[Anonymous]

Hey April. Been a while. Well where do i start. Ill try to make this quick. Basically ive been talking to this girl for about 5 months, i think we have both been exclusive. I wouldn’t say i love her, but the feelings are strong. And that doesn’t happen to me easily. So this weekend she told me he had a mmf 3way. At first i was like whatever. (and this seems to happen quite often with her. That ill think of what i should of said at that moment later. but i never know how to bring whatever the subject is back up) But the more i think about it the more it bothers me. I just keep seeing the image in my head and it is driving me nuts, almost makes me sick to my stomach. When we first started talking she told me she had a gf before, and also had a ffm 3way, which is already pretty crazy. which didn’t bother me as much. but two guys…..thats like hoe-ish tendencies. and i dont mess with those types. She said it was her friend with benefits at the time and his friend and she was drunk. Said she doesn’t do stuff like that anymore but i cant help to think she would if she wasn’t talking to me. I mean i like the fact that she is sexually open minded but man….and why didn’t she tell me that when she told me about the other 3way? She also said she wanted me and me only, but idk….

I haven’t seen her in a couple days, and really haven’t responded to her call/texts like i normally would. wonder if she even knows why. You’ll probably ask if I have told her how i felt. No, not like im telling you. But i did tell her it was bothering me. and she just said she hopes it doesn’t bother me too much cuz she’d hate for it to change the way i feel about her *txt msg*, and then proceeded to talk about other stuff. Maybe to try n take my mind off of it? I told myself i just wasn’t going to get in a relationship with her. But i think i already care for her too much, cant just put my feelings back in a box. If it was just some girl i wouldn’t really care. But besides that, she is a pretty good catch. Id hate to throw away something good just because of this. But it absolutely is bugging the hell out of me. What to do, what to do?? *sidenote*, i haven’t asked her how many sexual partners she has had but if its alot she may have to go cuz i can only handle so much. and if you are going suggest me talking to her more about it could you maybe give me an idea of how to bring it up or what to say..Not really good at it lol and she is always nothing but nice to me which makes it even harder cuz i dont want to hurt her and what not. It’d be easier if she had like an attitude with me here and there lol. But thanks in advance!

[[hawt.n.bothered]]

It’s already [i]past[/i]. Not saying you could erase them just like that but if you really care/like her, well, just give it a try. I like the fact that she’s being honest, because it’s really hard for a girl to expose all her scandalous experiences hahah my boy friend finds it hard too, cause I was pretty wild before but as time goes by, he finally accepts for who I am and all my mistakes. But we struggled a lot though, he had trust issues with me and was a bit paranoid that I might cheat on him whenever I was out heheh. Sooo, learn to trust her as well =))

[Ask April Masini]

You’ll have to clarify: When you said she told this weekend that she had a threesome, do you mean she had a threesome THIS PAST WEEKEND? Or was it sometime in the distant past?

How long ago have her threesomes and her girlfriend experiences been?

[Anonymous]

I dont know exactly when, but it was in the past, i believe years ago.

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

[Anonymous]

We are both 25

[Anonymous]

I saw your post and I had to respond….

I actually had done this as well (in my past). Honestly, while I don’t know her reasons….there may be something deeper to it. My fiance actually found out – because he knew a friend of a friend of a friend. He knew that I slept with this person 3 yrs before we even met. However, he didn’t know it was him and another guy. So apparently, they were all out together and started talking – and whoops – he found out. We actually broke up for 6 months over it – but honestly, there were reasons for why I did that – one of which, having fun – but reasons that I have not even openly admitted to myself – let alone another person.

I’m a good, loyal, honest, respectful woman and would NEVER do that again. Everyone makes mistakes and have skeletons in her closet. You can’t fault her for this – and I’m sure that you have done some things in your past that she may not like/agree with – but if you really care about her, then you will give her a chance. If you feel like you need to talk to her to move past it – then explain how you feel and ask questions if you need to. But be advised, some of the answers may not be what you want to hear – so tread lightly, because sometimes the unknown (especially the specifics) is better in a case like this.

If she’s not continuing this behavior currently, then I wouldn’t say that you have anything to worry about right now. Like I said, I went through that stage (being “ho-ish), but that was in my early 20s and I was learning about myself and my sexuality. I’m almost 30, and I know what I want and what I need – and that’s the man I am going to marry! Good luck to you!

[Ask April Masini]

Everybody has past behavior or skeletons in their closets that they wish were different. But if a skeleton in your girlfriend’s closet is too big for you to get past, then recognize that fact and move on. She obviously can’t change her past, and if you believe that her menage a trois was strictly a past behavior that she’s no longer interested in, then maybe you can accept it as part of her past. But if you can’t then know that about yourself and try to find someone with a more compatible past to yours.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Twitter @AskAprilcom (no dot!) and Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Well you said, let you know how things go. So, a little after i wrote here. i talked to her and got about 90% off my chest. and felt better at the time. So decided to continue seeing her. Although she did had asked me if i wanted space at that time but i said i didn’t really think so. I wish i wouldve taken that space now, i pretty much let her slide back in. Im pretty much over it but its still in the back of my mind. So i cant see myself getting in a relationship with her. Or my feelings any stronger. Its almost like a mental block. Like writer’s block for an author. Something in me just will not let it happen. But im not ready to say goodbye yet, there is a lot worse out there. Soooo, ill just wait until something better comes, or just eventually end it, or make her wanna end it. I kno, i kno. It sounds bad.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest with yourself and end it. Why “wait” for something better to come along? You only tie yourself up that way. Just give both of you permission to move on by ending it. You’ll respect yourself more and so will she. Otherwise, you just end up doing passive/aggressive things to get the other person to walk away. Then you’ll feel crummy because you will have been “left.”

[Ask April Masini]

You really need to read my book for men called Date Out of Your League. You can get it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] Clearly, you need some advice on how to win with women! 😉

[b]halley[/b] gave you very good advice because if you’re with someone — even halfway with someone — you’re not as available to other women who may be your Ms. Right! If you know she’s never going to be your Ms. Right, then move on and find someone who’s going to be compatible with you.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter or on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Ethan Morales]

That’s a tough one and honestly, I’m glad you’re thinking deeply about it rather than just reacting. What you’re feeling is real in the sense that emotions don’t lie attraction, admiration, excitement all of that feels like love when you’re 14. It’s strong and consuming because it’s probably one of the first times your heart’s been hit with something this intense. But what April pointed out, and I think she’s absolutely right, is that it’s a normal kind of first crush, not a lasting kind of love. A lot of people develop feelings like this for a teacher because they’re kind, confident, and stable all the things that feel magnetic when you’re growing up.

The tricky part is, while your emotions are valid, acting on them wouldn’t be safe or appropriate. You already seem to know that, which shows a lot of maturity. The danger isn’t that you’re “wrong” for feeling something the danger is if a teacher ever encourages it or crosses that line. A healthy teacher-student relationship should stay about learning, encouragement, and respect. Anything more could hurt you and cost him everything, too.

So here’s what I’d say: don’t shame yourself for the feelings they’re part of growing up. But start gently redirecting them. Keep your conversations with him about schoolwork only, and avoid seeking personal contact outside of that context (like texts or calls that aren’t about class). The more you let that emotional space grow between you two, the easier it becomes to let go of that attachment.

Talking about it with someone older and trustworthy an aunt, school counselor, or family friend can really help. Sometimes just saying it out loud makes it lose some of its power. Keeping it all inside keeps the fantasy alive; sharing it brings perspective.

Use this experience as emotional training. You’re learning how powerful attraction can feel, how confusing it can be, and how to handle it with self-control. Those skills will serve you every time you catch feelings for someone later especially the right person.

[Tara]

You’re spiraling because you finally hit a truth you don’t want to admit – you want a woman with a past that flatters your ego, not one with a past that actually exists. And now that her history doesn’t match the fantasy version you built in your head, you’re having a full moral meltdown over something she did before you were even in the picture.

Here’s the blunt reality you’re ducking. Her sexual past isn’t the problem. Your insecurity is. You’re not disgusted by what she did; you’re threatened that she did it without you, before you, and with a freedom you don’t know how to handle. You can call it “hoe-ish tendencies” all you want, but that’s just you slapping a label on it so you don’t have to confront the real issue: you don’t know how to feel chosen without tearing down the version of her that existed before you showed up.

You’re also making the rookie mistake of thinking silence equals dignity. It doesn’t. Ignoring her texts and acting distant doesn’t make you mysterious. It makes you childish. You’re punishing her for being honest with you, and trust me, she notices.

And here’s the part you really don’t want to hear: if a woman’s sexual history is enough to destabilize you, then you’re not ready for a grown relationship. You want to be “sexually open-minded” until it reaches the edge of your comfort zone. Then suddenly she’s too much. That’s not standards. That’s hypocrisy.

Let’s be brutally clear. Either her past is a dealbreaker for you, or it’s not. Sitting in the middle, sulking, imagining her past like a movie you can’t turn off, that’s your problem, not hers.

If it’s a dealbreaker, end it and stop wasting her time. She deserves someone who doesn’t treat honesty like a liability. If it’s not a dealbreaker, then act like a man who can manage his emotions, stop punishing her for being transparent, and have the direct conversation you’re avoiding.

What do you say to her? You stop tiptoeing and spit it out.
“Listen, I’ve been overthinking something you shared, and it’s messing with me more than it should. I’m not judging you, but I want to be honest instead of distant. I care about you, and I want to understand you, not react to my own insecurities.”

That’s it. Clean. Direct. Adult.
Your indecision is the real problem here. Pick a direction and stand in it. Because right now, you’re wavering so hard you’re going to lose her without even making a choice.

[Natalie Noah]

What’s really bothering you isn’t just the past itself, but the way it conflicts with your values and sense of comfort in a partner. Everyone has a history, and sometimes those histories can feel intense or challenging to reconcile especially when it involves things that don’t align with what you want or expect in a relationship. Your reaction is valid; it’s okay to feel unsettled by her past sexual experiences. It doesn’t mean you’re overreacting or being controlling. it means you’re evaluating what feels right and healthy for you in a long-term relationship.

At the same time, dwelling on what she did before you met her isn’t going to help you build the connection you want now. If you want to move forward, you need clarity for yourself: what are your non-negotiables, and what are you willing to accept about a partner’s past? If you do decide to talk with her, approach it gently and from a place of curiosity rather than judgment. You could say something like, “I want to understand more about your past experiences because I care about you and us, but I also want to make sure I’m okay with everything as we move forward.” Framing it around your feelings and the relationship, rather than accusing or criticizing, will make it easier to have an honest conversation without hurting her.

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