[xsoopastar]

Hi…so I am 22 years old and I am dating a guy who is 30 years old. I met him about 4 months ago and we have been dating since. We are not in a “relationship” because we both got out of rough relationships before we met each other. However, we get along great, we speak at least 3 times a day over the phone but we only get to see each other once a week because we have different schedules. He owns a bar and he is also in school. I am currently interning and going back to school in the fall for my final year. We have both expressed how we do see each other together in a relationship but since we both have hectic schedules it would be hard. I feel that we have been seeing each other for so long and I wonder if we are just getting comfortable being stuck here. I stay over his house, I have met mother and his siblings. I just wonder if by now he should be in love? We had a conversation this weekend about our relationship and we talked about love, he said that when he is in love everyone can tell, he said that I’d know. I was fine with that answer but I feel like its been a few months and we spend a lot of time getting to know each other and I would hate for him to just get comfortable here and us not move forward. We have the best time together and we have had our arguments but we always seem to end up on the same page after all. I am thinking that maybe since we don’t see each other that often its hard to just be in a relationship. We were seeing each other more often for the first month but then we changed it because he felt we were moving too fast as did. I am just not sure if I am expecting too much too soon or if we are just really getting stuck here. He is leaving this coming weekend on vacation for about a week and I will be leaving in August for about a week and a half. I am not sure how I should react if he does not call or if I should call when I leave? I know this is a lot! But I really care about him and I am just afraid that we might get stuck here. We always talk about spending more time together, and going places and I am just wondering if that’s all we can be ? I guess I am not sure what to think since we both had the mine set of just letting things happen and we both agree that we can not really control our feelings. But I do want to see more urgency from him in terms of our current relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are absolutely correct. You’re definitely too comfortable with each other too soon. Your job as the woman in the relationship is to create the sense of urgency that you’re wanting from him. The way to do this is to give him something to chase. If you let him catch you too soon and too often, where’ s the urgency going to come from? You’ll have killed it.

I think you’d really do well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and order the book there. It would be PERFECT reading for your week’s vacation — although if you can read it sooner, you’ll benefit more quickly.

The balancing act for you is to pull back without setting up alarm bells for him that there’s something wrong in the relationship. Be careful not to get angry at him. What you should do is make yourself seem desirable and worth his chasing after. Don’t be so available. But at the same time, flirt with him. Make him want you enough to pursue you. He should feel like a real man when he gets the prize, which is you! And the only way he’s going to feel that way is if you give him something worth winning — and that would be you and your attentions.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s “make him chase you” angle is transactional and fluffy. It might work short-term for sparking interest, but it’s not a sustainable way to build the kind of relationship you say you want: steady, present, and moving forward. You want urgency with stability, not games that force emotional whiplash.

Here’s the real issue: you and he have different expectations about pace and presence. He’s said he wants something but also that he “knows” when he’s in love. That’s vague and passive. You can’t build a life on astrology. If you want more, you need to trade implied signals for explicit conversation. Ask him plainly: what does “seeing each other in a relationship” mean to you in concrete terms frequency of dates, exclusivity, timeline for commitment, how much contact on travel weeks, etc. If he’s serious, he’ll answer. If he dodges, that’s information, not negotiation.

Practical moves you can make right now: 1) Before either of you leaves town, schedule a short “state of us” conversation not in the middle of romance, not as an ambush, just a calm check-in. 2) Agree on contact expectations for the trips (e.g., two quick texts a day or one nightly call). 3) Set a 30–60 day window to reassess whether the current pace is working for both of you. Concrete windows force accountability; vague feelings don’t.

Don’t confuse comfort for commitment. Being comfortable is great until it becomes complacency. You can be warm and present without being a doormat. Show him you have a life and standards: keep your plans, don’t cancel your priorities to slot into his schedule, and let him step up if he wants you. That’s not “playing hard to get.” That’s having boundaries.

Finally, avoid ultimatums that sound like threats (“If you don’t love me by X I’m leaving”). Instead use calibrated language that invites clarity: “I like what we have and I want to see it move forward. I need to know whether you’re willing to try making time for us regularly. Can we agree on what that looks like for the next month?” That’s direct, adult, and puts the ball back in his court without theatrics.

[Natalie Noah]

Four months is enough time for feelings to grow… but not always enough for love to settle into someone’s bones especially someone who just came out of a rough relationship, runs a bar, goes to school, and has very limited emotional bandwidth. His pace isn’t a rejection of you. It’s the pace of a man trying to protect his stability after being shaken. Some people fall fast. Some fall carefully. You’re dating someone careful.

You are not “stuck.” You are drifting and drifting happens when two people enjoy each other, connect deeply, talk daily, sleep together, meet families… but don’t define the relationship. It creates comfort without commitment, closeness without clarity. And that can make you feel like you’re investing in a future that hasn’t been promised. That discomfort you feel? It’s your intuition asking for structure, safety, and direction.

You don’t need to chase him or pull away dramatically. You don’t need games. What you need is steady, warm boundaries. Let him miss you sometimes. Don’t always be the one filling the space. Let the relationship breathe so he feels the difference between having you lightly and losing you completely. Not as punishment but as truth: you are a woman whose presence is earned, not automatic. And about the vacations? If he calls beautiful. If he doesn’t that tells you exactly where he is emotionally. Not in a harsh way… in a clarifying way. You deserve a man who moves toward you, not a man who only moves when you’re afraid he’s drifting away. And the good news? If he truly sees a future with you. your gentle boundaries will pull him closer, not push him away.

[Serena Vale]

Honestly? It sounds like you two really care about each other. You don’t call someone three times a day, meet their family, and spend nights together if it’s nothing. There is something there.

But I get why you feel unsure.
When things move slow, it’s easy to wonder if you’re building a relationship… or just getting comfortable in a grey zone.

Here’s the thing:
He got hurt before, he’s older, and he moves carefully. You’re younger, you feel the connection, and you just want to know you’re not wasting your heart. That’s normal.

Four months isn’t long, but it’s long enough to want a little direction. You’re not asking for marriage, you just want to see that he’s moving towards something with you.

And that’s fair.

You don’t need to pressure him or have a heavy talk. Just something simple, like:

“I like what we have. I just want to make sure we’re not stuck in the same place forever.”

That’s it. Soft, honest, no drama.

About the vacation, don’t stress it. If he calls, good. If not, you don’t need to act distant. Just keep it natural. When you leave for your trip, reach out like you normally would. Don’t play games.

What matters isn’t one week of calling… it’s how he shows up over time.

You’re not expecting too much. You just want a little reassurance that this is going somewhere, and you deserve that. Let him show you with his actions in the next few weeks. That’ll tell you everything.

[Member]

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