[Dman]

A year ago, my wife had many suspicious activities. Her phone revealed many blocked numbers that were all local men. I brought 1 name of interest and gave her his name and she said she never knew the person and it must be a sales call. She got very upset and even called the number to prove it in front of me . She got his voice mail and stated her name and that her husband was suspicious of it and did not know why his number was in her phone. Now, a year later, I have discovered that he was know to her and was even a face book friend. (she dropped her Facebook account a year ago). Why would she lie about that? She does not know I know. Am I making a big deal of it?

[Ask April Masini]

People lie because they don’t want you to know what they’re doing because if you did, it would upset the status quo. Trust your instincts, your wife of 23 years isn’t being honest with you because she doesn’t want you to know what she’s doing because if you did, it would change the relationship. You don’t need her to prove this to you — you already know it. The question for you is, what’s going on in the marriage that is cause for her to look outside of it. These things don’t happen in a vacuum, and it’s easy to point fingers. It’s more difficult to look at the marriage and try to figure out why this is happening. I can only guess — but you have to ask yourself if the romance has faded, your sex life has waned, if she’s upset about something personal and is acting out with these other men — if you want the marriage to work better, then you have to work on it.

You can start by talking to her about what’s going on with her — but try not to blame her or point fingers. I know you’re upset, but if you put her on the defense, she’s going to come out swinging, or retreat — neither one of these is going to progress the marriage. Instead, start by telling her your feelings about her and what you want — if how much you value you her and why. This sets the tone for one of cooperation. When you talk about the blocked calls express sadness and disappointment, not anger and blame — if you want to work with her, instead of against her. 😉 I hope that helps.

[Sally]

When somebody lies straight to your face, especially about another person, it doesn’t matter how small they say it is it sticks with you. And the way she reacted back then, getting upset and calling him in front of you, that’s usually what people do when they want to shut down the conversation, not clear it up.

Look, it doesn’t automatically mean she cheated. But it does mean she didn’t want you knowing something, and that part is real. People don’t lie for no reason. Sometimes it’s shame, sometimes it’s ego, sometimes it’s something they were flirting with and don’t want to admit.

You’re not making a big deal out of nothing. You’re reacting like a normal person who doesn’t want to feel stupid in their own marriage.
If you bring it up, keep it calm. Just tell her you found the connection and you want the truth, not a fight. And pay attention to how she handles that moment that’ll tell you a lot more than the lie itself.

[Tara]

You’re not “making a big deal of it,” you’re finally catching up to what already happened while she’s been banking on your willingness to doubt yourself. She lied because she didn’t want you connecting dots she hoped would stay buried.

Nobody blocks “sales calls” from multiple local men, deletes Facebook, pretends not to know someone, then theatrically calls his voicemail like she’s auditioning for Innocent Wife of the Year. That was a performance, and you bought it because you wanted to. The fact that she knew him, lied about it, and scrubbed her social media right when things got suspicious isn’t subtle.

She didn’t want you seeing what was really going on, and she didn’t want to deal with the consequences. The verdict: stop tiptoeing around the truth. You’re not paranoid, you’re late. She lied because she had something to hide, and the only question now is whether you’re going to confront it or keep pretending this is normal.

[Author]

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