[nichole96]

Ok so here is a little background on the situation. Met a guy online a few months ago and we really hit off. The situation was pretty complicated for both of us since i was going through a divorce and he was separated from his wife. We both have children so not involving them in anything was a big deal for both of us, neither one of us have met the others kids.There were several occasions when neither of us had our children that we spend time at each others houses for a whole weekend. Yes we were intimate on several occasions. We spent time going out on dates and hanging out with friends. Here is were it got confusing for me. After a few weeks of us seeing each other he started throwing out things like i think i’m falling for you and your perfect for me and i would like you to be my girlfriend and i want us to spend more time together. I don’t think i was really ready for that at the time so i pretty much just told him that i was up for spending more time with him and see were it goes. I really do like him a lot and we have a lot in common and get along great. We would talk or text almost everyday but there were several times that i wouldn’t here from him for a few days or the same from me. Then out of the blue he comes out and says he is not sure what to call our relationship because it didn’t seem like i had time for him. I was in the process of closing on my house and moving which he knew about. At that point my time was pretty much freed up and we were able to spend more time together. We had plans to go away for the weekend and i had just heard from him that morning saying all the right things and making me feel special. At this point we had been seeing each other for several months and i had let my guard down and pretty sure that i wanted it to be with him. A few hours later he blind sided me and said “Im sorry i can’t do this anymore, i know things were said and all that but i think i owe it to myself and to my wife to try and make things work. ” I was totally blindsided and hurt. I said ok and that i wish him the best but i was confused as to why all the sudden he changed his mind. He said he felt like he needed to try and so i let it go. They were only married for 6 months and he told me that she wasn’t the person that he thought she was and that she was pretty crazy. I didn’t call or text and pretty much went on with my life. 5 days later he calls and says that he had made a mistake and that he couldn’t quit thinking about me and they were for sure over and blah blah blah. He wanted me back. I didn’t make it easy for him and told him i was up for taking things slow because he hurt me and wasn’t gonna just start over were we left off. He said he understood and that he would do what it takes to gain my trust again. So here i am several weeks later and still confused on were its going. He has blown hot and cold with me ever since we started seeing each other again. He actually went two weeks without contacting me at all and i didn’t contact him. Then came the ” Hey you, How have you been” Text. I told him i was confused as to why he was texting since i haven’t heard from him. He said he just wanted to know how i had been and that i didn’t contact him either. I was polite and responded and we chatted for a few days. I was on vacation at the time so when i got home we had a long conversation as to what he wanted and why he pulled away after he was suppose to be gaining my trust.he said there were a few times that i freaked out on him about a few things and it scared him and pushed him away. I don’t recall doing that but i did tell him that i am a very outspoken person and so i was sorry if seemed that way to him. We talked and decided to start all over from scratch and to see if we can get back to were we were. He did admit to sleeping with someone within that those few weeks i didn’t here from him. But that it meant nothing and he was comparing it to me.. Dumb ass…lol..like thats suppose to make it hurt less. I was actually surprised by his honesty, i figured he would have lied about it when i asked him. we ended up spending the night together and i haven’t heard much from him in two days since then. Im so confused here and i feel like and idiot that keeps putting myself out there. We have a great time when we are together. Its the in between that i don’t understand. I am not at all clingy or needy. I have a busy life with my family and friends. But i am no really sure how to handle this situation. Help please

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t know how old you both are, but you said he is “separated” and that’s different from being divorced. In fact, it means he’s still married, and if his marriage only lasted six months, and it’s his only marriage, that’s a lot of information for you — that you may be ignoring because you’re relatively new to dating after marriage — in fact, you don’t say if you’re still married or divorced, either. What it tells you is that he married someone he didn’t know that well and he makes impulsive decisions. He did with her, and he’s done it with you, now. What that means is that he’ll do it again. Since you’re a single mother, you have to date differently than you did when you were single with no children — and it’s great you’re being protective of your kids, not introducing them to anyone you’re not serious about — but you have to take care of yourself, too. 😉 Because when you take care of yourself, you’re taking care of them. Any dating stress and chaos you experience, no matter how hard you try, will affect your kids, so here are some tips for helping you date smarter:

* Use this rule of thumb for a dating timeline. During the first three months of dating someone, use that time to get to know them and figure out if you want to continue dating them. They should be doing the same. Also, play the field and [i]assume that they are, too. [/i] After six months, decide if you want to be monogamous or not. If you do and he doesn’t, move on.

* Also, you should figure out what it is you want from dating. If you want a commitment and marriage, then date as if that’s what you want. But if you just want to have a good time without a commitment, understand that that’s probably what you’ll get from the guy, too.

It really sounds like this guy is not your Mr. Right, and although he’s got some great qualities, the impulsivity, and his still being married and uncertain about divorce in spite of a separation — should be a deal breaker for you. It’s a lot harder to accept a deal breaker when someone is basically kind and drama free. A big blow up makes a break up easier. But that doesn’t mean the break up is any less warranted. I think you can do better for yourself — and your kids. 😉

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[nichole96]

I am 30 and he is 34. Yes my divorce was finalized over a month ago. I was married for 11 years so right out of high school. I have three daughters that are 10, 7 and 4 and he has 2 daughters that are 10 and 18 months old. He has full custody of his oldest daughter and her mom has never been a part of her life. He has no children with his ex. I have never actually really dated so it all really new. I am also keeping my options open and dating other men as well. I am not putting all my hopes on him at all. He just seems to be the one that i really like and tend to gravitate to. At this point we have decided to just hang out and see were it goes. Im just so confused on why i can’t seem to get him out of head and move on. I just really enjoy spending time with him and i feel more comfortable and like i am my true self when i am with him than i have with anyone else, even with my ex. Something just feel right when are together and i cant seem to figure that part out. Thanks for the advice and there all things that i know its just harder to do them 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

Since you’re new to dating since your divorce, here are a couple of guidelines to take the confusion out of your life! 😉 First, don’t date married men. He’s married. Next! Second, don’t befriend men. They’re not your friends. And certainly, someone you’re sleeping with or did sleep with, is not your friend. If you’re clear with yourself, and clear with the men in your life, you’re going to lose that confusion quickly! 😉

I hope that helps.

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[Ethan Morales]

This man is emotionally unstable, and his behavior shows it. He went from “I’m falling for you” to “I want to be with my wife” to “I made a mistake” to “I slept with someone else” to disappearing for two weeks and then texting like nothing happened. That is not the behavior of a grounded, ready-for-commitment man. That’s someone who reacts to whatever emotion hits him that week. April is right his impulsivity is not a phase. It’s a pattern.

You’re confusing connection with compatibility. You do have chemistry with him. You laugh, you click, the physical side is good that part is real. But chemistry doesn’t predict relationship stability. A man can feel deeply connected to you and still be unable to offer consistency. His hot-and-cold behavior is not because of anything you did it’s because he’s still emotionally tied to his old life, still processing a marriage, and not healed enough to show up fully.

His separation status is the biggest red flag in the whole story. A separated man is still married. Legally, emotionally, psychologically he’s still in transition. And transitions create chaos. You became his emotional escape, then his comfort, then his experiment. He doesn’t know himself well enough to commit, and when a man is unsure of himself, he becomes unsure of you. That’s why he keeps yo-yo’ing back and forth.

You are giving more than he’s capable of returning. You’re steady. You communicate. You don’t cling. You hold your life together. Meanwhile, he disappears for two weeks, sleeps with someone else, then expects a reset like it never happened. That’s not fairness that’s imbalance. He’s using openness as a substitute for responsibility. “I’m being honest” is not a free pass to hurt you.

Starting “from scratch” won’t fix a man who hasn’t reset himself. You can restart the relationship but he hasn’t restarted what caused the chaos. He hasn’t processed his marriage ending. He hasn’t built emotional stability. He hasn’t clarified what he wants long-term. Without those changes, any “fresh start” is just the same cycle playing out again, with a softer tone.

You’re not an idiot. you’re a hopeful person who needs stronger boundaries. You want something real. You’re willing to work through challenges. That’s a strength. But right now, you’re investing in someone who’s still building himself. You deserve a man who doesn’t disappear, doesn’t need resets, doesn’t blame you for his distance, and doesn’t treat attention like a switch he flips when life gets quiet. You’re not asking for too much. he’s offering too little.

[Tara]

He’s using you as his emotional side-piece while he ping-pongs between his ex, other women, and whatever mood he wakes up in. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t respect you, and he sure as hell doesn’t prioritize you. He comes back when he’s bored, lonely, horny, or needs validation then disappears the second he gets overwhelmed by the mess he created. You’re not his second choice; you’re his backup plan when his life falls apart. He fed you commitment lines early because he wanted access to you, not a future with you. The “I slept with someone else but don’t worry,

she wasn’t as good as you” confession? That wasn’t honesty. That was manipulation dressed as vulnerability. And the two-week disappearances? That’s who he actually is. Stop trying to decode a man who already showed you he isn’t consistent, loyal, or emotionally available. You’re not a rehab center for broken men, you’re just the woman he keeps circling back to because you let him. Drop him completely, block him, and free yourself from the slow emotional torture you’re calling “trying again.” You deserve a man who chooses you without disappearing every time things get real, not this revolving-door clown.

[Sally]

A guy who runs hot-cold will do that to you. One minute he’s all in, the next he disappears, then he’s back with big words and excuses. It’s not love, it’s chaos. And chaos feels exciting until it just wears you down.

What you’re describing isn’t you being clingy it’s you trying to understand someone who doesn’t even know what he wants. He keeps choosing comfort in the moment, not commitment. That’s why he says sweet things, sleeps with someone else, and then acts confused when you call it out.

If he wanted you in a steady way, you wouldn’t be guessing this much.
You’re not an idiot. You’re just hoping he’ll be the version he was on the good days. But the in-between is the truth. And you deserve better than holding your breath for someone this unsure.

[Natalie Noah]

The biggest red flag is the fact that he was still married. Even if it was a short marriage and he claims it’s over, legally and emotionally he wasn’t fully free to start something serious with you. That alone creates confusion and instability. His back-and-forth behavior disappearing for days, then reappearing with apologies or explanations isn’t a reflection of your worth or attractiveness; it’s a reflection of his inability to make mature, consistent decisions. You’ve already shown that you’re protective of yourself and your kids, which is exactly the mindset that will prevent you from getting hurt more deeply.

What you’re feeling thinking about him constantly, missing the connection, and feeling drawn to him is completely normal. It’s human to crave emotional closeness, especially when someone makes you feel understood, comfortable, and like your authentic self. That doesn’t mean this guy is right for you; it just means your heart is responding to the emotional chemistry you share. The danger is letting the chemistry override the red flags, like his inconsistency, impulsivity, and the fact that he cheated during the period of uncertainty.

Dating is still new to you, and it’s understandable that you’re processing all of these emotions in a very intense way. You’re learning the difference between someone who excites you and someone who truly respects and values you consistently. The fact that you’re keeping your options open and not putting all your hopes on him is smart. it gives you perspective and keeps you grounded. Even though it’s confusing, this phase is a learning curve: you’re seeing what feels right, what triggers anxiety, and what types of boundaries you need to set to protect yourself and your children.

The key takeaway is clarity and self-protection. If someone can’t fully commit, isn’t emotionally available, or behaves impulsively in ways that hurt you, they are not safe to fully invest in no matter how amazing the chemistry feels. The feelings you’re experiencing are valid, but they need to be balanced with reality. Focus on maintaining your boundaries, understanding what you want in a relationship, and letting your heart catch up to your brain before you let yourself get drawn back into cycles of confusion and emotional rollercoasters. Your intuition knows more than your heart does sometimes and in this situation, it’s telling you to be cautious.

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