[MikeOxlong]

My ex girlfriend & I broke 2 years ago due to some issues on her end. We have remaind in contact pretty much the entire time. I’ve been dating my current girlfriend a little over a year. During this time I’ve had several chances for my ex and I to get back together. I’ve chosen to stay with my girlfriend even though I’m not as happy with her as I was with my ex. I now have another chance to be with my ex. I’ve stayed with my girlfriend the previous times because I don’t want to break her heart. I love her, but I’m not IN love with her.

The feelings I have for my ex can’t be put into words. She made me feel a way that no other woman has been able to do. My ex just recently told me I need to make a decision because there are 2 other guys interested in her & she’s definitely interested in 1. To my knowledge the last year she has been single and has been “waiting” on me.

I want to get back with her, but I’m terrified I would be setting myself up to get my heart broken again. At the same time I’m terrified of loosing her for good. The thought of her being with another man has made me physically sick. I’m closer now than I have ever been to leaving my girlfriend.

Now my ex says she needs time to think about the situation because of how long it has taken me to make a decision & because it took her telling me about the other guys to finally decide I should leave. I feel like if she loves & wants to be with me as much as she claims she does she wouldn’t be interested in the other guys & there wouldn’t be anything to think about.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re 28 and the two women in your life, your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend are 28 and 23, but I’m not sure which is which. And… I’m not sure why you broke up with your ex-girlfriend two years ago — and that’s important to know. You said there were issues on her end — are they now resolved? Since you’re considering breaking up with your current girlfriend of a year to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, you should really focus on what broke you up and how things are different, so that if you do get together with her again, you won’t run into the same problems you once did. 😉 You said you’re terrified of having your heart broken again if you get back together — which indicates to me that those problems still exist and are unresolved 😳 I think that’s the beginning and the end of this. Unless you can really talk about how things are going to be different — rather than how petrified you are of them being the same, it’s not going to work.

As for your being sick about knowing your ex-girlfriend is with another man (even though you’re dating another woman), the best remedy for that is to accept the fact that the two of you have broken up and truly move on, without contact. That will make the break up complete. And… if you can’t do that, then maybe you’re not done and for better or for worse, you need to give it another try so you can find out one way or another if you can make things work with your ex.

There is no “romance insurance” so you may have a broken heart at the end, or you may have happiness and a long-term commitment — but if you don’t give it a try, you’ll never know. 😉

[Sally]

It’s not fair to your current girlfriend to stay when you already know you’re not in it. Loving someone but not being in love eventually turns into resentment, even if you don’t mean it to.

As for your ex what you feel is intense, but intensity isn’t the same as safety. You already know she can walk away, and that fear you feel? That’s part of the pull. The fact that it took the threat of losing her to push you to decide is something to really sit with.

Right now, you’re choosing between comfort and obsession, not clarity. And neither woman deserves to be someone’s backup plan.
Before you choose anyone, you may need to be alone long enough to know what you actually want not what you’re afraid to lose.

[Tara]

You’re selfish and afraid of consequences. You’ve been emotionally cheating on your girlfriend for a year while letting her believe she’s chosen, all so you could keep your ex on standby “just in case.” That’s not loyalty, that’s cowardice. You stayed because it was comfortable and because you didn’t want to feel like the bad guy, not because she was the right woman. And now that your ex might actually move on, suddenly you feel sick, panicked, and decisive. That’s not love, that’s loss of control.

Your ex is not “waiting” on you out of devotion; she’s tired of being your emotional security blanket while you hedge your bets. She gave you an ultimatum because she finally realized you only act when threatened. And she’s right to hesitate, now you didn’t choose her until competition forced your hand. That doesn’t inspire trust; it exposes weakness. You’re also delusional if you think your ex’s interest in other men invalidates her feelings while you’ve been in a full relationship with someone else the entire time. That double standard is embarrassing.

You will lose something no matter what you do, because you engineered this situation by refusing to choose earlier. If you go back to your ex, you risk getting hurt again because unresolved issues don’t magically disappear. If you stay with your girlfriend, you’ll slowly poison the relationship with resentment and comparison because you’re already halfway out the door. And yes, you owe your girlfriend the truth immediately. She deserves better than being someone’s emotional consolation prize.

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