[Kitkat90]

I met him through a college club. We hung out regularly with a group of friends. I had feelings for him, and got mixed signals. He would talk about other girls and such. We joked with eachother a lot. At the same time, we would get touchy-feely; hugs, backing me into walls, holding hands, tickling, wrestling, lying together. He moved a few years later and we lost touch.

I reached out this past Feb (he moved back last year). I recovered from some personal issues, and wanted to re-connect. I planned to send a confession letter, but agreed to meet (about a month ago). We had dinner, caught up, laughed, joked around like old times. We didn’t even realize when our meals arrived late (he paid for both even though I tried to pay for mine). We walked back to his place and talked more. He encouraged me to talk and really listened.

We wrestled, pinning eachother and fighting for control. He said he could tie my wrists with a lanyard, and I was game, so he did. This lead to him pulling out actual rope (a kink I was aware he had and am cool with) and wrestling while he tied my wrists. By the time we stopped, I was really turned on. He made an off-hand comment about his clothes, and I suggested he take them off. This led to us taking off most of eachother’s stuff and talking about sexual preferences. He suggested we sleep and see in the morning. We shared his bed and stayed close all night, and at one point after he had gotten up, he pulled me closer and rubbed my back.

The next morning, we played around a bit. He told me he wouldn’t do anything until I told him what I wanted. I’m a virgin (he doesn’t know), and didn’t know what to say. We didn’t have much time since he had to meet a friend, so we just laid together for a bit; he rubbed my body very gently and didn’t pressure me.

We talked about meeting again after he came back from a few weeks of traveling. Since then, we texted a few times. The last text I sent was on 4/25 asking when I could see him next; no reply. He’s never been a fan of texting. I really want to see him again to figure things out. He’s so hard to read, so I’m still confused of his feelings for me and unsure of what to do next. What do you think?

[Ask April Masini]

I think he likes you and he’s attracted to you, but he’s not in any rush to get a relationship going. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to play it cool. Give him the time and space to miss you and to ask you out. You’re on different “clocks” and you’re pushing to move things forward, but you might make him feel pressured by doing so. And if he is interested you’ll get better results by playing it cool. So since you texted him on April 25, and he’s not a big texting person, don’t text again — unless he texts you first. Instead, give it a few weeks or a month, and if you want to reach out and invite him to do something, then you can do that (by calling him) and see how he responds. The only reason that may be a problem is that he may be someone who is happy and ready to go out and be with you sexually, when you invite him, but he isn’t as interested in being the one to get or keep the ball rolling himself. That’s going to be dissatisfying to you over the long run. I think you’re confused because you like him and he likes you — but you’re ready for more of a significant, regular relationship, and you haven’t gotten a clue from him that he’s on the same track. So play it cool, and understand that he may be a guy who likes you a lot — but isn’t ready for a relationship. I hope that helps! Let me know if you need anything else.

[Kitkat90]

Thank you for your advice! Things have progressed:

We met Sunday at his place. Joked around, took a nap. He pretended he didn’t want to get up, and said “Use your imagination”. We headed towards rope play, but he teased he would leave so I told him to stop, and he took that as a sign I wasn’t interested. After talking, it was clear we were DTF. Affectionate foreplay, lots of laughs. Intense but respectful; he took control and kept it at my comfort level. We finished about the same time, then just kind of held each other for a minute, and looked each other in the eye.

I kissed him (the lips was the only place he didn’t kiss me), we napped then talked and were fine with FWB. To me, we’d talked circumstance, but not emotions. At one point, he said he wouldn’t want me to wait for him because he wasn’t worth it (I didn’t mention waiting; why bring it up?).

He got frustrated because I wasn’t saying what I wanted to, but I couldn’t read him, so I didn’t think I could. He encouraged me to take risks and it again felt like he was talking about vague things that potentially cross the FWB line.

He winded down and ate, I was on the couch. I asked him a few times if he was going to read (he’d said I could stay as long as I wanted, but I wasn’t so sure anymore). He told me I didn’t need to ask and it’s a habit that wears people down if you ask too much (since he does that too). He said he didn’t want to make it seem like he was angry/yelling, but I felt like I messed up. I got up and got my stuff, said I was heading out, and he walked me to the door, we hugged, etc. He seemed very tired.

I texted him later because I felt like I fucked up when trying not to, and I really did want to meet/catch up again. I texted him this afternoon when my head was clear and asked specifically if he was open to going out around his b-day. Will leave him alone now.

Am I so stupid to think his feelings might not be entirely platonic, and he just isn’t willing to go there yet? He says he can’t read my mind, but it’s the same for me! He says things, but it’s like he’s holding back and his actions don’t feel in line with how he treats his female friends.

HELP!

[Ask April Masini]

He doesn’t want a traditional relationship and the two of you agreed to be friends with benefits, plus he’s brought up the fact that the doesn’t think you should wait for him because he’s not worth it. These are all signs that this is going to be a solid friends with benefits relationship, and that he’s not interested in more right now. If that’s what you want, then proceed. But I don’t think it’s what you want — I think you want a relationship that has a strong emotional connection in addition to the sexual experiences and I think you want some continuity and someone who’s going to be in contact more frequently and regularly. He’s not offering this — so you’ve decided to take what he is offering so that you don’t lose the relationship altogether. In other words, you cut yourself a deal that isn’t really what you want, and now you’re trying to figure out how to leverage it into more. 😕 This is a tough position to be in — but lots of people with not that much dating experience get themselves into this kind of a pickle. So, here are some options. You can continue with what he’s offering, and try to understand that you agreed to this and he’s been upfront about the terms of the relationship. Or, you can change your own behavior and only accept dates where he shows you that he values your time beyond sex, and wants to take you out, show you off, and make sure you’re happy. This means you’ll have to say no to dates that just involve sleeping over and napping and hanging out — and the risk is that he won’t ask you out on romantic dates and the relationship you have will fizzle away. Or, you can play the field and get to know other people and date other guys while you’re waiting for him to show up next. This is probably what he’s doing, and it’ll give you more of a sense of control over your life. But as long as you try to get him to show you emotions he doesn’t really have for you, you’re going to be frustrated. I hope you can consider this advice — and if you need more, I’m here for you.

[Sally]

I know it’s hard, but right now the best thing you can do is pull back a little. Let him show you what he wants through his actions, not just the moments that felt close. If he’s interested, he’ll reach out and make it clear. If he doesn’t, that silence is your answer.
Try not to fill in the blanks for him. You’ve already shown you care and that you’re open to more. Now it’s his turn. Focus on keeping your balance while you wait. Don’t put your life on pause for someone who might not be ready to meet you halfway.

[PassionSeeker]

You don’t owe him patience in the dark.
Reach out once if you want clarity, but after that, choose peace over guessing.
Sometimes the unanswered message is the answer and it’s an invitation to start honoring your needs with the same attentiveness you offered him.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… he gave you every mixed signal in the book 🫠 like, you’re trying to decode feelings he’s not even sure he has. that night was chemistry, curiosity, maybe comfort, but not clarity. don’t chase someone who only shows up when it’s convenient. you already tied your wrists once, don’t tie your heart next. 💋

[Ethan Morales]

From everything you’ve described, it’s clear that he’s physically and emotionally attracted to you. The closeness, the wrestling, the teasing, the intimacy in bed all of that shows he enjoys your company and trusts you. He even checked in with your comfort level about sexual things, which is a big sign of respect and interest.

Where the confusion comes in is that he isn’t giving you clear signals about commitment. He’s not rushing into defining a relationship, and his texting habits are inconsistent. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you it just means his “relationship clock” is different from yours. Right now, it seems like he’s enjoying the connection, the intimacy, and the fun, but he’s not making moves to solidify it or plan the next steps on his own.

The tricky part here is that you want clarity, consistency, and a sense of direction, and he’s not giving that yet. That’s why April’s advice about “playing it cool” is smart: giving him space to miss you and initiate contact reduces pressure and lets you see if he’s willing to step up without forcing it. But also, be honest with yourself about what you need: if you’re ready for a significant, consistent relationship, you may eventually feel frustrated if he doesn’t match that.

He likes you and is attracted to you. He’s not rushing into commitment, and that’s causing your confusion. Give him space, but keep your boundaries clear. Know what you want and what you’re willing to wait for. Observe actions over words. If he truly wants more, he’ll make consistent moves eventually.

[Tara]

You’re too busy romanticizing to acknowledge: he already told you everything you need to know by not responding. Men don’t accidentally ignore women they want. They don’t “forget” to text after a night of physical intensity. They don’t go silent when they’re actually interested. They pursue. They make space. They follow up. He didn’t because he didn’t want to.

You’re clinging to the rope tricks and the closeness like they were promises, when they were nothing more than his entertainment for the evening. He got the intimacy without the accountability, and you made it effortless by hoping his body language meant more than his actual behavior. He enjoyed the proximity. He didn’t want the commitment. Those two things can coexist, and you got caught in the gap.

There’s no hidden message here. No mixed signal. No secret longing. There’s just a man who vanished the moment you showed the slightest expectation. That’s not confusion that’s clarity.

[Sally]

I can tell you’re really spun up about this, and honestly… I get it. There’s history, there’s chemistry, there’s a whole mix of old feelings and new signals, and now he’s gone quiet right when you finally felt something real might be happening.

Here’s the thing most people miss in situations like this: a guy can be physically close, flirty, even sexual… and still not know what he wants emotionally. Everything you described the wrestling, the rope, the touching, the bed that’s intimacy, but it’s not clarity. He was in the moment. He liked the closeness. But that doesn’t automatically mean he’s choosing something deeper.

And him not replying? That’s a choice. Even if he “hates texting,” people make time for who they’re excited about. Silence is its own answer, even if it hurts.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You were open, and you showed up honestly. But don’t chase him. If he wants to continue whatever spark you two had, he’ll reach out when he’s ready. Give it space. Let him be the one to close the gap this time.

If he doesn’t? Then at least you know, and you can stop waiting in limbo. You deserve someone who doesn’t disappear right after getting that close to you.

[PassionSeeker]

You and he have a long history of mixed attraction, unspoken feelings, and playful intimacy that never had a container. When you finally reconnected, it felt like all those unresolved threads tied themselves together. But the truth is, neither of you communicated what you really wanted. He kept things vague. You stayed quiet out of uncertainty. You both waited for the other to make the emotional move. Now the silence is stretching because he isn’t someone who takes the lead in relationships. He responds, but doesn’t initiate. He participates, but doesn’t guide. If you want something real, you’d have to be the one to define it and risk losing whatever you currently have. If he wanted a deeper path, he would have shown it by now. The door isn’t closed, but it’s not opening without your clarity.

[Natalie Noah]

I can really feel how tangled and confusing this situation is for you. There’s a lot of chemistry, intimacy, and playfulness between you two, but there’s also a very clear lack of emotional clarity on his part. He’s showing you that he enjoys your company, trusts you with intimacy, and clearly likes spending time with you, yet he has explicitly set boundaries around commitment and has been careful to say he doesn’t want you to “wait” for him. This is a classic case of someone who is emotionally invested in certain ways physically, playfully, and perhaps even affectionately but isn’t ready or willing to move into a traditional relationship. It’s understandable that this leaves you feeling uncertain, because the closeness and sexual connection naturally make you hope for something more.

From what you’ve described, it seems like you’re caught in a tension between what you want and what he’s offering. You want a relationship with emotional connection, continuity, and perhaps the reassurance of mutual exclusivity, while he’s comfortable with a friends-with-benefits arrangement and the freedom to avoid commitment. April Masini’s guidance highlights this perfectly: he’s not offering the relationship you crave, and while it’s tempting to read into his words or actions for signs that he secretly wants more, the reality is that he’s made the framework of this connection very clear. You’re not “stupid” for wondering if there’s more there it’s natural to hope that someone you care about might reciprocate fully but it’s important to distinguish hope from the actual dynamics he’s expressing.

Your feelings of frustration and confusion also stem from the mixed signals inherent in this kind of relationship. He’s physically intimate, playful, affectionate, and responsive to your needs, but emotionally he’s guarded and non-committal. This is especially hard when you care deeply and have invested emotionally, because the signals feel like they could point toward a more committed future, even though he’s explicitly saying they don’t. The challenge for you is that unless you shift your focus away from trying to get him to meet your emotional needs, you’re likely to continue feeling hurt, anxious, and frustrated. Accepting the arrangement for what it is or redefining your own boundaries is necessary for your emotional well-being.

Practically, this means taking a step back and giving him space, as April advised. Stop trying to interpret every word or action for hidden meaning, and focus on what you truly want and deserve. If a friends-with-benefits arrangement works for you emotionally, you can continue with clear boundaries. But if your heart is looking for consistency, affection beyond the sexual, and emotional investment, you may need to step back and reassess. Don’t try to manipulate him into showing feelings he’s not ready to show that only leads to more frustration. Instead, prioritize your own emotional needs, and consider exploring other connections that align more closely with what you want in a partner. It’s painful, yes, but it’s also the clearest path to protecting yourself and finding a more fulfilling relationship.

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