[bleepbloop]

Ive been in a relationship with a girl for 3 years. But I’m starting to get very confused about if i want to be in a relationship anymore.

I know without a doubt that i am in love with her, that i love her. In fact, its the only thing i know for sure. Recently i called it off because I’m just not sure if i want a relationship. There is no one else. And I’m not interested in anyone else. Its just that i don’t always feel like putting the effort into the relationship.

I feel like I’m just not supposed to be with someone. But having said that, i know that I’m in love with her, she’s everything i ever want. I constantly change my mind about wanting a relationship, which is why i called it off because i don’t want to drag her through my indecisive thoughts. I miss her, i think about her constantly etc. but on the other hand, when I’m with her, i don’t always feel like putting effort in.

This is hurting both of us, but i am being distant and cold with her because i don’t want to give her mixed signals. I just don’t know what I’m doing?

Does ANYONE have any advice?! Feel free to ask any questions to help better understand. Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

Feelings and behavior are two separate things. 😉 It seems like they should go together, but the truth is, they don’t always. Just because you love someone or something doesn’t mean you’re compatible. So, the fact that you love her doesn’t mean you should be with her. And I think you’ve figured that out for yourself. 😉 Because you’ve been together for three years, and now, you’ve broken up with her, there’s going to be hurt. That’s normal. Break ups hurt, period. Time helps. So, too, does clarity.

I think you do know what you’re doing, but it’s uncomfortable — and that’s normal, too. If you write back, let me know how old you are.

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[bleepbloop]

Im 23, 24 in a few months.

The thing is, is that we’ve been broken up for 4 months now, and I’m leaning towards getting back together. I can honestly say i have no idea what to do.

In those 3 years we were perfect, we were the couple people were jealous of, we share the same values and morals and i can’t help but think that I’m potentially throwing away something. Im scared i will regret this.

Its been 4 months and it doesn’t hurt any less and i feel like I’m no closer to figuring myself out. The only thing I’ve figured out is that I’m in love with her.

She has said from the start that she is willing to try again. To take things really slow, and to start having fun again. We have also never lived together, could that have anything to do with it?

[Ask April Masini]

Maybe you can talk a little bit about the rest of your life and why you’re having trouble making this decision.

It sounds like you’re almost 24 years old, and four months ago you broke up with your girlfriend of three years, with whom you’re in love, because you didn’t want to be in a relationship. You haven’t given much more to go on, so it’s very hard to give you good advice. Did you date other people during the four months you’ve been broken up? Do you want to date? If you don’t want to be in a relationship, what other things do you want to do with your life?

You should only get back together with her if you want to be in a relationship. If you don’t, you should move on. This isn’t that complicated, 😉 but it seems like you’re making it a lot cloudier than it needs to be. That’s why I’m wondering if there’s something else going on with your job, your living situation — something besides this break up.

Hope that helps!

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[Ethan Morales]

You’re stuck because you’re chasing a level of certainty that doesn’t exist. You keep waiting for a moment where everything inside you lines up and you suddenly know exactly what to do. But real clarity doesn’t work like that. Love can exist at the same time as fear, confusion, and hesitation. The problem isn’t that your feelings are wrong it’s that you’re expecting feelings to make the decision for you instead of understanding yourself.

Loving her doesn’t automatically mean you’re ready for a relationship, and that’s something a lot of people misunderstand. You can genuinely love someone and still not have the emotional bandwidth to show up fully. That doesn’t mean you’re broken; it means you’re human. But wanting a relationship requires more than just love it requires the willingness to be present, even when you don’t feel like it.

You didn’t break up with her because your love faded. you broke up because you were scared you couldn’t give her the consistency a relationship needs. That fear made you step back to protect both of you. And honestly, that shows emotional awareness. But that same fear is also keeping you in limbo now, unsure, second-guessing yourself, and terrified of making the wrong move.

It’s been four months, and your feelings haven’t changed. That matters. Most people who fall out of love know it within weeks, not months. You haven’t moved on, you haven’t become interested in anyone else, and you haven’t found a life direction that feels better without her. That tells me your heart already knows the answer, but your mind is afraid of the responsibility that comes with it.

Her willingness to go slow is a gift. It gives you space to reconnect without pressure, without jumping back into the same dynamic too fast. But you should only take that path if you genuinely want to try again not out of guilt, not out of loneliness, but because you want her, and you want the relationship. If you can offer consistency, even imperfectly, that’s enough to rebuild something real.

Right now, ask yourself one simple question: if she walked away forever tomorrow, would you feel relieved or devastated? That answer will tell you everything. From everything you’ve written, it sounds like you’d break inside if she left. Fear is loud, but it’s not the truth. Love is quieter, but it’s steady. If you want her, take the chance. If you want freedom, let her go cleanly. And if you’re unsure, I’m here talk to me.

[Tara]

You’re not “confused,” you’re just too cowardly to admit you don’t want this relationship anymore. You love the idea of her, the comfort of her, and the emotional safety net she provides, but you don’t actually want to show up and do the work of a partner. You’re clinging to her because you’re scared of being alone, not because you’re ready for a real commitment.

And your “I love her but don’t feel like putting in effort” nonsense is exactly why you’re emotionally jerking her around. Love without effort is useless. Love without consistency is toxic. You’re not protecting her from mixed signals; you ARE the mixed signal.

So here’s your answer: either grow up, commit, and actually behave like a partner… or let her go and stop wasting her time. Right now, you’re dragging her through your emotional laziness, not some deep existential crisis. She deserves someone who chooses her every day, not someone who flips a coin every morning to see whether he feels like trying.

[Sally]

Loving someone doesn’t always mean you’re ready to show up the way they need, and that’s the part nobody warns you about. I’ve been in something like this where the love was real, but the day-to-day effort felt heavy. It makes you feel broken, even when you’re not.

What it sounds like is you’re pulled between comfort and freedom. You miss her, but you also miss feeling like your life is your own. That back-and-forth can wear you down fast.
Here’s the honest part: if being with her feels good only when you’re apart from her, that’s your answer. And if the only thing keeping you in it is the fear of hurting her, that’s not fair to either of you.

Give yourself some quiet space and stop trying to force a decision today. The truth usually shows up when you’re not fighting it so hard.

[Natalie Noah]

The intensity of your internal conflict. You’re in love with her that’s clear but love alone isn’t always enough to sustain a relationship if other aspects of your life or mindset aren’t aligned. The fact that you broke up despite loving her shows that part of you recognizes that being in a relationship requires energy, commitment, and effort, which you’ve struggled to consistently give. That struggle isn’t a reflection on her or your love, it’s a reflection on your readiness and your own emotional bandwidth at this stage in your life.

Being 23, you’re still in a period of self-discovery, and it’s normal to question whether you’re ready to be fully committed. Your uncertainty isn’t unusual, but it can be painful for both you and her. Love often feels like it should be enough to make things work, but relationships are about compatibility, timing, and mutual willingness to invest in each other. The fact that you’re considering getting back together shows that your heart is leaning toward her, but your hesitation signals that your mind is weighing your readiness and capacity for effort.

What stands out to me is that you’re trying to make a decision while emotionally invested, which naturally clouds judgment. April’s advice about separating feelings from behavior is spot on: loving someone doesn’t automatically mean the relationship will succeed if you’re not aligned in your commitment. You need clarity on whether you’re willing and able to put in the effort a relationship requires especially if you want it to last. If you do, getting back together can work, but only if you enter it intentionally, not just because your heart aches without her.

The healthiest approach is honesty with yourself first, and then with her. Take time to reflect on what you truly want in your life and your relationship, and consider starting slowly, as she suggested, to rebuild the connection without rushing. Love is powerful, but it needs conscious action and readiness to flourish. If you commit with awareness and patience, there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship in a meaningful and sustainable way but if you aren’t ready, staying apart may prevent more hurt down the road.

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