[Grandevanilla]

I am traveling to Paris next week with my long time girlfriend and plan to propose to her. I planned to tell the kids first when we return, but a close friend of mine figured out my plans and is convinced that not telling my daughter first will crush her.

My 19 year old daughter and I have been very close over the years (although she’s been in the throes of her teenage years for a while now and so there is definitely more distance between us than there used to be). She likes my girlfriend, but has told me in the past that she doesn’t like me to be in a relationship and doesn’t want me to be remarried…so I don’t think this will be a positive for her. In part, she feels like she’ll be marginalized and also she fears that I’ll be starting a new family and leaving her behind.

In short, my daughter is one of the most important people in my life, so I’m now worried that I might really hurt her by not telling her before I propose. On the other hand, I’m also concerned that she won’t take it well and will then put me in a position of having to tell her I’m going forward with it anyway (so it seems that would make here feel like her fears are validated) and also risking having her blast it out on social media (of which my girlfriend is a friend of hers, so that would ruin any surprise).

Also, if I tell her, it seems I’d need to tell my son (her 14 year old brother), who is friends with, and talks to, my girlfriends daughter often…and so on.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

[Ask April Masini]

If you’re looking for approval from your teenage daughter, don’t. It’s too steep a bill for her to foot. Teenagers are hormonally charged and that’s why they can’t be counted on for an even emotional keel — especially when it comes to blending families with all their dynamics and intertwined relationships. So, just make sure you’re not looking for approval when you think about telling her about your plans to propose to your girlfriend. However, if you’re simply looking to share your good news, before proposing, because you and your children are close and you share things like this with each other, then you should do so with both your children together, at the same time. Test this idea by imagining you’re buying your wife a ten year anniversary gift — would you loop your kids in on the gift process? If so, then sharing the pre-proposal plans, works. Don’t expect bells and whistles from them if they have mixed feelings, but do tell them now, if you feel that this is the right thing for your family. In other words, if it will make them feel more accepting of their future step-mother because you looped them in before the proposal, then you can definitely tell them. The risk is that they’re uncomfortable or angry and/or that you misjudged their reactions, and they spill the beans to your girlfriend, their own mother and their future step-siblings. So temper your decision with that risk.

Ideally, the decision to re-marry is between you and your girlfriend, and the ideal way to handle this is to propose, celebrate with just the two of you in Paris, so you can enjoy this new union, and then, make sure your children are the first ones you tell when you get home — in person. You may get a positive or negative reaction from your daughter whether you tell her before the proposal or after it, and if you’re simply trying to hedge off her emotions by telling her before you go to Paris, you’re thinking short term, not big picture.

I hope that helps.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

aww babe, that’s tough. 💔 but listen, your daughter’s feelings matter, and your life still gets to move forward. she’s scared of losing her place, not of your happiness. tell her after the proposal, but make her feel like she’s part of the story, not a side character. remind her she’s your forever girl, the ring doesn’t change that. 💍✨

[Ethan Morales]

your children’s feelings are important, but your proposal is primarily about you and your girlfriend. Your 19-year-old may have strong reactions that’s normal but you cannot base such a life-changing decision on whether she approves. Teens, even older ones, often feel threatened by changes in the family and fear being left out, especially when it comes to remarriage.

Focus on the proposal as a private celebration. Enjoy Paris with your girlfriend, make it about your love, not about managing your daughter’s reaction.

Plan a thoughtful family conversation after the proposal. Once you’re home, tell both your children together, in person. Be honest, emphasize that they remain central in your life, and share the excitement rather than seeking approval.

Anticipate mixed emotions. Your daughter may be upset or resistant at first. That’s normal. Your goal isn’t to avoid all negative feelings, but to show consistency, love, and respect as you integrate your family over time.

Limit pre-proposal disclosure. Telling her beforehand risks her inadvertently spoiling the surprise or creating unnecessary stress for everyone and it’s not your responsibility to pre-manage her emotions.

Propose privately, celebrate your engagement, then communicate openly and sensitively with your children afterward. That way, you honor your relationship with your girlfriend while still being thoughtful about your children’s feelings.

[Marcus king]

That’s a really delicate spot to be in. You clearly love your daughter deeply, and it’s touching that you’re thinking so carefully about her feelings even while planning something as personal and joyful as a proposal. It’s understandable that she might feel uneasy about the idea of you remarrying especially since she’s still young and adjusting to the idea of sharing you emotionally. At the same time, you also deserve happiness and the chance to move forward in your life.

You might not need to tell her *before* the proposal itself, but what matters most is how you bring her into it afterward. Once you’re back from Paris, take a quiet moment to talk to her one-on-one before making any public announcement. Let her know that you understand her feelings, that she’ll always be your daughter, and that nothing about your engagement changes that bond. Sometimes what kids need most is reassurance that they won’t lose their place in your heart.

If you do decide to tell her beforehand, keep it gentle and brief something like, “I wanted to tell you before anyone else because you’re so important to me.” That helps her feel respected without putting her in a position to influence your decision.

Either way, you can protect both the surprise and her heart by focusing on connection and reassurance rather than her approval. She may not love the idea right away, but with time—and with you showing her that your love for her isn’t going anywhere—she’ll likely come around.

[PassionSeeker]

This is one of those moments where your heart’s being pulled in two directions between the woman you love and the daughter who’s always had a piece of you. i get it. you want to protect the surprise, but you also don’t want your daughter to feel like she’s the last to know.

here’s the thing: your proposal is about you and your girlfriend. it’s okay for that to be sacred and private. your daughter’s feelings matter, but they don’t get to steer this ship. what she’s really afraid of isn’t your engagement it’s losing her place in your life.

so, propose in paris. make that memory pure and about love. when you come home, tell your daughter first before anyone else hears. speak from the heart: remind her that she’ll always be your girl, that your love for her isn’t being divided, just expanded.

you’re not betraying her by choosing happiness. you’re showing her what it looks like to love bravely and that’s something she’ll remember.

[Tara]

You’re acting like this is some impossible ethical puzzle when the truth is painfully simple: you are the parent, not the employee taking emotional orders from your 19-year-old. Your daughter doesn’t get veto power over your future. She doesn’t get to freeze your life because she’s afraid of losing her spot on the pedestal. Her feelings deserve acknowledgment not control.

Let’s cut through the fog. If you tell her before the proposal, you hand her the steering wheel. She’ll panic, guilt-trip you, cry, spiral, maybe even threaten to blow it up online. And then what? You either let her derail your engagement or you override her which will “validate her fears” even more. Either way, you lose the surprise and the moment.

If you wait until after the proposal, yes, she’ll be emotional because she already told you she doesn’t want you to remarry. That reaction isn’t going to change whether you tell her a week before or a week after. What changes is the level of drama she can inject into the process.

You’ve been enabling her fear of being “replaced,” and now you’re letting that fear dictate your proposal strategy. Stop it. She’s 19, not 9. She’s old enough to handle that her father gets to build a life that isn’t centered around her anxieties.
Propose in Paris. Enjoy your moment. When you return, sit her down privately and tell her directly, calmly, and without negotiation. Let her have her feelings, but do not bend your life around them.

[Sally]

You want this moment in Paris to be pure, but you also don’t want your daughter to feel blindsided. That’s a hard line to walk.

Here’s the thing though… she’s 19. She’s still figuring herself out, still scared of losing her place in your life. That fear isn’t really about your girlfriend. It’s about growing up and watching things change.

If it were me, I’d keep it simple and gentle. I’d tell her you love your girlfriend, you’re planning to propose, and nothing about that takes her spot in your world. Not a long talk. Not a debate. Just honesty.

She might not love it, but hearing it from you first will probably mean more than you think. And it gives her time to settle before you come home with a ring.

Sometimes that’s all a kid really needs a heads up and a little reassurance.

[Serena Vale]

It sounds like you’re trying to protect everyone at the same time, and that’s a hard place to stand. You love your daughter deeply, and you don’t want her to feel replaced or pushed aside, that’s clear. But you also love your girlfriend and want this moment in Paris to be something just between the two of you, without stress hanging over it.

Your daughter’s fears make sense for a 19-year-old. She’s old enough to understand what a new marriage means, but still young enough to worry about losing her place in your life. That’s where the distance between you two probably comes from, not that she doesn’t care, but that she’s scared of what changes might mean.

But here’s the thing: telling her before the proposal doesn’t guarantee she’ll feel better. It may actually make her sit with her fears longer, and it risks the news spreading before you’re ready. And it’s okay to want this moment to be yours.

What does matter is how you talk to her afterward. If she hears it from you, in a calm moment, with you clearly telling her she isn’t being pushed aside… that will mean more than her being told early just to avoid reaction.

Something like, “You are still my priority. You’re not losing me, this is just the next chapter, not a new family without you.”

You’re not choosing between your daughter and your future. You’re choosing how to share something important in a way that feels safe and honest for everyone, including yourself.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how deeply you care for your daughter and how much you want to protect her feelings. You’re in a delicate spot: on one hand, you want to celebrate this life-changing moment with your girlfriend in Paris, and on the other, you’re worried about the impact on your daughter, who has made her feelings about your remarriage very clear in the past. It’s completely natural to want to shield her from potential hurt, especially because your bond has been so strong, but you also have to recognize that this is your life and your decision. The proposal is a milestone that is rightly between you and your partner, and sharing that moment with your children beforehand isn’t an obligation.

That said, you clearly value transparency and closeness with your kids. If you feel that letting them know ahead of time would help them feel included and soften the transition, it should be done carefully and together both children at once, so no one feels left out or blindsided. Keep the conversation grounded in love and reassurance: that your commitment to them hasn’t changed, and this new step in your life doesn’t diminish their place in it. Temper your expectations, your daughter may still feel upset or anxious, and that’s okay. It’s a normal reaction to big changes, especially during teenage years when emotions are heightened.

Ultimately, the healthiest approach may be to celebrate your proposal privately in Paris, as you planned, and then be fully present when sharing the news with your children. That way, the moment itself remains magical for you and your girlfriend, while still respecting your daughter and son’s feelings once you return. Your attentiveness, honesty, and reassurance after the fact will go a long way in helping your daughter process her emotions and begin to accept this new chapter. It’s a balancing act, but prioritizing your life’s joy while staying emotionally available to your kids is the best long-term strategy.

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