[kittykat]

I have a boyfriend of nearly 2 years, who is great and really loves me, but I still feel like an ex from 5 years ago is the one.
My ex and I had an intense short relationship before I moved. After months of being long distance, and being so young (21 & 19), we decided it was better to explore the world. I don’t talk to him regularly but when I do, I imidiately start thinking about the life we could have. It doesn’t make sense because I’m sure we both have changed, but I can’t help what’s in my heart. I really thought I was over him, but I’m not. I feel like this isn’t fair to my current bf, but if I don’t have a chance with my ex then I need to look forward to a life with someone else like my current bf.
I talked a little with my ex about this. He still has feelings but he is focusing on recovering from an illness and has reservations since I live half way across the country. I’m finishing school, so I don’t want to move to be near him until I’m done.
I don’t want to lead my bf on anymore if I really have a chance with my ex, but I’m not sure I’m being realistic.

Feeling Lost

[Ask April Masini]

You’re not being realistic about your ex-boyfriend being a current boyfriend. He’s made it clear that a relationship between the two of you will not work, and you live too far away from each other to make it work. So forget about him. The feelings you have for him are just feelings, and feelings are not enough to make a real relationship work. Compatibility is going to be the currency in any relationship, and you don’t have that with your ex-boyfriend for the 2 reasons above (he isn’t into a reunion and you live too far away).

However, your fantasies about what could have been with your ex-boyfriend may be your round about way of trying to get yourself out of the current relationship you are in, which at the 2 year mark, really should be moving towards marriage — and if that’s not what you want from this boyfriend, your brain may be trying to get you out of the relationship without being straightforward or brutally honest with yourself — or him.

To be fair to yourself and your current boyfriend, decide if you want in or out of this relationship. It’s not fair to yourself or him to waste time in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

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