[CodenameD]

Hi

I’m a 20 year old guy soon to be 21, in a tensed up relationship situation. Before I start my story I must tell you that I had visited your site earlier a long time ago with an online-relationship problem which was clearly unrepairable and you told me to expect it that way. I don’t remember if I was in a state to thank you properly back then but I do so now. I appreciate your efforts to make me see the bigger picture in the last relationship, which we (the ones [i]inside[/i] the relationship) fail to see most of the time. It went just as you said it would (impossible to continue with) and I’m honestly impressed with your accurate predicting ability. Thank you so much for helping a guy like me back then.

That said I believe I may need some advice of yours once again since I can barely sleep at night or eat well. Before you take a deep breath to read through the long story let me tell you a little about myself so you know which kind of guy you have here (if it helps you in counseling).

I’m practically a shy guy in real life. I have many guy friends but I can possibly never ask a girl out. I’ve never felt that I need to do that badly. Earlier this year I met this girl in college who asked me out. I said yes, giving myself the first romantic relationship ever in real life (my past one was online). I’m not a strong tough guy but yeah I try to be, for her. My life changed after I got her: I now have a job after so many months and I’m going for higher studies to improve my professional life (I hardly bothered with all those before I met her) so that I can bring a happier future for both of us together. Love in real life seems to be a lot better and different than that of online so it felt great all the while and it still does. She lives far: around an hour away from me, in a different town. She is 6 months older than I am and we are both okay with that. The place where I come from usually frown upon stuffs like this so her family doesn’t even expect me to end up with her but she said she will handle her family once I get a much more decent job. [b]So all was going well and we’ve been together for over 7 months already.[/b]

One thing you should know that [b]she is an emo[/b]. Although she is quite cheerful and cute at times, [b]she tends to react deeply to memories or ‘scars’ of her past.[/b] Those ‘scars’ as she claimed to be up until now, was that everyone she trusted left her and she feared I might too. I told her that I would never. I love her way too much, like I have an obsession over her.

All went well until recently she said she was in a real deep pinch. She said her family wouldn’t let her phone anyone and leave house that much anymore. When I ask her she would refuse and disconnect the line. We usually did not get to meet other than Sundays but now we hardly meet ever. We hardly ever talk: just barely once a day. It drove me nuts. I’m got worried, anxious because she kept me in the dark. I couldn’t sleep or eat well either. She appeared to have broken down too, judging by her voice over the phone.

As she finally recovered somewhat recently, she finally revealed to me what she hid from me for months fearing I would abandon her knowing of it: She met her ex recently. That’s the first time I get to know I’m not her first love, though I suspected it a while back!

Now her story goes like this: a year back she dated this guy 5 years younger than herself. But not for long as his family found out and practically saw her as a threat to their son (an older girl trying to lure their son and stuffs like that). The guy behaved like crazy at his parents for refusing to let him see her anymore. His parents blamed her for turning their son berserk. The guy even went forward to write names of her and him on his wrist with a blade or something. Seeing all this, and him suffer, she practically sacrificed her love for him and decided to end all of that. It was extremely painful for her but she did it. They did not communicate again for a year until recently she saw him again. When she did see him, she claimed to have went mentally imbalanced somehow and began doing weird things: like trying cutting her skin with a blade and being rude to her parents. She said back then, she felt the pain she once felt when she saw her in misery. She changed momentarily. That was the reason her parents practically confiscated her phone and almost never let her out her home that much, save for her work as a teacher in a school. The ex however did not communicate again as far as she honestly confessed to me and they only met that ‘once’ accidentally.

[b]She feared I would leave her knowing all this and so she did not say this to me until now.[/b] Now I have been through pains of first breakup too (even if it was online) so I can feel the pain. And I obviously cannot give that to her by leaving her. I love her way too much. [b]I don’t care what her past was.[/b] I just want her to move on and think about her and me, and OUR future. Not her past that she wish she could forget! Now she is more scared about it now that she told me the truth.

You have to help me April! I don’t know how to move from this point and in which way. I’m lost in a maze again and you gotta point me the way out: show me the bigger picture.

[b]Here are few things those are going on in my head right now~
– How to make her believe I’m not gonna leave her?
– She thinks now that she told me the truth I might leave her. Honestly I now feel I should have stayed in the dark forever to at least prevent her from thinking that way. How do I make her trust me that I’m not going to.
– How do I make her move on from her past for good?
– How can I help her by being close with her (if needed) when meeting is no longer quite possible at present times?
– Suddenly feeling that I’m not her first love as I thought myself to be is sorta depressing for a while and probably why I feel demoted, even if that’s not the case. I will eventually get over it when everything returns to normal. But since I don’t know when that happens can you tell me how do I get over it faster?
– How will this impact our relationship from her side? She loves me very much from what I can tell, but does this have any chance to lower her feelings for me?[/b]

If you have any more stuffs you would like to know to help you counsel me, ask me and I will reply very soon, when I’m on again. I’m going through a lot right now. Maybe I worry too much but this is how I am. Please show me some way to relief. I want things to be back like the old times. She is working on it too as she said, trying to patch her issues with her family. I don’t know how long this will go on but I’m holding my breath here. Please help me before it all runs out.

Expecting a reply soon like last time. And thank you so much for taking your time reading through all that.

[CodenameD]

A little update on what has happened in the last few days: Her Ex’s family filed a complaint against her for trying to lure / kidnapping charges. That’s plain absurd and I don’t know how this is gonna turn out to be. She can never do that. She told me her dad was going to take her to a lawyer for this. While she is taking control of herself in this situation things suddenly got worse! I have no idea what I can do. They probably won’t need me but I’m somehow involved with her and I just can’t do nothing.

Thanks for reading. Waiting for your kind reply and any suggestions. I’m all stressed and worn out. 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

First, thank you for your kind words about my past advice. I’m glad I was able to help!

As for your current situation, it seems like your 21 year old girlfriend dated a boy who is either 15 or 16, and now there are criminal charges pending. I know you think this is ridiculous, but in American, if an adult dates a teenager, there can be very serious charges involved. You have to understand that what she did was wrong, legally, and she needs to deal with this problem.

You mentioned that she asked you out — and not the other way around — and it seems that she may like control of situations. That she lied to you when she said her parents wouldn’t let her talk to you, but the truth was, she’d seen her ex-boyfriend instead, is more evidence that she was trying to control a situation by not telling you the truth. 😕 And her cutting herself is another more serious sign that she needs to control things, and when she can’t, has to hurt herself.

This isn’t a suitable girlfriend for you because she has so many problems that are not compatible with who you are. Your first relationship was one where it seems the entire thing took place online. Now, you’re in your first real life relationship, and it’s time for you to see this isn’t a good match. Not all relationships are, and it’s up to you to decide what IS right for you and how to get it in the form of a relationship.

Your questions have to do with ways to [i]change[/i] her. 😳 The problem is that you’ve given her no reason to believe you’d leave her, but now you want me to help you convince her you won’t leave. Do you see the problem here? You want to try and get her to forget her past, and this is something SHE has to do IF she wants to. You want her to be different…. 😳 And then finally, you want me to help you figure out how to be close with her when you can only meet her once a week. 😯 Do you see how absurd this is? You should be dating a woman who actually wants to go out with you and is able to. If someone isn’t, they’re incompatible, and that’s exactly what this woman is for you.

My advice is that you accept that this has been your first real life relationship and that it didn’t work out. Learn from it what you can and move on to find someone who IS compatible with you! 😀

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

Because you’re shy and new to dating, it’s important that you enter into a relationship where YOU take the first steps: You ask the girl out on a date. You pick her up and take her out and decide whether or not to hold her hand, kiss her, etc.

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