[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a 10 yr 4 mth relationship and I am considering ending it. I have been unhappy for sometime now and I think I’m just tired. My partner has drinking issues and sometimes loses all sense of self and chooses to stay out all night drinking or sneak off with his friends to drink. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like he hasn’t changed yet and probably never will. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We have 2 kids together and when he’s not heavily intoxicated he’s fine. I’m not a drinker so it really bothers me. We’ve broke up several times because of the drinking and irresponsible actions but I always take him back. There has been some physical abuse in the past but only when he was drinking and no more than maybe 3 occasions. We’ve had infidelity issues in the past on his part but I forgave him. When we first got together I wasn’t honest about my past relationships/sexual partners and he found this as a problem. He says this is the reason for his infidelity. I don’t agree with this reason because I feel that my past is my past and does not affect him. He says that he didn’t want to be with a woman that has slept with people that he knows. I am 34 yrs of age and he is 29. We are from the same small town so quite naturally there would be someone that I’ve been with that he knows. I only told him about my 2 older children’s fathers when we got together. The infidelity was 2-3 yrs after we had been together. After our last incident which occurred a couple of days before New Years, he got drunk with friends couldn’t come home until the next day and I was pissed. I told him then that I can’t do this anymore and it was time for me to move on. In the meantime I began chatting with this guy which is also younger (25). He seems to be so genuine and seems to understand me to the fullest. He tells me that he wants me in his life and says that he will be there for me until I decide what I’m going to do about my current relationship. I’m falling hard for this guy and he just makes me feel so happy just by talking to him. He understands my situation and seems to be a good man. He too is in a unhappy relationship and is ready to get out. He seems very mature for his age. My problem is that I’m not sure if I should close all communication with the new guy, work things out with my partner or just end my relationship and start something new that may or may not work out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problems in your relationship are not just one person’s fault. You both have responsibility for where things went wrong. You seem pretty clear that his part in the relationship problems are his alcoholism, physical abuse and infidelity. Your part was being dishonest, and having an emotional infidelity with this new guy. 🙁

My advice is two fold. First of all, you need to clean up your side of the street whether or not you stay or go. Please understand that it’s not fair for you to decide that you’re not going to disclose former lovers to your common law husband and father of your children because you think it shouldn’t be important to him that you’ve slept with people he knows before the two of you were together. You should be respectful of him enough to understand his intention in asking you. He’s looking to get to know you and to establish intimacy and trust when he asks those questions. When you lie to him by omission, you begin to build your relationship on shaky ground. You played a part in his infidelity by lying to him about something that was important to him. 😳 If you want to be in any kind of successful relationship, you can’t lie. If you don’t respect your partner, then find one you do.

Second of all, you seem to be taking the easy way out of every situation. You’ve stayed with someone who is an alcoholic and who is physically abusive, for over a decade, and it sounds like you’ve exposed your children to this abuse. Now, instead of leaving, you’re waiting for someone to be with so you don’t have to be alone. This new guy is Mr. Right Now. My advice is that you don’t date him. You need to stay clear headed while you sort this out — especially for your two children’s sake.

Get out of the abusive relationship. Don’t justify the abuse by saying it was only three times. That’s three times too many. No woman should suffer abuse. No man should suffer abuse. No child should have to suffer abuse (and watching or knowing their mother is suffering abuse at the hands of their father is a special kind of abuse in itself). Get a safe and healthy life going for you and your kids and make sure the kids only see their dad if he is sober. If you have to get the courts involved in order to protect your children, then do so. Your children deserve a healthy, happy life (and so do you).

Then, and only after you have order in your life, can you begin to consider dating someone who is appropriate, compatible and respectful in addition to attractive, loving and bright.

I hope that helps. See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Zoefarrades]

No one should deal with abuse or infidelity, it doesnt sound like your’e getting anything out of your relationship except for pain, why stay in it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes people stay in abusive or dysfunctional relationships because they don’t understand what it’s like to be healthy or to be in a healthy relationship.

It’s important to be healthy yourself before you can be with someone else! 😉

[Member]

Posts