[theleo]

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for only two months. I ended up with her only 2 months after ending a 5 year relationship with my ex (too soon???). Me and my ex girl broke up main because I was insecure and didnt trust her. She would say one thing and do the other thats why she’s my ex. Now it seems as if history is repeating itself. I am very committed to this relationship. Me and my ex were working on being friends but it wasnt going too well. So my current girlfriend asked if I just stop talking to her all together and I agreed. Recently while my girlfriend wasnt around I went through her phone and I found that she had been talking to HER ex (I caught my ex doing the same). Once I found this evidence I left her apt without an explaination. I know I was wrong for going through her phone, but isnt sh e wrong for talking to her ex low key? I had started to fall in love with this girl (again too soon???). Now im hurt because Im afraid that Ive come into the same situation. Should I admitt going through her phone? or should I just leave it alone and see what happens?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you’re jumping the gun in this relationship. If you’re dating for two months, you’re not ready to commit. Instead, you should be waiting to figure out if you’re both compatible before you make a commitment. You’re doing things backwards and amping up the drama by committing before you really get to know someone. This is especially true since you just ended a five year relationship. You should want to be more careful this time in choosing someone you’re comfortable with.

Second, you went through her telephone because you didn’t do the work described above. If you date her with an open mind — in fact date other women, too at the same time because you’re still deciding who you want to be with — then you’ll learn more about her before committing, and if you learn about her first, and THEN commit based on your knowledge, you won’t feel the need to do reconnaissance work to find out if she’s cheating on you!

Third, don’t try to be friends with your ex. It’s too soon and it’s going to be an obstacle for any other woman who comes along and may be Ms. Right. No one will want to date you if you’re still trying to be friendly with your five year ex of only two months.

My advice in the end is to not be so committed to this woman and open yourself up to dating other women, too, to find Ms. Right. You don’t know this woman well enough to commit like this. You’ve already gone through her phone and whether you tell her or not, you’ve discovered she’s talking to her ex while she doesn’t want you to. I don’t think she sounds like the right one for you now. Let go and open up to the possibility that someone great is out there. But do the work!

I hope that helps, and that you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[katdawg]

in my opinion you are too insecure to love. that isn’t a very healthy state of being to bring into a relationship. you should do things to help your insecurities and work on them so that you won’t be. knowing that you are not secure in yourself it isn’t really fair to the other person. a relationship is only as healthy as the least healthy person. even if you found a very confident woman she will always be brought down to tend to your insecurities. that does not make for a very happy love filled life together. i would consider dating yourself for a while until you become more secure and confident. to me an insecure person is wishy washy and doesn’t know what they want because they are so unsure of themselves. how can that type of person know what they want in a partner if they don’t even know or secure in themselves?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]katdawg[/b] brought up some interesting issues. The insecurity that you mentioned in your post kind of gets lost. You said that you are insecure and didn’t trust your ex — but you dated her for [i]five years.[/i] It’s a little hard to believe that after five long years, the reason for the break up was that she did one thing and said another — wasn’t that going on in year one? Year two? Year three? Or did something suddenly happen that caused her to start saying one thing and doing another? And if she really was saying one thing and doing another, then you weren’t being insecure — more likely, you just didn’t like the inconsistency. I’m not sure what about yourself makes you think you’re insecure, but if you are, it’s going to be very hard to attract someone. Confidence is one of the biggest attractions a man can have for a woman. So [b]katdawg[/b]‘s suggestion that you work on that first is one you should consider. It’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is insecure because they’re never very honest — they always say and do what they think other people want to see and hear and it’s hard to get to know the real them.

I hope that helps! 😀

[theleo]

I’ve never caught my ex cheating physically but FB, Myspace, txt msgs unexceptable convos….multiple times. What made me realize that I maybe super insecure is when I created a fake FB page and sent different msgs to my {now} ex to see how she responds…she failed that test. Im a little tempted to do the same with my current relationship, but im not as bothered to do so as before because I feel I have grown a little. I think im more at an acceptance just the thought she might be cheating is always in the back of my head…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure that what you describe as your FB tests are signs of insecurity or else just distrust of your partner, and frankly, if you distrust your partner enough to “test” them by making up a phony Facebook account to flirt with them online, you’re already in the wrong relationship.

Why not try and choose someone who has integrity and character so you don’t have to feel like you’re being betrayed, cheated on or lied to? The minute you start “testing” your girlfriend, you should know it’s time to leave.

[Ethan Morales]

It’s understandable that you feel hurt and suspicious, given your past experiences with your ex. But this is a new relationship, and committing heavily just two months in especially right after a long-term breakup sets you up for insecurity and overreactions. You’re still in the “getting to know each other” phase, and expecting full loyalty and transparency that early can create unnecessary pressure.

Going through her phone was a breach of trust. While your concerns aren’t invalid, spying is a reaction born of anxiety rather than rational evaluation of the relationship. It’s a signal that your insecurities from your previous relationship are spilling over into this one, and addressing those internally first will help you approach any relationship more healthily.

Her talking to her ex is something to consider, but context matters. Casual communication isn’t automatically betrayal. In a healthy early relationship, boundaries and expectations around exes should be clarified through conversation, not surveillance. If her messages make you uncomfortable, that’s a topic to discuss openly not punish through secretive action.

Your focus should be on patience and observation rather than premature commitment. Two months is not enough to fall in love deeply or to fully assess compatibility. Instead of deciding whether to confess about the phone, take a step back: reflect on your trust issues, clarify your boundaries, and see how the relationship develops naturally. If you continue to feel uneasy or discover behaviors that truly violate your values, then it’s valid to reconsider the relationship. Right now, the priority is to stabilize your emotions and approach the relationship with measured expectations.

[Tara]

You want the truth? You’re the common denominator in all this chaos, and you keep pretending it’s bad luck instead of your own lack of emotional discipline. You jumped into a new relationship before you even scraped the residue of the old one off your psyche, and now you’re shocked you’re insecure, snooping, and spiraling.

You went through her phone because you still operate like a man waiting to be betrayed, and she talked to her ex because she clearly isn’t all-in either. Congratulations, you’ve built a relationship on fear, not trust. And no, you don’t “leave it alone.” That’s what cowards do when they want to avoid owning their mistakes.

You confess you invaded her privacy, hear her explanation, and then accept that the two of you are a mess of unresolved issues, pretending you’re ready for love. You’re not. Fix yourself first, or you’re just going to keep repeating this same disaster with a different face every time.

[Tara]

It’s your own unfinished baggage running the show. You jumped from a five-year relationship straight into another one without fixing a damn thing about yourself, and now you’re shocked that your insecurity is driving you to snoop like a teenager.

Yes, she’s wrong for talking to her ex behind your back, but you don’t get to sit on a moral high horse when you’re rifling through her phone because you don’t trust anyone, including yourself.

You’re not in love, you’re trauma-bonding with the first woman who gave you attention after your breakup. And no, you don’t “see what happens.” That’s code for “I’m too scared to take responsibility.” You either admit what you did and face the fallout like an adult, or you walk away and finally deal with your insecurity before you drag it into another relationship. Right now, you’re not ready for love, you’re barely ready for honesty.

[Sally]

It messes with your head when you’re trying to be all-in and you catch something that feels way too familiar. And honestly, the sneaking around doesn’t feel great on either side you checking her phone, her talking to her ex. It usually means the trust never really had time to settle.

I don’t think you’re “too insecure to love.” I think you jumped from one heartbreak into another before your feet were steady. I’ve done that, and everything felt louder than it should’ve.

If you want this to work, you’ve got to tell her what you saw and how it hit you. Not to fight just to breathe some truth into the mess. And if that feels too heavy already… that’s its own answer.

You don’t have to rush it. Just be honest, even if it’s uncomfortable.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re feeling hurt and anxious, it’s easy to spiral when past relationship patterns resurface so quickly. The fact that you just came out of a five-year relationship and jumped into something new only two months later is significant. You’re still processing the dynamics of trust, attachment, and insecurity from your previous relationship, and that makes it much harder to approach this new relationship with clarity. It’s understandable that your instincts went on high alert, but the choice to go through her phone shows that your anxiety is taking control rather than reasoned trust.

It’s also important to notice that this new relationship is still in its very early stages. Two months isn’t enough time to truly understand someone’s patterns, intentions, or compatibility. Your girlfriend talking to her ex doesn’t automatically mean she’s being unfaithful or trying to repeat your ex’s behavior, but it’s a red flag for your comfort and boundaries. At this point, it’s less about proving right or wrong and more about whether the trust and communication in this relationship can develop healthily and whether you’re emotionally ready to invest yourself without bringing unresolved baggage from your previous relationship.

The safest and healthiest approach now is to slow things down. Be honest with yourself about your readiness to commit and whether your fears are coloring your perception. Admitting to going through her phone could open an important dialogue about boundaries and expectations, but it could also escalate tension if you’re not calm and measured. Either way, the bigger issue is recognizing that committing too quickly, carrying over insecurities, and expecting total exclusivity at this stage can set you both up for frustration. Taking a step back, giving yourself space to date with clarity, and letting trust build gradually is the most constructive path forward.

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