[J2014]

Since this is my first time looking for advice outside of my family, I’ll try to be direct and not go off course.

I am a 41 y/o in desperate need of self reassurance. Recently My boyfriend of almost 2 yrs has grown distant and has temper issues. We started out hot and wild then slowly fizzled out. We haven’t been physically intimate outside of a occasional peck in over a yr. He is constantly on his phone txting and Facebook friending all these nearly naked girls everyday. One day he forgot to log off my computer and I found he was sending yahoo messages to some girl. The message history showed it had been going on for nearly our entire relationship. I have a bad case of self confidence and stayed with him despite my findings as this girl lives in another country over seas. There has been many many nights that I have cried myself to sleep over the possibility of loosing him. Even after all I have been through, I still love him. Out of fear that he is done with me and I will not find someone else to love me like I need, I choose to move across country with him leaving all my friends and family behind.I spent all my $ I had saved just to move and In less than a month I found a job and new friends. However even with the new job and friends I’m still feeling that our relationship is on it’s way to a end and there is nothing I can do or say to change that. I feel like a fool for trying so hard to hold on to someone who doesn’t want me.

[Ask April Masini]

The best thing you can do is to face the most serious problem here, which is what you describe as your “desperate need for self reassurance”. It sounds like you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s not really into you, and you stay because you’d rather be with someone who doesn’t like you than be alone. 😥 Ironically, to get the reassurance, you have to put yourself out there. Crying yourself to sleep is just going to fail to get you what you want. 😕

So, there are two ways to go about this — one is that you try to change your behavior and become a woman who gets the guy. 😎 In other words, compete for a man’s attention. You’ve got competition from other women, and you’ve lost him, so instead of doing nothing about it and just feeling sorry for yourself, why not try to win him back? 😉 You should buy and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], a book I wrote for women who want to get the guy! [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] And if things get better, you should also buy and read [b]Romantic Date Ideas[/b] to put the X back in your sex life. Here’s that link: [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

If you don’t want to do that work, then you can leave and work on yourself. I’d still recommend [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], [url]https://askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] in this case, as well.

Either way, you need to get out of your rut and take some course of action. If you don’t, eventually he’ll leave, and you’ll default to the second course.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

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[J2014]

I will be moving on and leaving him. I just recently found out he cheated on me 2x before we moved south together. He confided in his niece who we are staying with. I divorced my ex husband because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse. I have found my self in the same pattern and thanks to your advice I am forcing myself to be the better person. I wish I had seen my pattern sooner but sometimes it takes a outsider to open my eyes to reality. I will keep you updated in my progress once I find another place to live. I will not be moving back north to my home state as I recently started to build a life here with new friends and a new job.

[Ask April Masini]

Breaking patterns takes a lot of work and courage, so don’t beat yourself up for not doing it sooner — toast the new year and yourself for making changes in your life. 😀 My advice to you going forward is to slow things down long enough so you can check in with yourself before you make a move — whether it’s accepting a date, sleeping with someone, staying with them, moving in with them, etc., and each time you are about to make one of these moves, ask yourself why you’re doing it. If it’s because you’re fearful of being alone, don’t do it. If it’s because this is someone you’re genuinely interested in for his good qualities, then go right ahead!

You might also want to stick to the time frame I always advise: Take the first three months of dating someone to figure out if you even want to continue dating them. During that time, play the field and assume they are, too. If you want to continue dating them, use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous, and if you do, and he does, too, then continue on. If at the one year mark, it doesn’t look like this is leading to a commitment, and that’s what you ultimately want, move on. In other words, take good care of yourself. Be thoughtful and deliberate in your actions. That should help you to break old patterns that you fell into without thinking because they were familiar.

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[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for the comment.

[Natalie Noah]

It’s really clear how deeply you were caught in a cycle of seeking reassurance and trying to hold on to a relationship that wasn’t giving you the security or respect you deserved. You put so much of yourself into this your savings, your move across the country, your energy only to find that your trust had been violated repeatedly. That’s heartbreaking, and it’s completely understandable that you felt desperate to maintain the relationship, even in the face of his obvious patterns of disrespect and infidelity. You were trying to hold onto love, but it was one-sided and unhealthy.

What stands out most is how self-awareness started to creep in when you recognized the repeated patterns from your past marriage and your current relationship. It’s hard to see yourself making the same mistakes, but acknowledging them is the first big step toward breaking the cycle. Your realization that staying with him out of fear of being alone was hurting you more than helping you shows a growing emotional maturity. It’s often only when we’re willing to face the truth about what’s not working that we can take control of our lives again.

April’s advice is practical and empowering because it focuses on agency. Whether you choose to compete for his attention or to leave, the key takeaway is that action intentional, conscious action is what gives you the power back. You can’t change someone else’s behavior, but you can change how you respond, and that’s where healing and growth come from. Moving on from a relationship that erodes your self-worth isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for your emotional health.

I also notice the importance of boundaries in this story. You had to confront the reality that his actions messaging other women, disregarding your feelings were not acceptable, and that accepting them would continue the harm. Choosing to leave, as you did, is a brave and affirming step. It sends a message, most importantly to yourself, that you won’t tolerate mistreatment and that your emotional well-being is a priority.

Your decision to stay in your new city, with your new job and friends, shows resilience. Even though it’s scary to let go of the familiar even if it’s unhealthy you’ve started building a life that’s based on your choices and your worth. The challenge now is to continue nurturing yourself, cultivating confidence, and allowing yourself to attract relationships that are reciprocal, respectful, and loving. This is the beginning of reclaiming your life and your self-respect.

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