[jchapman]

I (26 male) am close friends with a girl (also 26) at my gym and our relationship has always been just friendship. We only met about a year ago, but became close fast.

The other night, we were texting and she says, “Remember when you were leaving the gym two weeks ago and we were talking in the parking lot? I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn’t. I can never cross that line with you. Our relationship wouldn’t be the same and I like how it is now.” When I asked her why she was telling me this if she feels she can’t act on it, she said she wanted to be honest with me.

These texts have me confused. There was always a little bit of attraction between us; I’m sure that’s what she meant by the “energy is there.” But we never acted on it because I had a girlfriend up until two weeks ago. For the record, my girlfriend at the time knew of this girl and was comfortable with me working out with her. We never crossed the line while we were together.

Back to the texts. She texted me these messages the night I told her I had broken up with my girlfriend. I had told her about it at the gym earlier that evening. Is this her way of telling me that I am in the friend zone and now that I’m single, she doesn’t want me to make a move? If this is the classic “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” statement, then why preface it with “I wanted to kiss you, but I couldn’t.” Why even tell me this when I hadn’t tried to make a move on her in the first place? Alternatively, could this be something she’s saying just for attention?

[Ask April Masini]

It may not be politically correct to say so, but the truth is that men and women can’t be friends because one always likes the other one more, and in a not very friendly way — like when your “friend” talks about wanting to kiss you. That’s not something you say to a friend. It’s something you say to a person you’re attracted to. 😉 Once you get over the fact that the premise of your problem is flawed — you’re not getting texts from a friend, you’re getting texts from a woman who’s attracted to you (right after you broke up with your girlfriend, no less!) — you’ll be able to see your confusion stems from this flawed premise. She’s interested in you, and she brought up her wanting to kiss you to float the idea by you, now that you’re single. 😉 If you want to date her, then you should. If you don’t, then carry on, but know she’s not a “friend”. She’s a woman who finds you attractive. 🙂

[jchapman]

Hi April. That’s initially what I felt about her texts, but she’s very hot and cold.

We did end up going on a date this past weekend. The date went really well. Lots of physical contact and she was even putting her hands under my shirt for a while. After the date, she was texting me with lots of hearts and emojis as she always does and she says “<3 u.” She also says “You should’ve grabbed my butt when you were giving me a hug goodbye. With both hands.” Now obviously these are all good signs and anyone reading this would be thinking how stupid I am for still being confused.

The following day though, she texts me to check in on me. I had to go out of town the day after our date and she asks if my flight had landed. We keep texting and I say “I love talking to you. And being close to you. I had an amazing night last night. I’ll be busy while I’m here, but I want you to know that I’m thinking of you.” Her response to this was just “You’re so sweet.” Doesn’t that seem like such a lacking response to my text? Am I being unreasonable for expecting something more than that? She seems so hot and cold when it comes to our interactions that it has me lost on how she truly feels.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]Doesn’t that seem like such a lacking response to my text? [/quote]

I don’t think so. I thought it was a reasonable and very nice and positive response.

[quote]Am I being unreasonable for expecting something more than that?[/quote]

Possibly. Why look for problems? Things are going well. Take that direction and go with it. Don’t pick at little things and look for problems. 😉

[jchapman]

Thanks, April. Appreciate your advice.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome.

[Sally]

She does feel something for you. That part was real. People don’t casually say I wanted to kiss you if there’s nothing there. But she’s also scared of what acting on it would change. So she told you the feeling, then immediately put a fence around it.

The timing matters too. She sent that after you told her you were newly single. That feels less like attention-seeking and more like her trying to get ahead of the situation. Almost like she was saying, I need you to know this exists, but please don’t act on it.

So no, I don’t think she was trying to friend-zone you in a cruel way. And I don’t think she was inviting you to make a move either. It sounds like emotional honesty mixed with fear.
Right now, the safest move is to let things settle. Don’t rush to define it. If she wants more, she’ll eventually make that clearer. And if she doesn’t, at least you know where the line is without crossing it.

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