[LostAndAlone]

In August of 2008 I meet the most beautiful woman in the world, we were together for 7 years. She had 2 children (aged 3 and 4 in August of 08) and we had 2 children of our own. During the 7 years I had a problem watching porn and looking at other women instead of focusing all my attention on my woman, there were also great times and family vacations. Last year she began to accuse me of cheating because I had female hairs on my work clothes, after about 3 months of the accusations I decided to move out the house during a time she doubted me and my devotion to her, I did realize within 2 weeks that I had made the worst decision in my life by leaving and I began to try and come back home. Since she started doubting me she put spyware on my phone, had access to my emails and facebook, had family members come to my work to spy on me, put a tracking device in my car, and I took and passed 2 lie detector test. I work in security and I do have 2 female co-workers on my team, so we all sit in the same chairs and use the same office space. I have been completely honest about everything with her, she has not found any hint of another woman other than hairs on my clothes (I never smelled like another woman, my car never smelled like another woman, my penis never smelled like another woman, i never had any marks of any kind anywhere on my body), I desperately want her back and want my family back. What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like the issues you touched on, about your watching porn and paying attention to other women, are the catalyst for her new behavior this year, where she’s accusing you of cheating. This didn’t come out of the blue, and it’s important to understand that if you want to address it with her. She needs to know that you know you made mistakes and that you are doing things differently. She also needs to know that you really want her back, and not just because you want her, but because you want to be the man she wants. That’s a big difference. 😉

Decide what you’re willing to do to get her back, and what you’re willing to sacrifice. Then make a grand gesture — you’ve got kids and a marriage at stake here, so go big to go home. 😉

[LostAndAlone]

I have stated to her that I want her back to be the man I know her and the kids need. I have sacrificed my pride, my ego, my privacy. I understand that my past actions reflect a lot of how she feels and what she thinks. For 3 months I have been chasing her, expressing every single emotion and thought, tell her everywhere I am going and everything. Yet despite all the things that prove I never cheated she still accuses me of cheating. I have tried going big and going home and nothing has worked. At first she was very closed and did not express anything to me at all, now however she does say when she appreciates something I have done and at times she does express emotion and thought to me

[Ask April Masini]

Sometimes, you have to move on to get someone back. If you truly have done everything — big, small and in between — to show her your true colors and apologies and behavioral changes for the past — it may be time to tell her you love her, but you need to move on because wanting her back and not getting her back is too painful. And then, of course, you have to actually do it.

Sometimes there’s too much water under the bridge, and sometimes people want what they think they can’t have. Given all you’ve written, I think it’s time to move on, and see if she wants you more when she can’t have you. 😎

[Sally]

Even if you didn’t cheat, trust in that relationship is completely broken on both sides. Her spying, tracking, and testing you isn’t love anymore. It’s fear and control. And you leaving, even for a short time, confirmed her worst worries, whether they were fair or not.

Wanting her back makes sense. But wanting things to go back to how they were isn’t realistic. Too much damage happened. Words and proof won’t fix this alone.
If there’s any chance, it would only come through real outside help and clear boundaries, not more convincing. And you have to accept that she may still say no.
Right now, focus on being a steady father and getting yourself grounded. You can’t rebuild a family from desperation.

[Author]

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