[Illusion777]

This is extremely complicated, of course, but I’ll try to simplify it as much as possible. I’ve been “friends” with this guy for about 5months who is EXTREMELY shy. We started out as just friends for about a month and then he told me he really liked me. We’re both at a 4yr university(Third year transfer students) and our particular university is known for its, er, lack of commitment even in a casual sense of anything. I’d just come out of a three year relationship, where I was about to get married, which was extremely bad in just about every way you can think of, so I told him I wasn’t looking for anyone and was enjoying being alone. Maybe a super casual thing? To which he stated, no, he only did actual relationships, maybe I could give it a chance and just see where things go. To which I tentatively said as long he was 100% open. I didn’t need any more bs or lies in my life. We proceed to get to more deeply know each other for another two months, talking about everything under the sun and getting really close..which eventually turns into hooking up a bit..the entire time he’s saying how much he likes me, how “no, I don’t understand, he REALLY likes me”, texts me every day, and seems extremely into me. I reciprocate as much as he does but hold myself back a bit cause I can’t see where its going.(only got annoyed one time when he was supposed to hang out with me, but just never texted me that night). The entire time he weirdly makes a point of never officially asking me out, even though he’ll go on things which would otherwise be considered a date.

Eventually, he just kinda drops off a bit around 3months AFTER I finally give in and tell him that I’d be okay going out with him/being in a relationship thing, which was what he’d been stating he wanted/was moving towards with me for forever. A week later, after his drop off and rather sudden lack of interest, I finally call him up, upset and ask if theres any way I could talk. We meet and he says he doesn’t want to hurt me, so he’s not going to date me like he was thinking, because he’s not ENTIRELY sure we, as a couple, would end up well together.

Now, he’s been hurt in the past really deeply. He’s had his best friend cheat on him with his gf for the entire 6months they were going out, and then the six months after that as well. He’s had one gf when they got out of hs who promised to do long distance with him and then bailed. and etc. Needless to say, poor guy has not had the best of times with relationships. He’s extremely jaded and sad when it comes down to his whole view of relationships(as I found over the course of this conversation where I asked him “wtf”) and I ended up asking him WHY waste four months just screwing around then if you decided you were too worried to be in a relationship with me? We certainly weren’t just friends, it was developing into something more, and now you’re done as soon as I give in? To which his reply was that he didn’t feel like relationships meant things to people anyways, but that he felt like he wasn’t hurting me during the past few months because he didn’t put a label on it so we could figure things out….but even though he really likes me, he’s afraid we’d run into issues, and he doesn’t want to work through issues anymore, because its all been pointless before and he doesn’t want to do that. Because he’s not 100% sure everything would be perfect, he’s not taking a chance.

Which, I may have gotten a bit annoyed and called immature bullshit for a bit, because that’s stupid as relationships are all about working through issues. But whatever, anywho, we resolve to stop everything we’ve been doing, flirting etc and just be friends. This is at about 4months knowing each other. It works fine for a “while”(as I expected), and I’m back to being just friends with him. When we still hang out in groups we’re fine, when we hang out alone, meh. We talk for HOURS on end and forget what time it is, or if we’re outside how cold. He’ll make all these little excuses for me to stay longer or keep a conversation going or etc…Most recently, he’s started saying things all the time like, “when you meet **insert family member here**” and reallly non-friend things to say..like I’ve never said to any of my friends here “I can’t wait til you meet ***” or “You would get along so well with ***” somewhat accidentally. I’ve had them hang out with other friends from home, but I’ve never been invested in them like integrating to my family or personal life. Just recently, after a month of “successfully” being “just friends”. We do one of our night run vent things and then he’s left when he texts me “he doesn’t want to be alone tonight” so, yeah, I was stupid, annnd I went over…But where I’m coming from is we CLEARLY can’t succeed at being just friends. We suck at it. He clearly has some sort of feelings. But should I stop talking to him all together, or is there a way I could show him he can take a chance on me?

[DazedandConfused8]

It sounds like you guys are experiencing the same relationship differently. He wants the comfort of having someone he can call and be with whenever he asks for it, yet doesn’t always want to call you his “girlfriend.”

However, that’s somewhat to be expected considering his past experience with women and people with whom he’s had close relationships. Clearly, this is affecting you because you don’t know what your status is or what your future will be.

This is a cautious conversation you’re going to have to have with him. If this is negatively affecting you, then you need to tell him that it’s time to either make the next move to call yourselves a couple or just stay friends – and actually be friends.

[Ask April Masini]

There’s a couple of relationship rules I can help you with — they may seem uncomfortable to incorporate, at first, but eventually you’ll see the value in them. 😉 First of all, men and women can’t be friends. The reason is that one person always wants more than the other one, and this causes confusion at best, and miscommunication and heartache at worst. The second rule is that when you’re dating someone, the first three months are the time you should simply decide if you want to continue dating them — and assume they’re doing the same. Don’t assume monogamy — it’s way too soon. That comes after the second three months, or the six month mark, when you decide whether or not you want monogamy with him, and vice verse. It may seem like a long time to get to those marks, but the time allows you to get to know the other person without the pressure of “calling” the relationship or “labeling” it too soon.

The more personal advice I’d give you is to try and understand that the long-term relationship that you recently got out of is not a reason to pick up with someone new where you left off with the old boyfriend. You have to start completely fresh — with the dating process. 😉 If you’re not ready, give yourself a break, but don’t put pressure on someone else to take care of your emotional needs because you’re not ready for another relationship, or you want to insure that a new one will be failsafe. I know you don’t want to get hurt again, but that’s a responsibility you have to take on yourself, and dating smart is the best way to do that. 😉

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