[Crazedfool]

Hey everyone. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I have to say though it’s a bit of a strange post as its not about a romantic or sexual relationship, but still involves a relationship so thougt might as well ask here.

Anyway my problem is that how can you tell the difference between a friend who is either having banter with you or is just plain bullying you? Also how can tell if I need to toughen up and stop being so sensitive or they are way out of line?

[Ask April Masini]

Your question is entirely appropriate for this forum. 😉

Fill me in a little. The nature of the banter is kind of important in deciding whether it’s bullying or something else. What, exactly, was said that you’re concerned about? And what was the context, as well as as the relationship between you and the person with whom the banter took place?

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Crazedfool]

Thought it was for dating, sex advice see not just friendship.

Anyway I posted in here a few years back regarding me being a bit old not to have slept or done anything sexual with a woman and it’s sort of to do with that. Basically everytime there’s an outing I get a message if I want to come and when I go we always talk about work, life in general, sports, etc and we have a laugh. However when the subject of women came up I am the key/only part as it ends up being about me. Basically they either show like a disappointed look or make fun saying I al this or that and saying what a person my age does, etc. Now I don’t know if it’s banter or just making fun. When they first found out last year. I was having pep talks off them and I said I take what you say on board, but I can’t help what I feel and I don’t like these sort of chats for various reasons. I have told a couple of people this. Now those chats have stopped and I keep getting this now instead. Bare in mind that I didn’t say any of this (my lack of experience with women) to them. My best mate told them and then I got asked outright the next time I saw them. I know what I want/need in terms of finding a woman, but that isn’t my issue here. The issue is I don’t know of its banter and I need to toughen up or aren’t they mates at all.

Sticking with friendships. Apart from putting yor child first and your responsibilties changing. I was wondering is it possible to change your personality because of becoming a parent?

[Ask April Masini]

It’s always helpful if you keep the same user name because I can see all your posts in one place. 😉 But since you haven’t, I’ll just take what you’ve written at face value.

It sounds like your friends invite you to go out, you accept their invitations, and then they disapprove and/or try to advise you on what they feel are social norms are for men your age. It sounds like this has to do with what they perceive as your inexperience with women, and your wanting to do things your own way, and in your own time. Did I get that right?

I’m just not hearing anything from you that sounds like they’re bullying you. Maybe (and I’m sorry for asking again) you can tell me exactly what you think it is that they’re saying, that is bullying, if you think I’m not getting it. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you don’t like what they have to say about your social life and how you conduct it, but I’m not hearing anything that sounds like they’re degrading you or trying to make you feel like you’re unworthy as a person.

The definition of bullying has a lot to do with the dynamic between the people doing the bullying and the person feeling bullied, and if you feel that you are dejected and victimized by what they’re saying, then that might be cause for you to back off and find some new friends. But it sounds like you’re setting boundaries and they’re trying to adhere to them, but falling somewhat short. The fact that you are able to set boundaries, and you’re getting some success with that, is encouraging — but, again, it’s hard to tell from what you’re writing here, and because I don’t know your history beyond what you’ve written in these two posts, what the issues are about, but I’m not hearing you saying that you’re devastated, demoralized or depressed by their talk.

As for your second question about changing your personality because you’ve become a parent, it is possible to change your behavior when you become a parent and start valuing different things, and devaluing others, because your priorities have shifted.

Hope that helps!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Crazedfool]

Well you can say it’s like that. However they come out with nicknames when talking about it and when there’s a debate about anything happening. If they feel they are losing the debate as in they are being outsmarted.. They throw that in my face. Then I just shut up and feel devalued and my confidence just goes and I feel genuinely angry/upset. Plus I get the odd dig when with them like I have the word “dull” as a constant nickname by everyone and whenever I say something positive about myself. Some (not all of them) say I wouldn’t trust you to do that. You should stick to this. I’m thinking I want to better myself and you’re saying don’t bother as you don’t have it in you. After hearing both of these things for like 10 minutes I feel terrible about myself and it takes me a while to get those thoughts out of my head.

The reason I asked is because it feels like he’s gone from a decent enough bloke who won’t say “boo” to a goose. Into a bloke whose always changing their mood and gone really really arrogant. Again this normally is shown when we are all together and not when we are talking one on one.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]However they come out with nicknames when talking about it and when there’s a debate about anything happening. If they feel they are losing the debate as in they are being outsmarted.. They throw that in my face.[/quote]

What are the nicknames they are calling you? It will help me help you if you tell me the specifics. 😉 If your friends feel that they are being outsmarted, and you know that that’s why they start calling you nicknames, you can realize that you have outsmarted them and you can try to understand that when some people can’t win in one arena, they switch to another one. It sounds like you know that that’s what they’re doing. They don’t start out calling you nicknames — they resort to them. There’s a big difference. The nicknames are their defense mechanisms for having lost a debate. 😉 Is it possible you can feel some empathy for their unhappiness at having been outsmarted, and having to resort to nicknames as a method of acting out?

[quote]Then I just shut up and feel devalued and my confidence just goes and I feel genuinely angry/upset. [/quote]

I’m not sure how you go from having won a debate to feeling devalued. 😕 What happens to you that you lose the sense of the win so quickly? What are these nicknames that seem to be the sole reason you begin to feel devalued and unconfident and angry?

[quote]Plus I get the odd dig when with them like I have the word “dull” as a constant nickname by everyone and whenever I say something positive about myself.[/quote]

If your friends are calling you dull, and you don’t say anything about it, they may be thinking it’s not a big deal to do so, and your silence is being assumed to be compliance. Also, if they’re using the dig, “dull” whenever you say something positive about yourself, you probably already know that it’s a reaction to what you’re saying. Check in with yourself about what you’re saying, specifically, that is eliciting this reaction from them — if you can give me a specific situation with the specifics of what you said, I can help you further.

[quote] Some (not all of them) say I wouldn’t trust you to do that. You should stick to this. I’m thinking I want to better myself and you’re saying don’t bother as you don’t have it in you. After hearing both of these things for like 10 minutes I feel terrible about myself and it takes me a while to get those thoughts out of my head. [/quote]

It really depends on how they’re saying this and in what circumstances. Sometimes people will tell you you should stick to what you’re good at, rather than trying something new because you asked their opinion and they’re giving it, or because they think they want to help you. They don’t intend to hurt you, just help you. Is it possible that this is constructive criticism? Or, is it advice that you don’t like, and you’re perceiving it as a personal attack that it isn’t intended to be? The fact that these things make you feel terrible about yourself means that they’ve hit a nerve. Maybe there’s some truth to the criticism that you’re feeling badly about? Or maybe you’ve just got so much built up resentment to these guys that anything they say that has a shred of criticism, immediately triggers your entire recent history with them that you’re angry and disappointed about?

[quote]The reason I asked is because it feels like he’s gone from a decent enough bloke who won’t say “boo” to a goose. Into a bloke whose always changing their mood and gone really really arrogant. Again this normally is shown when we are all together and not when we are talking one on one.[/quote]

I’m not sure who “he” is that you’re referring to. But it does sound like you’re talking about a group dynamic being the issue here — not a one on one situation.

The bigger question is, if these guys make you feel badly about yourself, why do you continue to accept their invitations to get together? Why not find new friends, or simply hang out with those who are supportive and make you feel good about yourself? That would give you the opportunity to see if this was really a group of friends you’ve outgrown, or if you have the same reactions to new friends, too. 😉

I guess that the bottom line is that based on what you’ve written — I’m still not hearing bullying behavior — but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there, it may just mean that I don’t have enough details to go on.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Crazedfool]

Calling me Virgin boy, various words for wimp and even come out with stuff like I am going to be one of these 45 year old virgins who still live with their parents. I am no longer a Virgin as I met someone for some fun as a one off. This sort of behaviour brought me to do this and I am not entirely happy with myself for meeting a randomer for it. However it has got me to worry a bit less when I do it with someone I care about and/or love. I tried saying “it’s all lies as I have met someone. Just because you don’t see it and I don’t mention it. Doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened. Didn’t really believe me and they saw I was upset as they started to say calm down as according to them I was being aggressive when defending myself. Just by using my voice.

I feel devalued, upset, etc as its been nearly 28 years, including 10 years of knowing them and no one has ever stood up for me and backed me up in any situation. They have either let me fight my battles alone by just sitting there in the corner while I get this abuse or they join in and then when any of us are alone and there’s only 2 of us. They shut up and we chat normally. I feel devalued also because they keep hitting a nerve as yes in a dream world I want to be with someone and I get the odd day where I feel bad as I don’t meet anyone. But in general I feel fine and am more focused on other things in my life at the moment.

Well in general I was basising this on a few people as a group and seeing whether it’s me who needs to toughen up or they need to be quiet more often? The last bit was just a separate question as that’s been bugging me too, but not as much. I agree with what your saying about meet new people and this is why I am going to give them one more chance. Then drop hints that they should be careful of what they say and to who. Not in a nasty way, but in a way so they know what they might lose if they carry on.

[Crazedfool]

Oh when people say they. They don’t mean stick to what your good at as they know I hate my current job and I went through a phase of getting regular interviews and I had no good lucks or good will wishes. Just them actig stunned hat I got the interview and how they would either avoid the new place of my workplace or take advantage if I got the job.

[Ask April Masini]

There’s something about their unpleasant behavior that you keep going back to for more, and you need to ask yourself why. 😯 After all of this, over the course of years, you’re still giving them more chances, you have to look in the mirror and take responsibility for you being the person who puts yourself in situations where you feel devalued and angry. And if you, as an adult, decide to have sex with someone, it’s not fair for you to blame others or their behavior. It sounds like you want to blame someone other than yourself. 😕 It’s time for you to take charge of your own life and behave in ways that are healthy for you. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Crazedfool]

[quote=”April Masini”]There’s something about their unpleasant behavior that you keep going back to for more, and you need to ask yourself why. 😯 After all of this, over the course of years, you’re still giving them more chances, you have to look in the mirror and take responsibility for you being the person who puts yourself in situations where you feel devalued and angry. And if you, as an adult, decide to have sex with someone, it’s not fair for you to blame others or their behavior. It sounds like you want to blame someone other than yourself. 😕 It’s time for you to take charge of your own life and behave in ways that are healthy for you. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b][/quote]

It’s like say there’s 3 of us. The unpleasantries are there, when there’s 2 everything is good. Even though it’s the same set of people and it doesn’t matter what Person I am with. It goes sour when the group gets bigger. I just caved into peer pressure. Stupid I know and won’t be doing that again. Which is why I am going to the next event and dropping massive hints that you can’t relay on me being there all the time as I normally am. Then I will stop going as I do have a plan for my life and now this has made me think it’s worth doing and not holding back.

[Ask April Masini]

Good luck to you!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Crazedfool]

You posting as you do here has made me think too. (Without stepping on your toes unless you wanted help on here). I want to become a person who helps people through these sort of problems, yet get paid for it. Better to if it is online as my plan was to go abroad and if I did this sort of thig online there wouldn’t be a language barrier.

[Ask April Masini]

That’s great!! 😀

[Crazedfool]

The point is do I need more experience with life/women in order to give oht advice or is it easier to give it out and not necessarily do?

Secondly. Are you taking on staff? Lol 😆

[Ask April Masini]

It’s always a great idea to apply for jobs in fields you would like to work in!

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter[i] @AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Author]

Posts