[Validus]

Hi, I would like to get some input for my situation with a guy I met on Tinder two months ago. We are both early twenties and since meeting up discovered we have many things in common and our characters match well.
After a couple of weeks we decided to be exclusive and both deleted the Tinder app. This is a massive step forward to him as he has never had a serious relationship and always had multiple friends with benefits for his entire life.
As I can sometimes take longer to warm up to a guy he has had a couple of insecurities where he felt I wasn’t as invested in him as he was in me. But I have addressed these and I felt like evenrthing was going amazingly, he agreed this and has even said those three words to me for a few weeks (although I’m not there yet). All until recently- he was at my place and saw a book which my ex made me containing photos of us kissing and also snapshots of our tinder accounts. I asked him not to look but he said it was fine.
The next day I was due to fly on holiday for a week and stopped by his place to say bye. Whilst there his phone accidentally slide to the recently used tab and there was Tinder!! He had downloaded it that morning. He sunddenly started getting upset and saying he felt insecure and he got it that morning because he likes the thrill of matching but had no intention to meet with any of the girls. So my question is, what is your take on it? Is he unhappy in the relationship or is he a cheater personality? Seems coincidental he downloaded it the day I fly out of town.

[Ask April Masini]

The first three months of dating someone should be used to decide if you want to continue seeing them or not. You should assume they’re playing the field, as they should with you, as well. The reason is that it when you jump the gun in a relationship and commit before getting to know someone, you will find yourself in drama-mode, down the line. And that’s where your are. It’s way too soon for the two of you to be committed, and the proof is in your behaviors. He learned about your photo album with your ex. You learned about his reaction. You also learned that this scared him enough for him to go back on Tinder — that’s a lot of learning about each other!! And that’s why the first three months of dating should simply be about deciding whether or not to continue dating each other. People are complicated, they have baggage, and you can’t get to know them well without time passing. In fact, I also suggest that if you do want to continue dating each other at the three month mark, then use the second three months of dating to decide to if you want to be monogamous or not. So, since you’re still in the three month time frame…. don’t freak out. Learn that you both jumped the gun, and corrections were made. And decide if you want to continue seeing him or not. 😉

[Sally]

Deleting Tinder and then quietly re-downloading it is a big deal, especially after agreeing to be exclusive. Saying he just likes the thrill is basically saying he still wants outside validation when he feels insecure. That doesn’t automatically make him a cheater, but it does mean he’s not fully comfortable choosing one person yet.
The timing matters. Doing it the morning you leave town isn’t random. And blaming his insecurity instead of owning the choice is shaky.

I don’t think this means he doesn’t like you. I think it means he’s used to keeping options open and panics when he feels vulnerable.
What matters now is what he does next. If Tinder stays gone and he actually works on his insecurity, maybe there’s something here. If not, this pattern will keep popping up. Trust that uneasy feeling it’s there for a reason.

[Tara]

He didn’t “accidentally” download Tinder, and this wasn’t about insecurity or nostalgia or harmless thrills. He made a deliberate choice to reinstall a hookup app the morning you left town, right after being confronted with evidence that you had a romantic past. That’s not coincidence that’s reaction. He felt threatened, compared himself to your ex, and instead of regulating his emotions like an adult, he reached for validation from strangers. That tells you everything you need to know.

This isn’t about whether he’s “unhappy” it’s about character and impulse control. A man who agrees to exclusivity, deletes Tinder, says he loves you, and then quietly reinstalls the app for an ego hit the second he feels insecure is not emotionally safe. “I like the thrill of matching” is not an explanation, it’s a confession. Matching is the first step toward cheating, and pretending otherwise is naïve. You don’t go browsing menus when you’re satisfied with your meal.

The timing matters. The secrecy matters. The excuse matters. And his history of avoiding commitment matters most. This is someone who has never learned how to self-soothe without external attention, and now you’re seeing that pattern surface the moment things feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean he’s already cheating it means he’s capable of justifying it when it suits him.

[Author]

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