[Tommy32]

Hello,

I am a 37 year old Man, I have been dating a 27 year old Female for almost the last 2 years. We have been friends since 2006. We live 2+ hours away and only spend the weekends together. She has 2 young kids from a previous Marriage. I love her and the Children very much. We had a wonderful relationship until her Mother moved in with her. I was warned by my Fiance and her Sister that no matter what I do, her Mother will not get along with me. She has interfered in all of their relationships and never liked any of her Childrens significant others until after the relationship was over. Her Mother is very Vain and very Jealous of the time that we spend together. It finally came to a head this past week and I stood up to it. Here is what happened. Her Mother insists on spending time with her Daughter often and she always comes along with us when we go out, even on vacation (Sleeping in the same room as us). Well, last weekend was my Birthday. My Fiance and I were supposed to spend the day together. What was supposed to happen was: We were supposed to get up early and go to a Zip Line Course, then a dry luge. Come home, take the kids to a movie and then go out on the town, get sushi and then to a hotel. Her Mother wanted her to come home on Sunday and spend the day with her to offset the time spent with me. So, here is what happened: Her Mother wanted my Fiance to take her to the Grocery store. She took her time getting ready and we didn’t leave the house until 3pm to start my birthday. We went to the zip line course, but missed the dry luge, movie and night on the town. We got to dinne at 10pm. When we came home to get overnight clothes,her mom was out driving and got lost. She wasn’t answering the phone and we went out to look for her. This took quite a bit of time. I didn’t even get a card or gift from any of them, including my Fiance. I was upset about this. When we got home on Sunday, her Mother rushed her out the door to spend their time together. Well, this weekend, I asked if she had any plans this weekend. She said no, So I made surprise plans for Mother’s day. Well on Thursday she said that they are having a Girls night out on Friday and she was takig her Mother and Saturday they were having a going away party for an employee and I was invited. I got upset and told her that I made plans. This Spawned an arguement and I lt her know how I felt about her Mother’s intrferance and he birthday thing. This went on for awhile and that I should be more of a priority to her. She told me that she feels like she s in th middle with her mother and I. She said that she is really stressed with work and has to still give time to her Mother, the kids and I as well as late nights at work. She said that sh didn’t hve enough energy to do it all right now. She said that she was sorry and felt that I was being controlling just like her Mother. She said that she needed a little time away from us. She said that she does want to work on us, but just needed some time. This upset me, because her Mother is still going to be there and she has been starting to tell my Fiance lies about me. Example….I treat the kids bad when she is not around. This is untrue. I know that she is not cheating on me. That s not even a concern. The otherissue is that because she has to dedicate so much time to me and the family, that she doesn’t have any time for herself. I don’t want to be a burden to her. I want her to be happy and healthy . It is not fair for her either what her Mother is doing. Especially, since they fight all the time too. I want to get our relationship back to healthy, but I don’t knwo how to do it with her Mother acting the way she does. I Love her and will do what is ncessary to make it work, but don’t want to be sold short. What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It would help to know WHY her mother moved in with her. Was it because the mother was lonely? Your fiance was lonely? Your fiance needed childcare and couldn’t afford it, so her mom is helping out? Does the children’s father have any custody of the kids at all?

Also, when during the two years you’ve been dating, did you get engaged? Do you have a wedding date? If not, why? And if so, is there a plan in place for where you all will live?

If you let me know the answers to those questions, I’ll give you my best response! 😀

[Anonymous]

We are in the Army, stationed in Germany. She is stationed about 2 hours from me. We take turns traveling every other weekend. Her Mother came to Germany to be her Daughter’s dependant, because she isn’t very good with her Money and is not Educated. The Mother was raised in Mexico and only has a 5th grade education. My Fiance is the Oldest and none of the other children can or will take care of her. My Fiance is Raising her youngest brother too. All the kids left early, because they didn’t like how the Mother treated them (abusive, and a long story in itself). Her Mother seems unhappy with life and brings everyone else down. Two of her Children don’t really talk to her. Her Mother watches the two kids, but my Fiance can afford child care and they had it prior to her Arrival. I really want to have a good relationship with the Mother, but everything that I try doesn’t work. For example, I bought her some walking shoes that she wanted for her birthday, she tried on several pairs and I bought the one that she wanted. Her legs started hurting while wearing them and she got mad at me. I’m really at a loss. I’ve never had problems getting along with anyone like this in my life. Oh, the Chidren’s Father is not really in the picture. He talks to them occasionally on the phone, but that is it.

[Tommy32]

We are in the Army stationed in Germany. She is stationed about 2 hours from me. Her Mother was raised in Mexico and only completed 5th grade. She has never had a good job and lives beyond her means. She had to file for bankruptcy and couldn’t take care of herself. My Fiance is the Oldest and the other children will not or can not help her. My Fiance also raised her youngest brother because her Mother couldn’t. The Father is not in the picture except for a phone call occasionally. Her Mother watches the kids now that she is there, but they were in daycare prior to her arrival. We got engaged in Prague last October, we plan on getting married this Summer. We won’t live together here in Germany. The Army is not obligated to move us together until the next assignement. We leave Germany in July 2012.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just a couple more questions! Are you saying that you will not live with your wife for at least another year AFTER you get married — and you’re not sure when you will live with her? If and when you do live together, will her mother live with you?

[Tommy32]

When we get married, I can petition My Boss to move one of us. This could happen, but the Army doesn’t have to. Most likely we wouldn’t live together until July 2012. I don’t know if her Mother will still be with her. To be honest with you. I could deal with her, but she makes everyone miserable. I know it is a strain to be in the middle. I suppose, I could just ignore her. My Fiance has been fighting with her also and has talked about sending her back. We will see. I try to play neutral in it. I’m afraid that if I say I would like for her to go back and something happened, then I would get some blame. Can I fix this? I don’t want my Fiance to be going through this either.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Okay! Whew — thank you for bearing with me with the questions. 🙂

First of all, you [i]absolutely[/i] must have a conversation about where her mother will live if and when you marry her and come home to live with her — even if it’s in 2012. This is crucial that you have an understanding and a plan in place. Obviously, the mother should NOT be living with the two of you. If you can’t talk to our fiance about this, you’re not ready to be married to her. So do that this week.

In addition, the mother needs to leave the home on the weekends you visit your fiance because she can’t be polite to you. End of story. If your fiance can’t lay down the law in her own home, then she’s not going to be able to handle a marriage with children and extended family. Trust me on this one. She needs some tools and she needs to use them. Boundaries are an excellent tool for good relationships.

Second of all, playing it “neutral” is the wrong tact. If your fiance is very clear that her mother is making everyone miserable, and has a history of being abusive, then her mother needs to go. If your fiance continues to put her mother ahead of you — run! This is not a woman who is ready to get married or commit to any man. The husband and wife have to come first and foremost. The mother/mother-in-law takes a backseat to the marriage. If you and your fiance can’t accept this, your impending marriage is doomed.

Third, consider that what your fiance is doing to the children is unfair. If her mother is such a downer and a depressive, why have her around the children for extended periods of time? The minor children should come before their grandmother — especially when the grandmother isn’t so much sick as she is unpleasant and passive aggressive.

Which leads me to tell you that your fiance needs to find a way to take care of herself, and while this is very difficult for any working single mother, the reality is that since she can afford child care, she should get rid of her mother and buy herself some “me” time so she can exercise, relax, do things for herself and basically rejuvenate because her job and her children deplete her.

“Enabling” is the word that comes to mind when you describe your fiance and her inability to put herself, you or her children first. If your fiance doesn’t stop taking on the burden that everyone else is smart enough to pass on, then your future mother in law has no chance of modifying her behavior. It’s only when she hits a wall and realizes that if she wants to be cared for she has to be kind, that she will change.

Which is why you have to have YOUR boundaries with your fiance and gently suggest that she make these changes, but if she doesn’t, you’d be wise to move on. Any woman who can’t take care of herself, can’t be in a marriage with any success.

Go easy on her when you talk to her — but don’t relent. She needs to make some changes in her life — and if she doesn’t, you do.

I hope that helps. 😀

[Member]

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