[Underwateradventurer]

My ex and I had been together for 1 yr and 8 months when out of the blue she breaks up with me. Her reason at first went against all we had discussed of our feelings. She has dealt with severe anxiety ever she had a fiancé die unexpectedly several yrs ago. And right after we began seeing each other, her most recent ex passed awya. She is very family oriented. Until recently when her grandfather was diagnosed with cancer, things were wonderful between us. We were discussing marriage often and our further. But when her granddad was diagnosed she become distant often. She is a school teacher and has told me that with the upcoming summer she plans to spend as much time as possible back home where she’s from. We are in a long distance and I told her months ago to spend al the time she wants with her family and I would be there no mater what. With school ending this week, last Weds she broke up with me claiming that she promised herself to never date someone she wasn’t head over heels for. Then she said she never loved me at all. Then said she wasn’t in love with me then claimed to have fallen out of love. She shiwed no emotion until I asked was she scared to get any closer to me for fear something will happen to me. She answered with a idk. But when she began to tell all this, she finally showed emotion and began to tear up. Finally saying she just wants to be alone and have space. She also claimed that for now I should keep my vacation at work scheduled for our cruise in July/August. What gives here? Is it over for good or do I have second chance in your opinion?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s clearly brought some baggage to the table and she’s dealing with it. In addition to which, it sounds like you may have been a rebound relationship after her fiancee died. She’s got a lot on her plate, emotionally, and to expect her to behave normally is unrealistic. That said, I don’t know that this is completely over because the erratic behavior pendulum swings both ways. She can break up with you suddenly and just as easily want you back, suddenly, because of her personality. My advice is to be very clear, yourself, on who she is and what you’re signing on for if you want to stay in the picture, and if you do, then you should try to maintain contact, but if this behavior that seems to be part of who she is, not just circumstantial (although she does have some traumatic circumstances) is more than you can handle, you should accept that and move on. People handle trauma differently — some let it roll of their backs, some take a while to process it and others hold on to it for different lengths of time. The long distance component of the relationship is tough — these types of relationships are more difficult, in general, than “in town” relationships. As for the cruise — don’t expect normal behavior from her. When you ask “what gives”, the answer is, this is who she is. Continue if you will, with your eyes wide open. And if you can’t handle this or don’t like it, then do yourself a favor and move on. I hope that helps.

[Sally]

What I’m hearing isn’t that she suddenly stopped caring. It sounds like grief and fear collided at the same time. She’s lost people she loved in traumatic ways, and now another loss in her family brought all of that back up. When that happens, some people shut down emotionally as a way to protect themselves. The back-and-forth explanations you got

never loved you, not in love, fell out of love don’t sound settled. They sound like someone trying to find words for something they don’t fully understand themselves.
The fact that she showed emotion only when you mentioned fear, and that she wants space but also told you to keep your vacation time, tells me she’s conflicted. Wanting to be alone doesn’t always mean wanting to be gone forever. Sometimes it means I can’t carry a relationship and my pain at the same time.

That said, you can’t fix this for her. And waiting in limbo will tear you apart. The healthiest move right now is to respect the space and focus on yourself, even though it hurts. If she comes back, it’ll be because she chose to, not because you held on tighter.
I know you want hope. Just don’t let hope stop you from healing.

[Tara]

She ENDED the relationship, then rewrote the past in real time to justify leaving without guilt. People don’t cycle through “I never loved you,” “I wasn’t in love,” and “I fell out of love” unless they’re trying to emotionally distance themselves fast and decisively. That wasn’t confusion, that was self-protection. Her trauma, anxiety, grief history, and family crisis didn’t suddenly make her incapable of loving you; they made her unwilling to stay emotionally vulnerable. And instead of owning that fear, she chose the cleanest exit: emotional detachment.

The tears didn’t mean hope. They meant relief mixed with guilt. She felt something when you named the fear because you were close to the truth. Intimacy terrifies her once loss becomes real. But fear doesn’t equal readiness, and it sure as hell doesn’t equal commitment. Wanting to “be alone,” asking for space, and still telling you to keep your vacation scheduled is her keeping a door cracked for comfort, not reconciliation. That’s not kindness, that’s hedging.

Here’s the part you don’t want to accept: someone who tells you they never loved you is not someone you wait around for, analyze, or offer second chances to. Trauma explains behavior; it does not excuse emotional destruction. She opted outof the moment things required courage. You didn’t lose her to anxiety or grief; you lost her to avoidance.

[Member]

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