[Anonymous]

Hello April,

I search for advise and direction on your website and i was struggling to understand my situation with my boy friend. I hope you can help me.

Boy of a year and 6 months, we started off on a romantic dating spree then it turned sour when he decided he will return to his ex, then i found out and it went bitter. we broke up in january. he never went back to his ex and things were finished between them. we however, bever stopped seeing each other after we broke up and we continued seeing each other but the issues was – he said to me when we left me, he does not love me and can’t see us together in the long term. he said since he never pictured us together, he feels the feeling of love is not there but he enjoye being with me and he likes me and he is very much attracted to me very much. so since i loved him deeply, i stayed with him… now its been 10 months we been together, we became very close, we cook, travel alot, spend so much time and we always are happy and being there for each other etc and we do things together. we also have our times with our friends etc but had time our relationship. anyway, he now tells me he’s moving to greece for work, and wants to discuss the situation with me and now sure how the long distance will work. so he is not ready for us to move in together ( struggles with commitment phobia ), and he wants to be close to home england, so he feels he wants to go and just not sure who things will work out for us. so he said lets stay as we are now and we will play it by ear when he leaves. i agreed of course because i culdn’t stand being away from him or us breaking up. he said he still feels hesitated about us and me, feels the feeling of butterflies, the love is not there and he is struggling to feel it for me.

please advise – am i being silly to still continue this with him or is he really going thru some post trauma from his past break up with his ex who he really loved but it didn’t work as it was long distance and he wasn’t not ready to commit plus his family did not approve. anyway, i am going to spain next week to meet his folks for holiday and they all know i am not moving to greece and they feel sad about it as we get along very well etc.

i love him april, i am just wish he will see us and appreciate all we had together as love and that is love and not the whole affectuation feelings that eventually dies off anyway. please help me to find ways to show my boy friend to love me and to have this feelings? i love him april and i don’t want to loose him. we are still together but i feel the pressure is on now and he is feeling the strain abit and being stressed out about it.

please help me. i am 31 and he is 33 and i know he wants to settle down and have family but just struggles with everything.

thank you
Nx

[Ask April Masini]

I can help you, but you’re not going to like what I have to say.

You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone love you enough. You can’t make a man propose to you. You can’t make a relationship work when one person in it doesn’t want a future together.

Your boyfriend is very clear with you. He doesn’t love you. He likes having sex with you and he likes not having to be alone, and since you’re always reading and willing, he’s been spending time with you. But he’s not going to marry you.

Don’t you want to be with someone who loves you?

I suggest you accept reality. Don’t go to visit his parents. Cancel that trip. It’s a waste of your time as a 31 year old single woman who wants a man she can call her own, and who loves her back with a passion that nothing will stop. Go find that guy! He’s out there. Don’t waste any more of your time in your 30s with men who aren’t available to you for what you clearly want.

Since your boyfriend is moving to Greece, make this the official break up. Give yourself the gift of self-respect and understand that if you’re the prize in a relationship, some wonderful guy is going to want you! What you’ve done instead, is you’ve thrown yourself at this guy over and over even when he tells you he doesn’t love you and can’t offer you a future. That’s not the way a healthy relationship works. A man shouldn’t “struggle” to[i] try[/i] and love you. It’s not supposed to be that hard. If you continue with this guy, a life of misery will be yours. 😥

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page. It’s $15.95 and you can download it immediately. Read it — start this weekend. And re-read it after he goes to Greece.

You’ve got a great future out there if you let this guy go. He’s not yours to have anyway. He’s made it clear to you. Listen to him, now.

I wish you luck in the hard work you have ahead of you, but I know that if you do it, you’re going to ultimately have a wonderful life with someone who appreciates and wants you. 🙂

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