[Alr24]

I’ve known my current boyfriend for about a year. We’ve been dating about 6 months. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had. He’s so good to me and goes out of his way to make sure I feel special. He’s so in love with me. I love him and care about him, but I’m not in love with him. I’m attracted to him, but I’m not blown away by how sexy he is. I never catch myself staring at him and just thinking “damn.” I dont have that ‘I need you’ feeling for him. I’m not in love with him. I’m in my 20s, I dont want to waste time with a relationship that might not go anywhere.. But I also think I might just being shallow.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re smart to be asking this question of yourself at the six month mark because this is definitely the time when stronger commitments like monogamy begin to form and a future seems possible. Remember that not everyone feels the same way at the same time in any relationship, and that that’s okay. To make a relationship work you both have to have enough of a commitment to make yourselves and each other happy and peaceful. But since you have some doubts about your own feelings, ask yourself how you’d feel if the two of you broke up, and if he found someone else. Do you have any feelings about losing “the one” to someone else? Test your worst case scenarios in your mind and if you would be okay with him seeing someone else, seriously, and even marrying someone else and riding off into the sunset with that person, then you should let go and move on. If you feel that you’re missing out on dating other people or that you’ll never love him enough to make a strong commitment, then that’s a sign for you to move on. For now, see how it goes a little longer with him, while you ask yourself these questions and test out the answers in your head. Consider a break up, and if you feel good about that outcome, you’ll have your answer. Or if you find yourselves bickering or if you start acting out in other ways by flirting with other guys you’d like to date, then consider that your answer is suppressed.

[Sally]

It’s confusing when someone treats you right but the feeling you think you’re supposed to have just… isn’t there. But here’s the thing a lot of people don’t say out loud: not everyone gets that fireworks feeling, and even when they do, it doesn’t always last or mean anything good.

What you described sounds more like comfort than connection. And comfort is nice, but it can also make you stay longer than you should because you feel guilty for not matching his love. You’re not shallow for wanting to feel something deeper. You’re just being honest with yourself.

If you already know you’re not falling in love six months in, that usually doesn’t switch on later. And staying out of fear of hurting him just ends up hurting you both.
Give yourself the space to choose a life that actually lights you up, not one that just feels “good enough.”

[Tara]

You don’t love him. You love the idea of being loved by him. You love how he treats you, how safe it feels, how easy it is, but none of that is the same as actually wanting him. You’re trying to convince yourself that attraction can be negotiated, that affection can evolve into desire, that stability can spark passion. It can’t. If six months in the honeymoon phase, you’re already thinking, “He’s great, but…,” then the “but” is the relationship.

You keep calling yourself “shallow” because it’s easier than accepting that the relationship is wrong. You’re not shallow for wanting chemistry. You’re not cruel for wanting passion. You’re cruel if you stay with a man who’s head-over-heels while you’re lukewarm at best, letting him invest deeper while you already know you’re not going to meet him there.

This doesn’t get better with time. It gets worse. He’ll want more. You’ll feel less. You’ll start resenting him for loving you harder than you can love him back. He’ll start suffocating you without even knowing it. And you’ll wake up one day asking, “How did I get stuck here?” even though the answer is staring you in the face right now.

[Author]

Posts