[Arenalia]

Dear April,

I have known “my guy” for over 10 years. We tried to date in highschool, but it just never worked out. We both ended up engaged during undergrad, but my fiance broke it off, and “my guy” eventually confessed to me one night (while still engaged to superbitch) that he loved me. I said “I love you” back and he broke down and said that he thought I wouldn’t say that. He told me that he just wanted to clear our relationship up before he got married. Needless to say, I cut things off, and said goodbye forever. 6 months later, he calls me up saying that he broke up with his fiance and wanted to be friends again. After a little pressing, he admitted that his goal in contacting me was that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. (side note – he called me 2 weeks after he broke things off with his fiance). A couple of months later, we started dating.

The first few months were fantastic! For each of us, it was the best relationship we’d ever been in (both of us being 24, and dating a moderate number of individuals). However, when I returned to school about 5 months after we started dating, things started to deteriorate. I am a 3rd year lawstudent, and my life is a living hell. I have always been an easygoing person, but somewhere in the middle of lawschool I began to develop an anxiety disorder. Having dealt with that, I knew things would be difficult. Communication with him began to be very stressful. He graduated with his Master’s in Engineering the same time I went back to school for my last year. I was in the middle of my busiest semester yet, and he was unemployed, with nothing to fill his time but apply for jobs. He began to become increasingly frustrated by my lack of interest in talking for 3 hours a day. I simply couldn’t talk that much, and when we did talk, all he did was complain about how I never talked to him, and when I did talk to him, I didn’t have a lot of time. This was true, I know my bad attitude came through in many of those conversations.

I returned home for Thanksgiving break and things got much worse. He demanded any and all of my free time and was angry when I spent time with my family over time with him. I literally spent half of my time with him and the other half of my time with my 4 siblings and my parents. But we fought because he thought I didn’t give him enough of my time. Additionally, we had our first big fight. It was over something stupid, but it was the first time we had a fight face-to-face. It concerned me because he had a very large emotional outburst which frightened me just a bit. I walked away and when he came back apologetic, I told him that his behavior was unacceptable. He nodded and we dropped the matter. I returned to school and we were fine until the first day of my two weeks of finals. I had told him that I couldn’t talk for a couple of days and he did not respond well. I needed that time to study and reduce my stress so I could perform well on my exam days. (a typical law school exam is 3-4 hours and is worth our ENTIRE grade for the semester, there are no quizzes and midterms, only one cumulative final exam). Despite the fact that he knew what I had to do and the stress that it carried he pushed even further. One night, I decided to go out for drinks with some of my friends. I need to get out of my apartment and the library and comiserate with some of my fellow law students. “My guy” blew up calling and texting my nonstop. I finally answered one of his calls and angrily told him to leave me alone. In restrospect that was not the right thing to do, but I did not expect his response. He texted me about 50 times telling me how worthless and stupid I was, about a half dozen only said “F**k you!” He attacked me where I was my weakest, saying I was just like my mother, and that I would die alone and unloved. About an hour after sending those messages he sent me another slew of messages telling me how sorry he was, and that he didn’t know what he was doing, and that he just wanted to hear my voice. We were able to reconcile this fight, but only after 3 days of talking, and as a result I bombed one of my exams. (I made a C- in a class I should have had an A+ in)

I finally returned home for Christmas break. Things were fine, only a few minor fights which I wasn’t worried about, until the last day of my break. I had been working on my Bar application online and the software on the website was not working on any of the computers in my house. I have allotted 30 minutes to work on this and ended up spending about an hour and a half without realizing it. I had to call “my guy” to tell him that I would be late, and that he should come pick me up an hour later than we had planned. He responded that he couldn’t believe I had put off our plans, and that I did this all the time. (granted, it’s not easy to get out of my house easily when you have 6 family members who are collected in the breakfast room every morning, you can’t just breeze by without saying hello. My family is very involved and my grown siblings and I are very close. During the holidays is the only time when we are all under the same roof for a number of days.) While his words had a grain of truth to them, my frustration with my bar application combined with his words pushed me over the edge. I was not happy when he came to pick me up.

When we got to his house, we sat down to talk things through. I tried very hard to not say the biting words I had in my head. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it until he blew up. He started screaming and pacing through the living room and kitchen, he punched the kitchen wall while he was screaming. I couldn’t do anything but sit. He was between me and the door. I sat there frozen until he left the house. As soon as he left I gathered my things and called a friend to come pick me up. I stood silently in the driveway as he said random things to me. He finally took off in his car, leaving me alone.

We have have many conversations since then. I broke up with him that day. I told him that his behavior, no matter the circumstances was unacceptable. It’s not wrong to be angry, but that kind of expression is. I was afraid of him hurting me or himself. I refuse to be in a relationship where that is a possibility.

Since then I have entered counseling to help me manage my anger and my expression through my words. I have a lot of fault and blame in regards to the fighting, while my responses are not physical, my words can do a lot of damage and I am trying to learn how to control them. He so far has told me that he has changed, that he is not that kind of person again. I don’t know what to believe. He has gotten some help, but I know this kind of change only comes over time and not in one life changing moment. At least, that’s what I believe.

At this point, should I tell him that I will give him a second chance to prove himself? I can’t possibly date him until after I start working a job in the same city he is in. That is the earliest time I would ever date him again. Should I tell him that? If I do tell him that I will wait, will his change be genuine, or just to get the relationship back. Right now things are good between us as friends. We have both apologized and have a good friendship so long as we don’t talk about our relationship. But I know being friends with me is killing him. I see how pained he is just from his voice, and from some of the things he says. He can’t even be on video chat without bursting into tears. I want to give him a second chance, a chance to show me that he has changed. I want him to learn how to control his actions, I know it’s possible. My question is, how much should I tell him? What should I do?

Sincerely,

Arenalia
Torn and Confused

[Ask April Masini]

This guy creates drama to get out of commitments. While engaged to his fiance, he called you up to tell you he loved you. What was THAT? 😯 When you remove any judgment and just think about it, he didn’t approach his fiance and tell her he was in love with someone else. He went behind her back and approached you…. and then went back to her. It’s not fair to blame her — and it is fair to question his behavior. 😕

Then, six months later, he breaks up with her and pursues you, but when you’re a third year law student, he sabotages your law school career. Every adult knows that law school is grueling, and it doesn’t sound like he wanted you to do well. He was more concerned with his own feelings than yours or the relationship.

He created drama again with your family — drama that someone who put the relationship ahead of himself, wouldn’t have needed. 😳

My advice is that you take a long hard look at why you want to embrace someone who is so disruptive. Your anger at him is misplaced — you’re angry at yourself for allowing your life to be disrupted. But you hold the key to your own life. 😉 It’s time for you to find someone else who is mature and caring and who doesn’t just love you, but behaves like a man who you can have a healthy relationship with. This guy isn’t that. Sorry.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Lune David]

April… this whole story had more plot twists than a law-school soap opera.
A man who confesses his love while engaged, then sabotages finals, punches walls, blocks doorways, and emotionally detonates like it’s his side job — and he still thinks he’s relationship material?

This guy doesn’t ‘create drama’… he BUILDS it, decorates it, and charges admission.
And the worst part? He only acts right when he’s scared you’ll leave — not because he’s actually changed.

Honestly, I’m confused how this man made it through engineering school when he can’t even manage basic emotional wiring.

April, here’s my question:
Is there EVER a situation where giving a man like this a “second chance” is smart, or is it basically signing up for Season 2 of emotional chaos?”

Because from where I’m sitting, giving him another shot feels less like romance… and more like volunteering as tribute

[Ask April Masini]

It’s interesting you asked that.

Because, to be sincere, this isn’t a “second chance.

The second chance was when she forgave him after he tore her down, attacked her insecurities, called her worthless, and rattled her so hard she bombed an exam she absolutely could’ve aced.

So, the correct term here is Third Chance, and that’s being generous, because we’re not even counting all the mess she didn’t bother listing.

I mean, within a month, this man managed to ruin her Thanksgiving and her Christmas

So yes, giving this man-child a third chance is basically her signing up for season 3 of Torn and Confused.

[Author]

Posts