[t3eyes]

I have 4 children to my first marriage. My eldest 2 sons (28 & 30) and daughter (16) don’t want to know me anymore and I have received extreme insults from my 2nd Son. My 3rd Son aged 19 is in the middle and doesn’t think the same has his brothers, so he stays and doesn’t want to compromise them or me. I feel so hurt and much rage! Story: Me and the 4 children’s mother broke after 20 years in 2003 after their mother starting messing around and got caught whilst I was away working. She ran off with the 3rd or 4th guy to marry him in Tigana without telling the kids and denied it when confronted. She brought this man into my family home when I was away. Although messed up I started another relationship in 2003 and got married end of 2004. Then ended up in another relationship (probably because I was so messed up. Had 2 more children in each relationship. My ex partner of 20 years moved out of the family home with her new husband in 2006 and my younger 2 children from that relationship went with her. I kept the house and a roof over my 2 eldest sons heads until 2014 when they were grow up. They now live in their own homes. In 2010 my eldest son moved out of the house and stayed with his mother and friends etc but that did not work out. He then stayed at my 2nd sons house for a few days but that not work out (suspect my 2nd Sons partner didn’t want him there). Whilst I was abroad living my 2nd Son gave the house key to my eldest son without running it by me first so when I came home and discovered he was there with the place in a bit of a mess I was not happy. I was upset with my 2nd son for not consulting me first and I requested an apology which was not forthcoming.
There have been other issues relating to disrespectful behavour by my 2nd son eg. He took my fathers photo from the kitchen notice board of my house without my permission. etc
When I moved back to the UK house in 2012 with my new family (one of them, now of 10 years and I am married) the other estranged (but I still stay in contact with the kids). So in total I have 8 kids. I was staying there with them and my eldest. The problems with my family of 20 years caused many fights in my current marriage because we struggled for money for many years because I kept the uk home over my 2 eldest sons heads and paid the mortgage an bills which left us short.
Anyway, things appeared ok with my eldest between 2012-2014 when he lived with us, I supported him and helped him when he moved out to his own place.
But since he moved out (I don’t know where he lives) he has just ignored me and when I fell ill didn’t even ask if I was ok. Only my Son of 19 asked if I was OK. I am still in contact with him and we are ok. He tells his dad he loves me and I try support him best I can.
My daughter sent me an sms at midnight one night saying she hated me for what I did to her mother. It hurt me and I told her to FO.
I have tried to communicate with my children via email but all I get is attitude and abusive insults of the worst kind from my 2nd Son. I have done nothing to them to justify such extreme abuse like pond scum, scumbag, lonely old twisted freak (all this from my 2nd son). Now my 2nd son is expecting a baby and he has said that I will never know my grandchild and his children will never know me. I never harmed them when they were kids, never hit them, supported them when they needed and worked hard to get them into a good position to progress through A levels etc but my eldest 2 fluncked out after 1 year of A levels. Stuck my neck out for them when needed as loving fathers do!
Their grandmother has confirmed their mothers messing around confession to them so the truth is out regardless of whatever their mother has said to them. And I fear she has poisoned them in some way.
On top of all this I nearly died in 2002 due to DVT and have had to go through medical litigation in 2003-2005 which failed 2 days before trial. I ended up with 250k pounds debt. And it took me 10 years to clear it.
After me and their mother split I maintained contact with them whilst living abroad and always asked how they were doing, showed interest and never forgot their birthdays or xmas. When I came back to the Uk in 2012 to stay I continued that theme until the sms message from my daughter. Prior to that she would come over to the house, sms me if she needed any money, I would ask her to come round for Sunday dinner etc. We had a Barbie and they all came before this sms. Then it all seem to get worse.
One recent incident involves my 2nd Son saying I was vile because I responded so strongly to his sisters untrue and hurtful sms so I told him he was dead to me. Then I receive an email from him in which he states that I said that to all 3 Sons which is totally untrue and I had to sent a copied of my original email and his to the other Sons so they could see it wasn’t true.
Note before their mums cheating we were a happy family that enjoyed holidays away together 4 times a year. I though I had brought them up decent as I was!!
I had a fall out with my mum but sorted now and my 2nd Son tried to suggest that I was only interested in my mum for self gain and suggested my mum was lying about his mothers confession and stated that I had brainwashed his nanan. His nanan has since corrected him on this but is shocked at his abuse of his father. She says this is a side to him she didnt know was there. And previously she always spoke well of him. Now she does not want to speak to her grandson and tells me to forget him. I forgot to mention that he recently told me to FO and DIE!!

Now I have lost 3 of the 4.
I am so sad, so angry, so frustrated and depressed. With all sorts of crazy things going around in my head.
What on earth can I do? It seems like nothing!

[AskApril Masini]

You are talking to me about solving decades of family problems between three generations — including your 8 children with 3 women and your mother. You also have some financial and medical problems. The first thing to understand is that this is a systemic problem here — in other words, you have to take steps to clean up the systems you’re using to have relationships with people, both in your family and outside of it. That means learning to keep your side of the street clean by being kind and understanding to everyone. I understand that there has been nasty language and sentiments hurled at you — but you can’t hurl it back. You can’t tell your children to “F-off” and you can’t tell them that they are dead to you — if you want to have a good relationship with them. 😉 If your temper gets the better of you, give yourself a time out. But don’t alienate the kids. I know that’s easier said than done, but if you continue on the road you’re on, you’re just going to add fuel to the fire. Be very careful with what you say to [i]everyone[/i] in your life. Your words are powerful and they don’t just hurt others, they hurt [i]you[/i] most of all. 😮 Only be kind, thoughtful and neutral at worst. Develop empathy and use it! Lastly, have some financial boundaries — just support the children who are minors, not those who are not. That’s not a punitive measure as much as a strong, loving parent measure. Parents who wants their kids to be independent and self supporting have to act like it! 😉 And you won’t be resentful for supporting adult children who aren’t kids any more.

I hope that is a helpful start for you…..

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[t3eyes]

Thankyou
I have disowned my 2nd son for his unforgivable abuse of me and insults to my recently diseased brother.
To my other 3 grown up children I sent a kind and friendly email and wished them all good luck and happiness in their lives.
I am hopeful that my 3rd son still wants to continue a relationship with his father even if the others wish not too.
Right now I am dealing with the loss of my baby brother which came after my initial post.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry about your brother’s passing. You have a lot going on in your life. And, sometimes the loss of a loved one can help put things in perspective. 🙂 For instance, rather than disowning your second son, you might be able to take some time to try and understand why he’s been so awful to you. I’m sure he wasn’t intentionally raised to be awful, so there must be things going on his life that have nothing to do with you that can cause his bad behavior. In other words, rather than cutting your son out of your life, perhaps you can try some empathy and understanding for what’s made him to the things he’s done. Your own life has been very dramatic with lots of kids, lots of women, lots of changes — and these changes can affect your children — and even cause hurt feelings an bad behavior. Many times children — even adult children — lash out at the one they feel is most stable. And when they are poorly behaved, it’s not primarily because they want to hurt you, but because they are hurting themselves and they want your attention. Cutting them off doesn’t make them feel better. That’s where a parent’s empathy and love can go a long way. So, rather than cut him off, this could be an opportunity to build a bridge — and change your own behavior. 🙂 You may even lose some of your rage in the process. 😀

I know it doesn’t feel very nice to be treated poorly, but I haven’t heard anything that he’s done that has been unforgivable. 😉 I hear that you say you are full of rage — and that’s clear. But it’s very important for you and your children, that you get to the bottom of your own rage so you can change that way of living — instead of passing it on. 🙂 You have to be ready to make some changes, take responsibility for your own mistakes and the effects they’ve had on your family. That’s how healing begins.

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