[alleb0206]

About 2 months ago Me and my boyfriend moved into a new house, we have recently added a new addition to our family, our son is 5 months old!! Everything between us seemed completely fine, and then he got a second job, so now it seems like he is never home!! Then he was acting a little distant, but nothing to serious.Then one night he was supposed to get off at 11pm, and after 11 I did not hear from him until he walked in the door at 2:30am!!! I was furious, but he told me he was hanging with the guys and re-assured me I had nothing to worry about… So then, me…being my snoopy self, I looked through his phone while he was asleep, As you probably already know, I found him texting another girl..more or less sexting her!!! I was completely overwhelmed with hurt, I was going to walk out the door and forget about it. Instead I threw the phone at him and he grabbed me and hugged me and tried to calm me down, he said that he is stupid and that there is really no excuse for what he has done. He told me he got bored but not bored with me..he told me nothing happened between them, they were just texting each other.He said it was nothing serious and that he will stop talking to her. He said nobody is going to break up our family.. (so now I can only guess where he was when he came home late from work!!) Anyways, after that we really didnt talk about it much, I was having a hard time trusting him and I kept checking up on him all of the time, and then things were finally starting to go back to normal…until last night…when I went to make a call on his phone is showed that he had called her right when he got off of work..and once again I was very upset. I didnt go into a rage or anything I just stopped talking to him…until he asked me what was wrong…and then it was a full blown fight..only thing is he didnt hug me and love me like last time, instead he got pissed off at me and said that I dont trust him, and that I am always snooping through his stuff, and that you can’t have a relationship without trust!!! But what did I do wrong?? Am I wrong for seeing that?? I dont want to snoop but everytime I do I find something..how can you trust someone if they have already ruined their trust??? Please help me, how can I ever trust him again?? How do I know that he is done talking to her this time??? I am soo afraid to lose him that I cant even imagine threatening to leave him or actually leaving him?? I love him so very much and I want things to be better between us!!! Please help me save my relationship!! Any ADVICE????

[kitkat620]

reading your story gave me a lump in my throat. i had been with a cheating husband for 20 plus years and i could feel the pain you are going through. the only way you will be able to trust your bf again is by him gaining your trust back, which he is not doing by continuing to have contact with the other girl. how did he meet this girl? do they work together? if so, i would insist he find another job. if he is truly serious about not wanting anything else to do with her and concentrating on making your relationship work.
one thing i learned throughout the years is to trust my gut feelings. if you feel something isn’t right, it usually isn’t. the only reason you are snooping is because he is not being honest with you and you know it. don’t let him try and convince you that you are doing something wrong. he is the one that is wrong, not you. if you felt secure in your relationship with him you wouldn’t snoop. he is getting defensive because of the guilt he feels.
unfortunately you cannot make him become the man you want him to be if he is not that man. he will only stop contacting this other girl if he wants to. and from what i read, i’m sorry to say, it doesn’t seem like he wants to.
being cheated on, by the one you love, has got to be the hardest thing a person can go through in a relationship. it took me years to realize that my husband will never change. when i finally accepted that, it gave me the strength and courage to leave and live my life for me. i am better and happier without him in my life.
you need to concentrate on making yourself stronger. for both your well being and your son’s. your son needs you now more than ever. don’t let a man that isn’t ready to face up to his responsibilities and settle down, ruin your self worth and prevent you from doing what’s right for you and your son.

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both and how long have you been together?

[alleb0206]

September will be 4 years for us, we have always had a wonderful relationship. We have always communicated with each other about things openly..it wasnt until after he started working so much that things went down this path…his part time job is at a mini mart and that is where he got this number from…plus she always goes in there and there is absolutely nothing him or I can do about it. I have tried to get him to quit this part time job but he says that we need the extra money right now. We are about 9 years apart. I am 22 and he is 30…so you would think he would be ready to settle down wouldnt you? Yes there is quite a gap in our age…but we just click, we are right for each other, and my family loves him as well as his family loves me. I mean he tells me all of the time that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and marry me. He has lead to me believe that I am his soulmate!! It does hurt, very badly, and when he thinks the subject is done and over with I have still not talked about it enough to get my head level. I just need to talk about it, I want him to be sorry and feel bad for what he has done, but I dont bring it up because I am scared it will cause a fight?? And by the way we not only have just our 5 month old son I also have a 5 year old daughter that is not his biologically, but she calls him “daddy” and he has taken care of her for the past 4 years, how would I ever explain another daddy walking out on her??…I want to fix things, and I want him to want to fix things also…I dont know what I would do without him?? I am just in a tough situation, and I am praying to God that this is the man that I will spend the rest of my life with…any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for the extra information — it helped.

I don’t think it’s just the extra job that is causing him to feel pressured. I think having a five month old is a big deal for him. Even though he’s 30, some 30 year olds react differently than others to pressure. He’s obviously feeling economic pressure — many times men react to becoming fathers by going out and bringing home the bacon. They feel a need to provide, and his desire to do that is a responsible one.

Many times I get posts from new mothers who have husbands who they find straying like yours did, shortly after a new baby is born. You’re not alone in this problem. My suggestion to you is not to try and extract an apology out of him or to try and make him feel a certain sorrow or remorse. Instead, my suggestion is that you recreate the spark in your long term relationship that was there when you met and has been there all these years you’ve had good times together.

Being a new mother — and in your case a mother of two children — is a lot of work. I imagine you’re not sleeping, you’re really busy, and your children are coming first. Try and look at things from his point of view. He’s feeling like he’s lost his girlfriend and he’s gained a mother in her place. See if you can bring back your sexy — I know this is a tall order with your five year old underfoot and your five month old possibly at your breast, but you need to prioritize your relationship with your man and you need to give him higher priority.

See if you can get the grandparents to babysit so you can have a date night — weekly! Try and get rid of that baby weight, and I know it’s hard with a new baby, but try and put on some mascara and lipstick and look cute for him. For many new mothers sex is just not on their mind — but I can assure you it’s on his. Make sure you’re having sex. That’s going to help things between you a lot.

Basically, I’m asking that you not forget, but forgive him for now while you do your part to get this relationship back on track. If you do, my guess is that he’ll come to you and apologize for hurting you and tell you how he values your family — without you’re having to beat it out of him. 😳

I hope that helps. 😀

[alleb0206]

Thank you so much for the advice!! I was so scared that the advice I would recieve would be telling me to leave him, that is not something I really want to do. I am willing to work and make our relationship new again, I am willing to do anything to get “us” back. But I am not willing to sit around and be cheated on either. What you have told me does make alot of sense, because having a baby does change a relationship, wether you want it to or not. And I am going to work on my side of it first…I have tried to be more alluring and sexy for him..just seems like we are always at work, and when I am home he isnt home, and when he is home I am not home. We need to set aside some time for just “us.”I agree totally with you advice on that too!! The only thing about trying to be sexy for him is I have let myself go a little, I mean I dont do near as much as I used to with myself..like when we met…but that reason is he is somewhat of a jealous type..if I do start doing what I used to do he makes little comments like “well who are you getting all sexy for if we arent going to see each other all day?” so that makes me back off a little on trying to get all “dolled up”. but he has also told me that he loves the little extra weight I have put on..which I was very skinny when I got pregnant, and he always said that he would like to me to put on a little more weight…I went from 120lbs, to now 140 and he says he loves it!! He says I could even put on 10 more lbs and he wouldnt mind… He also tells me he loves seeing me in “mommy mode” so thats makes me feel better about the situation…So I am going to try and forget what happened so we can try to move past this. One question…What if it doesnt work? What if he continues talking to her?? And is ther anyway to bring up the conversation about what has happened without it causing a fight?? I can work on us, and I can work on me, but eventually I am going to NEED to talk about this…I just want his re-assurance that he wants ME and only ME! I’m sorry for the long posts I am just in a jam here and I need to save this relationship before it’s un-saveable!!
Thank you so much for your advice I do appreciate it!!

[Ask April Masini]

The FIRST thing you have to do is get your relationship back on track. You’re already invested four years and two children in this guy, so give it your best shot. Don’t bring up the other woman now. Wait until things are better between the two of you — and ideally, wait for him to bring it up because he is so re-enamored with you, he feels terrible about having hurt you.

IF he continues contacting her, then you have a different problem. But right now, you don’t have that problem as far as you know, so don’t jump the gun because it’s going to ruin things.

I know you’re afraid to lose him, but your behavior will push him away if you’re not careful. Treat this situation as you know it to be now. If you need to talk about your feelings regarding the other woman, do it with a best friend. Your husband doesn’t have to be EVERYTHING to you. There are certain feelings and conversations that are best shared with sisters, brothers, friends, parents, bosses — but not husbands. It’s not a betrayal — it’s common sense. He’s already under enough pressure — don’t make him be your shrink, too! 😉

And lastly, relax. You’re anxious and that anxiety will work against you. Take it easy. One day at a time, and move in the right direction. 😀

[alleb0206]

So last night when I got home from work, we ate dinner, sat there in silence for a few minutes, and then all of the sudden BOOM, he brought up the subject, first he was just talking about our argument and apologized for reacting the way he did to the situation. He said he never wanted it to get to that level ( a big huge fight) because it wasnt even serious like that. After talking about our argument it kind of just eased into the conversation about the whole situation and not just our argument. 😮

He apologized numerous times for even trying to talk to another woman, and he said he has no idea why he would ever jepordize losing me. He kept telling me that I was his baby, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He kept calling himself stupid and dumb, and in a way I kind of just sat there and let him pour his heart and soul out to me. It felt soooo good to me to hear him say these things…he said so many more things but if i were to put them all on here you would be reading for probably 2 or 3 hours lol…

So to make a very long story short we did finally talk about EVERYTHING, in depth, which is what I felt we needed to do. I was just concerned about how to bring up the subject?? Truth be told, today I feel 110% better than I have this whole month. I felt like we were slowly falling apart and I am starting to think that the “spark” is back in our relationship. We are back to communicating with each other, which we have always been good at, but lately its been not like that. One thing he told me last night,was that when he feels like I am distant or when I feel like he is distant, or if something is bothering either one of us, we need to talk to each other about it like we used to, idk this story probably just bounces from this to that….but thank you for you advice, I layed off of him about it thinking it would take forever for him to come to me, and it only took 2 days!! I am glad I got my baby back!!! 😉

I know things aren’t totally and completely “fixed” because there are a few things we both want to work on as a couple and independently. But I finally feel like I can take a sigh of relief about him walking out on me or leaving me, because he re-assured me many times last night that he could never and would never leave me…he says I am too good to him 😀

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome! I’m glad I was able to help. 😀

[alleb0206]

So I have preivously posted on here about my man talkin to another girl and having 2 jobs and blah blah blah, this may not exactly be for relationship advice, but it is about my relationship!!

So basically we have pretty much talked and came to terms with everything and we are doing wonderful, He ended up quitting his job at the convienence store because he made more money at the other job. But the thing is, when he quit that job he also quit the other job he was making more money at. So then he was was left without a job period. And it wasn’t so bad at first but now we are going on like 3 or 4 months with him not having a job and it is really starting to bother me. The thing is, first off he is a felon and it has been 6 years already so it is already hard for him to get a job around here in this small little town, and second off we are planning on moving to Colorado in February, which we have been talking about for a long time. So I think he may be trying to put it off until then because he hates this small town!! It seems like a touchy subject with him, everytime I bring up the whole job thing he gets like, not mad, but almost like irritated with me and is always saying he will, or sometimes he will say that he has no initiative to get a job in this small a** town. And basically that is the end of the conversation. Period.

But it is really starting to get to me, I mean my check only pays for so much and I am left with the responsibility of paying rent, gas and electric bills, my car payment (which they are threatening to re-posses),daycare bills… I mean EVERYTHING! We have 2 small children, one in diapers and I honestly cannot afford to do it all and pay for everything! I am surprised I have made it this far with only my income. I am getting to the point to where I am completely stressed out about everything. I am worried about everything and it is constantly making me be in a bad mood.And he never wants to talk about it, money issues, I dont know how to express this to him without making him feel uncomfortable or without making him irritated!! But he needs to get a job. He has been offered two if he would just take the applications in!!!! Which is what he was supposed to do today!! But when I got home for lunch him and our rooomate ( we rented out our basement to him) are sitting there watching tv and already drinking!!!! All I said was ” drinking already? Aren’t you going to take that application in today?” and he replies “Jeeze babe, get off my ass about it already, you tell me every 5 seconds.” And there you go, that is how he replies everytime!!!

I just want to be able to go out and buy my children what they need and be able to put gas in my car to get to and from work everyday. I want to be able to go layway things for Christmas and I want to catch up on all of the bills we are behind on!!! How do I make him understand that without pissing him off?? I just can’t do it all, working all of the time, cleaning the house, taking care of the kids, and being stressed about money is becoming way to much for me to handle!! I just want him to understand that I cannot DO IT ALL!!!

[Ask April Masini]

You have a bigger problem than you first indicated. The picture becomes clearer with the details you add. Let me try to put it in a nutshell. You are 22 and he is 30 and you have a 5 year old daughter with another man and a 5 month old child with this boyfriend — so you had your first child at age 18. In the four years you’ve been together, you only moved in with your boyfriend after you had this last baby, several months ago, and since you’ve moved in together, he’s been cheating on you with another woman, then he quit his jobs and hasn’t gotten a new one, and he wants you to move with your children and him to another state where he doesn’t have a job. And, now, we find out he’s a convicted felon (what was his crime?).

You’ve made some bad decisions, and you’re looking to him to fix them. It’s time for you to clean up your act now. I’m going to give you some tough advice, but I think it’s the only way you have a shot at a peaceful future.

Your boyfriend and father of your latest child is not Mr. Right, and you’re too young to follow some guy around the country when he won’t support his children or you, marry you, or get a job, and he’s a convicted felon who drinks in the middle of the day when he should be working or looking for work. In other words, he’s a loser, and you need to divest yourself of him.

I know you didn’t want to hear this, but in your last post you gave me so many reasons to suggest you leave him, it’s easy for me to do now. So, move out — either in with family or a female roommate, or your own place — and get a court order for child support from both of your kids’ fathers. Once you have child support in place, get a custody schedule so your children have structured time with their fathers that is court ordered. This is good for the kids (they can build relationships with their dads) and it’s good for you to catch a break. Then, get child care. You’ll need it. You’re going to have to build a new life as a single mom. It won’t be easy, but the life you have in front of you with your boyfriend, will be a lot harder in the long run.

I hope this helps, and that you’ll keep in touch. If you need help, please ask.

And I hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Ethan Morales]

Finding sexts on his phone is devastating. You’re justified in feeling hurt, betrayed, and confused. Snooping isn’t ideal, but when trust is broken, the urge to check is human. It’s your brain trying to protect you from further hurt.

That said, his pattern is the real problem. He’s an adult with responsibilities, and repeatedly texting another woman especially after promises to stop shows a lack of respect for your relationship. This isn’t a one-off slip; it’s a recurring behavior. Trust isn’t about you snooping; it’s about him proving he’s worthy of it.

April’s advice about perspective has some merit becoming a parent changes dynamics, and men can feel pressure to overcompensate or seek escape. But that doesn’t excuse repeated emotional/sexual attention toward another woman. Understanding his pressures doesn’t mean tolerating betrayal.

Forgiveness isn’t the same as ignoring red flags. You can forgive mistakes while still enforcing boundaries. For example, he should agree to no contact with other women in ways that matter to the relationship no sexting, no emotional flirts. Without concrete action from him, trust cannot be rebuilt.

Rebuilding attraction and connection is important, sure. Date nights, intimacy, prioritizing each other those are long-term relationship tools. But you can’t rely on “looking cute” or “being sexy” to fix a pattern of disrespect. That’s on him to earn, not you to bribe.

You have two choices accept repeated boundary violations and stay in a cycle of mistrust, or insist on accountability and concrete changes before moving forward. Your love for him doesn’t obligate you to tolerate disrespect. Real trust only comes when his actions match his words, consistently.

[Tara]

He didn’t “make a mistake.” He made a choice repeatedly and the only reason he’s still in your life is because you keep rewarding him for it. You’re not fighting for a relationship; you’re clinging to a carcass he’s already picked clean.

He cheated, lied, covered it up, blamed you, and then kept doing it because he knows you’ll swallow any excuse he throws at you. That’s not love. That’s exploitation dressed up as devotion.

Stop pretending this is complicated. He didn’t accidentally fall into someone else’s messages. He invested time, attention, and interest in another woman while you sat at home carrying his child and holding the entire relationship together by yourself. And when you caught him, he didn’t apologize he performed remorse. He fed you a scripted line he didn’t even bother selling, then went right back to her because he knows you won’t do a damn thing about it.

Now he’s trying to flip the narrative, accusing you of “not trusting him,” as if trust is something he deserves simply because you’re too scared to walk away. He’s not confused. He’s not hurting. He’s not “trying.” He’s managing you keeping you guilty, uncertain, and chasing his approval so he can operate without consequences.
You can’t rebuild trust with someone who treats honesty like an inconvenience.

You’re asking how to believe a man who has already demonstrated that lying is his default setting. You’re asking how to stop checking when checking is the only reason you know the truth. You’re not paranoid. He’s predictable.

And let’s be brutally clear: you haven’t “lost him.” He left the moment he chose someone else and decided your pain was an acceptable price for his entertainment. You’re hanging onto a fantasy because admitting the truth would force you to take action you’re scared to take.

If you stay, he will cheat again. Not maybe. Not possibly. He will. Because you’ve shown him your tolerance is endless and your boundaries are negotiable. He knows your fear outweighs your standards, and he’s using that to get exactly what he wants: loyalty from you, freedom for himself.

You want advice? Stop acting like a woman begging for scraps and start acting like a mother whose child needs her to stop normalizing disrespect. Tell him you see the pattern. Tell him the relationship is on life support and he’s the one holding the knife. Tell him the only path forward is therapy, complete transparency, and a level of accountability he can’t dodge. And if he refuses, you walk not threaten, not cry, not negotiate. Walk.

Right now, you’re not losing him. You’re losing yourself. And he’s counting on you not noticing the difference.

[Author]

Posts