[SapphireQueen]

I’m a 26 year old female in a relationship/situation with one of my cousins friends. We were pretty good friends before we called it serious, and have been living together for a little over a year. Well the first 4 to 5 months everything was going great till i started to take notice of his time being away started to be a little lengthy like 14-18 hours and he wasn’t working yet. So i as a woman started to look at myself, wondering if it’s me or something about me. So the minute i try to address the issue appropriately… I didn’t come to him like there was a trust issue or anything of that nature. He automatically blew up about it and asked if i thought he was cheating. So we moved to a different place and the second night we were there, he said he was going to pick something up at like quarter pass 9PM. When he didn’t come back by 11PM, I used the neighbors phone to call… No answer. I waited and called back an hour later his phone was off. I woke up and he still was no where to be found, so I started calling around to see if i could find him. He walks in like nothing happened at 1PM. When i asked how come he didn’t answer his phone he blew up and it was the same thing over again. I told him to call me and let me know if he wouldn’t be making it home or to communicate with me at home so that we both have a better understanding. He said he understood where i was coming from and that he would communicate with me. Well he stayed out didn’t call and i didn’t see him till the next morning. He always says his phone wasn’t charged, but he has a car charger. I asked how come you don’t charge it in the car, he blew up and said i was policing him. There has been time where i couldn’t get to my phone fast enough, and called him back and had to listen to all kind of obscenities calling me out of my name wondering how come i didn’t answer my phone. That’s when my trust and faith for him started fading. We got to the point where i got loud and yelling because i felt i wasn’t being heard, right along with him. When i used to try and calm him down, now i’m the one with the wrecked nerves. He’s left a message on my voicemail saying he wants to break up So i left, and he’s talking that this don’t have to mean break up and maybe we just need some space. He said he hopes we can forget the past so we can gain a future. I’m at the crossroads I really love him and want what we had back, but at what cost? What should I do????

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like the two of you are living together — or close to it, so breaking up is going to be more painful than just stopping dating someone. He’s going to have to move out — or you are. Because this is traumatic, I can understand why you don’t want to do it, but sometimes the pain is temporary and you’re better off in the long run.

The two of you are in a bad pattern that started with his staying out and not telling you where he was. Instead he yelled at you. There really isn’t a good reason for him not to tell you where he is when he doesn’t come home until 1 a.m. It’s understandable that you got angry. It’s understandable that you blew up. What’s not healthy is that the two of you seem to have established a pattern now of mistrust and emotional abuse rather than communication and intimacy.

If you truly feel that you can get back to communication and intimacy, then the relationship is worth working on, but if in your heart you know that he’s not going to communicate with you and will continue to not tell you where he is, and you’ll continue your policing of him because you’re not trusting of him any more, and the two of you keep yelling at each other — it’s better for both of you to break up and move on.

There are lots of reasons people get together and stay together, but if you’re in a relationship where there’s chronic mistrust and fighting, it’s probably better for you to move on without him, even though it will be painful at first.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re describing a pattern that started with poor communication and has slid into emotional volatility and disrespect. That isn’t “relationship stress,” it’s a corrosive pattern that eats at your peace and your safety. Love doesn’t excuse repeated screaming, name-calling, disappearing for hours without a word, or turning reasonable requests into accusations.

Protect yourself emotionally and practically. If he’s already left a “I want to break up” voicemail, don’t pretend that means he won’t do it for real he might. Start treating the relationship like it could end tomorrow: gather important documents, separate out any money you control, and make a plan for where you’ll stay if things go sideways. If you live together, decide now whether you’re willing to stay while you try to fix things, or whether you’ll ask him to move out. That decision should be based on how safe and respected you feel, not on guilt.

Set one clear boundary and a short timeline. Say it once, calmly, with consequences. For example: “I’m not accepting shouting or name-calling. If we can’t speak respectfully, I’m leaving this apartment until we can have a calm conversation. You can call me when you’re ready to talk like an adult.” If he keeps violating that boundary, follow through. Boundaries without follow-through are just words.

Don’t try to repair this alone. If he’s willing to do the work meaning: stop disappearing, stop the verbal abuse, agree to counseling, and actually show up consistently then try couples counseling and a probation period (30–60 days) where behavior change is required. If he refuses help or continues the old patterns, that’s information: he’s not willing to partner up properly.

Watch for emotional abuse red flags: blaming you for “policing,” calling you names, making you feel crazy or guilty for asking normal things that’s gaslighting territory. If it escalates to threats, controlling access to money, or physical intimidation, get out immediately and involve local support services.

Take care of you. Get support from a friend or family member who can be a reality check. Sleep, eat properly, and consider talking to a counselor solo so you don’t internalize the chaos. Remember: you can love someone and still refuse to be mistreated. Wanting the old warm, secure version of him is fair but if he’s not choosing you consistently, you have every right to choose yourself instead.

[Natalie Noah]

The pattern you’re describing isn’t just “miscommunication.” It’s instability, blame-shifting, and emotional volatility. When someone disappears for 14–18 hours, lies about where they are, refuses to answer their phone, and then punishes you for wanting basic communication… that’s not about you being insecure. That’s them avoiding accountability. And the moment you try to calmly address it, he flips it on you, blows up, and makes you feel guilty for even asking. That kind of dynamic slowly rewires your nervous system. it makes you doubt yourself, makes you feel like you’re “overreacting,” and makes you walk on eggshells. That’s why your nerves feel wrecked now. Your body has been living in a state of alarm for a long time.

The relationship you want, the one from the beginning isn’t there anymore. And it didn’t disappear because you changed. It disappeared because he created a cycle: disappearing, yelling, blaming, withholding communication, expecting loyalty without giving safety, and demanding things from you that he doesn’t do himself. That’s not partnership, that’s control. When he says things like “maybe we just need space,” or “forget the past,” what he’s really saying is: I don’t want the responsibility of changing, but I don’t want to lose the benefits of keeping you. And the fact that he leaves you panicking overnight while he does whatever he wants… then comes home acting normal… that’s emotional manipulation. Whether he knows it or not, that’s what it is.

I want you to hear this softly: love is not supposed to feel like survival. You should not have to beg for the bare minimum safety, communication, respect. And I know you love him, and I know you want the good version of the relationship back… but that version only existed before the real patterns showed themselves. If you stay, it will only work if he is genuinely willing to take responsibility, communicate, and rebuild trust and right now, everything he does shows the opposite. Choosing yourself might feel painful at first, but staying in this will slowly destroy your self-esteem, your peace, and your sense of worth. You deserve a love that doesn’t make you feel scared, small, or confused. You deserve someone who comes home… and doesn’t make you feel like you’re asking too much just for wanting to feel safe.

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