[dakotagirl]

For the past 19 years, I have been married to a man that does not have the same interests as me and who has not been able to meet my emotional needs. After being married to him a few years, I began to realize that our relationship was not growing in the right way and we were not connecting on an emotional level. As time progressed, it seemed as though we were just going through the daily “motions” of working and raising our three children now ages 18, 16, and 11 . Each day that passes, I feel more and more frustrated; whenever I try discussing my feelings with him, he clam ups or starts making excuses for the way I feel; he never wants to admit that we are incompatible.

Approximately 4 years ago (January 2005), while I was working in an office, a (married) male coworker and I became strongly attracted to each other and developed an instant “emotional” connection. After visiting with him at work and over the phone a few times, we discovered that neither of our spouses were able to meet our emotional needs and that him and I shared a lot of the same interests/thoughts. Over a period of time, we started developing very strong feelings towards each other but agreed that as long as we were married we would never step out of our marital boundaries.

The feelings we developed towards each other continued to grow and eventually, I ended up resigning from my position in hopes that we both would forget about each other and move on. After leaving my position (September 2006) and trying to move on, him and I would coincidentally run into each other and our topic of conversation usually ended up being about how we felt towards each other or how miserable our marriages were. At one point in our conversation, we both had indicated that neither one of us had any intentions of staying in our marriages and both felt that when the time was right, our marriages would eventually come to an end.

As time passed (September 2006-December 2008), we managed to keep in touch off and on through emails or phone calls; but later, (January 2009) he made the decision to end contact between us due to our strong feelings and the realization that as long as we were both married there couldn’t be anything more between us. Several months passed (January 2009 – July 2009) where we did not have any contact between us; during that time frame, my feelings and thoughts for him still remained strong.

This past July 2009, after learning (through a former coworker) that he was no longer working at the office (where him and I met) and that he made the decision to pursue a new career, I sent him an email to congratulate him and wish him luck. His email back to me was cordial and once again we started exchanging “cordial” emails.

In September 2009, in an email that he had sent me he gave me his new cell phone number and invited me to send him text messages. We started text messaging almost on a daily basis; at times he would state in his text messages how great it was to be able to get to know each other as friends and then there were times he would text message subtle hints conveying that he still had feelings for me.

A few weeks ago (beginning of October 2009), I sent a text message to him asking him if he still had feelings for me; he texted me back and stated that it was hard for him to tell me his feelings because of the fact we were both married. Following that text message, I sent him an email expressing to him how much I admired him for respecting the institution of marriage and his conviction to never step out of those boundaries. I thanked him for wanting to get to know me as a person and for being my friend. He sent an email back to me that stated he was in the process of “making some changes in his life and once those changes took place he wanted to meet me for lunch“. He also stated in his email back to me not to ask what those changes were; only to trust that everything was going to be ok…. After that email, we continued to correspond through text messaging; I honored his request by not asking him what was going on in his life.

A couple nights ago (October 26, 2009), I ran into him at a local gas station. He told me that he was in the process of filing for divorce and that he was moving out of his house. He asked me if I was considering doing the same; I told him that I going to be exploring different options as I was not sure how to go about leaving or what my actual decision would be.

Since then, I have sent him text messaged letting him know that I am there for him during this difficult time and to let him know that I care about what he is going through right now … He has only returned a couple of my text messages and states that he is really busy and not able to text back.

I am confused…. why is he withdrawing from me since that last conversation took place at the gas station regarding his divorce?

I am afraid that once his divorce is finalized and if I am still married he will definitely move on. My feelings for him are still strong as ever and I could not imagine life without him … I don’t want to loose him …. And I still remain very unhappily married …. Help!

[Ask April Masini]

I’m sorry that you’re unhappy.

You’ve basically been cheating on your husband ever since the first time you started discussing your feelings about your husband with your former co-worker in 2005. It sounds like your former co-worker did decide to end his marriage, and when he recently asked you if you were going to do the same, your answer that you weren’t sure, made him realize that he was doing something life-changing and you weren’t, and that he couldn’t count on you to do what he was doing, so he wasn’t very interested in you any more.

During these last 5 years that the two of you were having an emotional affair, he probably used you to help him get out of his marriage. Maybe there were other women he talked to the way he did you. Now that he’s leaving his wife, he’s probably only going to want to date women who are actually single and available to be in a fully committed relationship with him.

I think that you were using him to avoid your marriage. Now you don’t have him any more, and you’re back where you started in 2005, in a marriage that you’re unhappy with, but that you don’t want to leave.

Being in this limbo is going to be very tough for you. My advice is to decide to be committed to your husband — emotionally, as well as every other way — or to divorce. Anything in between is going to create chaos for you, and probably won’t lead anywhere satisfying.

While you and your husband may have grown apart, and no longer have the same interests, three interests you do share are you children. Maybe your home is another interest you share. Start there, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, and make those children and your home together a common interest that you do talk about. Solve your social needs with girlfriends and other couples. Take care of your sex life if it’s lagged over the last years. Bolster your finances together. Create holidays together where you have extended family in common.

In other words, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, be loyal to it, and if you’re not, stop pussyfooting around, and be committed to divorcing.

Ball’s in your court.

I hope that helps!

[Author]

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