[Riley123]

He loves me and we have been together for almost a year seeing each other almost everyday almost all night and texting all day and night. Even took trips together. It almost is a fully committed relationship except that he lives with his girlfriend of 4 years (most of it was long distance until she moved counties and quit her job to be with him) she wants to get married but he refuses to because he says he’s not ready. I don’t know how he justified all the nights he’s missing and trips he takes and hickeys. He said he tried to break up with her but she won’t listen and let him go. She loves him like no one else and that he cannot kick her out on the street since she has no money, friends and her contract will finish in July and she can either go home or be extended in which case she will move out but until then he cannot change the situation. I know he respects her a lot and he said he’s only said I love you to her and me in his life. He doesn’t know what to do either. Maybe he can’t decide between the two of us? Like she provide him with something I can’t and I provide something she can’t? What does this mean? He also firmly believes that if he doesn’t say something it’s not considered lying. Getting information out of him is very difficult and I have to beg him almost and sound like a psycho stalker to get anything. Asking specific questions or else he won’t share. I love him despite the difficulties and I want to understand where this comes from.. why is he dragging this out and what does this mean?

[Ask April Masini]

He’s got a great set up. He’s got his long-term, live-in girlfriend — and he’s got his one-year girlfriend on the side! Whatever he says, the bottom line is that he doesn’t want things to change. If he did, he’d change them. Instead, he’s saying what he needs to say to keep you in the game, and he’s winning at it. Whether or not you’re “the other” woman, that’s really just semantics. What you definitely are is one of two women that he’s with. Instead of wondering why he’s doing what he’s doing, you should probably ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. If you want a relationship with a man who is going to put you first, this is never going to be that. Instead of trying to win him over — which is never going to happen because he doesn’t want it to happen — why not try to find someone who wants just you? It sounds like you’re trying to help him overcome some defect that is causing him to date both of you without choosing. Instead of turning him into a project, shine the spotlight on yourself. If you want monogamy, go get it — with someone who wants it, also. I hope that helps. 😉

[PassionSeeker]

You and he are mirrors. He hides, you chase. He withholds, you demand. Both of you are addicted to the dance of withholding and revealing. You think you love him, but what you might really love is the version of yourself that burns for something forbidden the version that feels alive in secrecy. The pain makes you feel depth. The struggle feels like proof of love. But sometimes, what we call “soul connection” is just trauma chemistry in disguise.

[Heart Whisperer]

That sounds like emotional quicksand, the more you struggle for clarity, the deeper you sink. I can tell how much you care about him, how real it feels when it’s just the two of you, and how confusing it must be that someone can love you so deeply yet still go home to someone else. But here’s the hard truth I’ve learned after years of trying to understand the men who “aren’t ready.” If a man wants to be free, he’ll find a way. If he doesn’t, he’ll find excuses.

Right now, he’s living two lives, and both women are keeping him comfortable, one gives him stability, the other gives him fire. And you, sweetheart, are stuck holding all the emotion while he gets to avoid the fallout of his choices. That’s not love. That’s cowardice dressed up as confusion.

The part about him saying “if I don’t say it, it’s not lying,” that’s not a belief, that’s a manipulation. People who love honestly volunteer truth; they don’t make you beg for it. You shouldn’t have to twist yourself into a detective to feel secure.

And I get it, the chemistry, the nights, the feeling that maybe you’ve found your person in the wrong circumstance. But ask yourself this, if he can betray her while living with her, what makes you believe he wouldn’t do the same to you when the novelty fades?

Sometimes we mistake intensity for love because it makes us feel alive. But real love doesn’t leave you anxious, waiting, or wondering. Real love shows up in daylight, not just after dark.

You deserve a man who’s fully yours, not one who gives you fragments of himself between lies. He’s not torn between two women, he’s choosing the comfort of indecision. And the longer you stay, the more you’ll start to shrink around his silence.

Let him untangle his mess on his own. Step back with your dignity intact. If he truly loves you, he’ll prove it with action, not apologies whispered in the dark.

[Nina A]

You are not the other woman in his life, you are the woman he’s keeping in the shadows. And that distinction matters. He’s made a choice to live with someone else, and until he takes real action, every promise he gives you is only a delay.

When a man says he “can’t” leave, what he often means is that he doesn’t want to face the consequences of leaving. You can’t build a future on excuses. If he truly wanted to be free, he would be. The only power you have is to step back and stop making it easy for him to live two lives.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… 😤. you’re out here building a fantasy with a man who’s already got a full-time girlfriend and a backup plan. “she won’t let me go” is code for he won’t leave. and that whole “if I don’t say it, it’s not lying”? pure manipulation. he’s greedy. he gets loyalty from both sides without giving either honesty. you’re loving him like he’s yours, but he’s living like he belongs to no one. stop trying to understand why he’s dragging it out, he’s doing it because you’re still letting him. you deserve to be the only one, not the excuse. 💔💅

[Ethan Morales]

This is a classic “split attention” situation, where he is trying to have the benefits of two relationships without fully committing to either. He’s chosen a path that works for him living with his long-term girlfriend while having you on the side and he’s clear about how he justifies it (not seeing it as lying, feeling stuck, or managing both relationships). The problem is that this setup is completely unfair to you emotionally, even if he expresses “love.”

He is not choosing either fully right now: Masini is right: if he wanted things to change, he could act on it. He’s keeping the situation exactly as it is because it benefits him. He has security (the girlfriend) and excitement/connection (you) without needing to take full responsibility or risk emotional loss.

You’re in a position of compromise and uncertainty: Being with someone who is divided in this way creates constant stress, anxiety, and second-guessing. His behavior is not about your worth or your love, it’s about his unwillingness to choose.

Masini points out the important question: why are you staying in this situation? You’re not “wrong” for being in love, but staying in a half-relationship means you’re accepting less than you deserve. He is unlikely to change; trying to “win him over” or help him overcome his indecision is a losing game.

You have to ask yourself if you want a man who chooses you fully, or if you’re willing to continue being one of two women in a complicated, emotionally draining situation. Masini’s advice to “shine the spotlight on yourself” is crucial seek a relationship where you are the priority, not the side option.

This isn’t about who he loves more. it’s about who he prioritizes. He is unlikely to fully commit to you while he maintains the status quo. If you want a healthy, secure, and loving relationship, the choice is to step back and focus on yourself and a partner who wants only you.

[Tara]

You’re not confused, you’re just refusing to face the humiliating truth sitting right in front of you: you’re a side dish he keeps around because you’re easy, available, and too wrapped up in your own fantasy to walk away.

He’s not torn, conflicted, overwhelmed, or loyal he’s opportunistic, selfish, and smart enough to know you’ll swallow any excuse as long as he throws you a scrap of attention. You keep pretending you’re special while he’s literally living his best double-life with zero consequences, and the only reason he hasn’t chosen you is because he doesn’t have to.

He gets everything he wants her stability, your thrill and you get the privilege of being his backup entertainment. If you had an ounce of self-respect, you’d stop making excuses for a man who’s openly manipulating you, but instead you’re here trying to turn a blatant insult into a tragic love story. Wake up. You’re not his future, you’re his convenience, and he’ll keep using you until you finally grow a spine and stop auditioning for a job he already filled.

[Sally]

You’re trying so hard to make sense of this.
But the truth is simple, even if it hurts: you’re not “potentially more.” You’re the other woman in a situation he’s choosing not to fix.
He’s not stuck. He’s comfortable.

If he wanted to leave her, he would’ve left her. People break up every day under harder circumstances than this. You don’t stay with someone for a year, sleep in someone else’s bed most nights, take trips, give hickeys, and somehow still be “unable” to end things at home. That’s not loyalty that’s convenience.

And all those lines he feeds you about not wanting to hurt her or kick her out? That’s how he keeps you patient. Meanwhile, he tells her nothing. You only get what you beg for because he doesn’t want to be held accountable.

You’re trying to understand his heart, but his actions already told you everything.
He’s dragging this out because having both of you works for him.

Please don’t build your life on someone who treats honesty like a loophole.
You deserve a man who chooses you without hiding.

[Natalie Noah]

On one hand, he expresses love for you, spends almost all his time with you, and has built a deep connection over the past year. On the other hand, he’s still living with a long-term girlfriend, maintains a relationship with her, and has been unable to make a firm decision about ending things with her. That inconsistency is confusing and emotionally draining, because it sends mixed signals: he’s giving you affection, attention, and intimacy, but at the same time he’s keeping a safety net in place with his other partner. It’s natural to try to make sense of why he behaves this way, especially when you care about him so deeply.

April’s advice cuts right to the heart of it: the situation is really about him wanting to keep both relationships in some form. Whether or not he justifies it as “not lying” or “respecting” his long-term girlfriend, the reality is that he’s creating a scenario where he doesn’t have to make a choice. This leaves you in a position where you’re invested, waiting, and hoping for him to prioritize you, but he’s unlikely to ever fully commit because he benefits from having both. The focus then shifts from trying to fix him or figure out his motives, to looking at what this dynamic is doing to you the emotional toll, the uncertainty, and the lack of security.

Ultimately, the key question is whether you want to continue investing in a man who is unwilling or unable to choose you exclusively. You deserve someone who wants just you, who will prioritize your relationship, and who won’t put you in a constant state of doubt. This is about reclaiming your own power and emotional well-being. The situation as it stands is unlikely to change unless he has a genuine desire to commit fully, and right now, he’s benefiting from keeping the status quo. Shifting the spotlight to yourself your needs, your self-respect, and the kind of love you deserve is the healthiest step forward.

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