[RoseKitty]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 11 years. We have been very happy together and have been discussing plans to get married as soon as he finds a job and saves enough money. He has been unemployed for 3 years. I’ve been patient but worried as this is taking so long.

Why am I finding myself increasingly attracted to a cute 20 something year old guy on the bus I take to work each morning? Would a therapist say that it is because there is something missing in my current relationship which the only thing I can think of is that my boyfriend doesn’t have a job and I’m scared that 3 years will turn into 5 years or more and I don’t know how long I have to be the sole breadwinner. Plus without money it’s harder for us to do things that could help nuture our relationship like go on dates and stuff.

Or is it because human beings by nature are not naturally a monogamous species and it’s our responsibility to deal with these feelings appropriately??? Or is it because once we get passed the age of 35, twenty something year old men are like candy we just can’t have anymore unless we’re single, then we can do a Liz Taylor and date someone 10 to 20 years younger. This guy on the bus is about 10 years younger than me. But I’m not single and my boyfriend and I have shared something very special over the last decade. If any couple has the potential for a life-long love it’s us. So how do I deal with these feelings?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are both in your mid to late 30s and he hasn’t worked in three years. 😕 I think you’ve been patient enough. It’s time for you to move on and find someone who can give you what you’re looking for which is a marriage and family. Your boyfriend isn’t ready. You’re fantasizing about other men because you’re looking for a way out. You’re looking for escape valves for your feelings. Let go of the fantasies and face your real life, warts and all. It’s time for you to make a tough move. Breaking up with someone after a decade is difficult, but keep your eye on the ball. He isn’t what you need or want, and if you stay with him, you’re going to be wasting your time.

I’m sorry this is tough, but I think you can do it. If you couldn’t, you would never have written here! 🙂

Please let me know how things go and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[RoseKitty]

I should have given more information. He is actively seeking employment but is having a very difficult time finding someone who will hire him since he got laid off his last job 3 years ago. He very much wants to marry me but we agreed not to do it until he has steady employment. I don’t want children. It is only recently that I started developing a crush on someone else. We have been very happy together for the past decade.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to distract yourself from the problem at hand by “going wide” and talking about abstract and theoretical situations like mans’ ability to be monogamous, or Elizabeth Taylor (a very specific example of a child star reared in Hollywood, which I take it you are not). Stay local! 😆 Focus on yourself and your own problem. Eleven years is a very long time to date someone without a ring and a date. You say that you’ve been patient, but you’re worried. Sorry, but that’s an understatement, and your behavior is belying your words. Looking at someone younger — someone who is the same age your boyfriend was when you met him — and feeling romantic and sexual feelings towards that person is a flashing yellow light that there’s a bigger problem underfoot. I know your boyfriend is trying to get work, but three years of “trying” is too long. A man’s identity is wrapped up in his career and if he’s been unemployed for three years, he has a big problem and it’s affecting your relationship.

Be brutally honest with yourself. Is he doing everything he can to get work including getting a job in a different market sector, getting two or three part time jobs, being willing and ready to re-locate for work, switch fields to find a job, etc.? If you’re waiting for him to get a job to get married, after 11 years, and you’re in your mid to late 30s, and he hasn’t gotten a job in three years, it’s entirely possible he’s subconsciously not as interested in being married as you are — if at all, but doesn’t have the guts or the awareness of the problem, to face you (or himself) on this one. 😕

You have to be willing to look at some truths you may not want to in this situation. The 20 year old you’re interested in is just a symptom. Look at the problem.

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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