[AKC73StL]

I’ve been dating this guy for about 6 weeks. We have a lot in common and he’s very sweet and kind. There’s a lot I really like about him, and I could see myself falling in love with him.

Backtrack to last spring, before I filed for divorce. There’s this guy at church with whom I have been acquainted for a couple of years. Back in March or April we saw each other for the first time after quite a while. I hadn’t yet filed for divorce but I had made up my mind that I was going to once I got my ducks in a row. He was very supportive and he encouraged me to reach out if I needed anything.

I sent him a couple of emails. He responded to the first one, but then I think I might have pushed it too far. He kind of ignored me. Then I didn’t see him again. I figured I screwed it up and just moved on.

In May I filed for divorce from my husband of 11 years (I had been unhappy for at least 9 of them and it was just time.)

In August I met this great guy. He’s a musician and so am I, and we enjoy doing a lot of the same things. There are a couple of things that give me pause, but we are taking things slow and I was just enjoying the ride.

Last Sunday I went to church and M was there. We caught up a little bit and he suggested we do coffee or something sometime. I had kind of forgotten about him, but as soon as I saw him all those feelings came back, and now I’m not really sure what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So you’re 43 years old and you’re married, but in the process of divorcing, and you have three kids ages 2,8 and 10. You’ve been dating a guy for about six weeks, and this other guy who you used to be interested in, but lost touch with, just asked you for coffee. This isn’t that complicated! 😉

First, understand you’re still married, so it’s fine to play the field, but just don’t jump into anything until you’re actually divorced. That’s why it’s great that you’ve decided to take it slow with the six-week guy you’re dating, and why I think you should absolutely have coffee with this other guy from your past who’s just invited you out. Playing the field means dating casually and getting to know these guys as well as yourself. You’ve got a lot of change going on and because you have three young kids, it’s important not to jump into anything too quickly. Whether you realize it or not, the kids are affected by your relationships, so have fun and keep it light….. and definitely say yes to coffee with this other guy.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[Sally]

Someone from the past shows back up and suddenly everything feels loud again, even if you were doing okay.
What stands out to me is that you’re fresh out of a long marriage and still figuring out who you are now. That alone can make old feelings feel bigger than they really are. It doesn’t mean they’re wrong, just amplified.

The new guy sounds steady and kind. Six weeks in, it’s normal to still be sorting things out, especially after everything you’ve been through. You don’t have to have clarity yet.
As for the church guy, it’s okay to notice the feelings without acting fast. Coffee isn’t a promise, but don’t confuse curiosity or unfinished emotions with a sign.
Sometimes people come back just to remind us of a chapter we’ve already closed. Take your time. You don’t owe anyone a rush.

[Tara]

You’re emotionally undisciplined and chasing dopamine. You’re six weeks into a new relationship with a man who is present, kind, aligned with your life, and actually showing up, and you’re ready to destabilize it because an unfinished fantasy from church reappeared and triggered nostalgia. That’s not fate. That’s unresolved emotional residue mixed with the thrill of “what if.”

Let’s be clear: the church guy already showed you who he is. When you were vulnerable and reaching out, he disengaged. He ignored you. Now that you’re divorced, stable, and desirable again, suddenly he’s suggesting coffee. That’s not timing, that’s convenience. And the feelings “coming back” don’t mean compatibility or potential. They mean your brain is romanticizing scarcity and rejection because it never got closure.

Meanwhile, the guy you’re dating hasn’t done anything wrong, and you’re already mentally half out the door because a shiny distraction showed up. That’s unfair to him and sloppy on your part. You don’t get to “just see where it goes” with two men without becoming the exact source of chaos you just exited after 11 years of misery.

[Member]

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