[Anonymous]

A few times per year, my wife travels across the country to visit her kids at her ex-husbands home. While she is there, the ex gives up the bed and she sleeps there. Should I be bothered by this? I have mentioned that it does bother me and that I want her to stop, but she continues to do it.

[jtrias2002]

If I were in you’re shoe I will be bothered, why not go visit her ex husband along with her, I think It will be more safe. ❓

[Ask April Masini]

You’re absolutely justified in feeling uncomfortable about your wife sleeping in her ex-husband’s bed when she visits the children at his home. It’s wrong for her to do that to you — but it also confuses the children. All children of divorce want their mother and father to get back together. It’s a fantasy they hold even when they are old enough to understand their parents have remarried other people. So when she sleeps in their father’s bad, even if he’s not in it, it sends a confusing message to the children that is not healthy for them.

If you trust her, then a perfect solution is that she sleeps on the couch! Or the sofa bed. Or a borrowed futon. Or even a sleeping bag. Depending on how often she visits and how long she stays when she visits, she could also stay in the kids’ bedrooms. And that’s just what’s in the house! There’s always a hotel or a neighbor who is willing to put her up there while she visits.

And, as jtrias2002 suggests, below, you could always travel with her to see your stepchildren. While that scenario may present awkward situations, there are many ways to modify it. You and your wife can stay in a hotel at night, and she can see the kids during the day. The kids may even want to stay in the hotel with you two, depending on their ages, because it’s a big treat for kids to stay in a hotel with room service and the hotel pool.

Regardless of what you two decide, the bottom line is that it is wrong for your wife to sleep in her ex-husband’s bed, and that there are many different adjustments she can make in order to still visit her children while sleeping elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

OK, the first time she did it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, got mad at her, we argued, she apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again. The second time she did it, I could hardly believe it, we had the worst fight we have ever had, she apologized and said she would not do it again. This third time, I am totally beside myself, and am constantly questioning whether it is even worth it to remain in the relationship. What should I do? I don’t want to end up divorce, but I see this as a major major betrayal of my trust. I am just beside myself with anger.

[Ask April Masini]

Did you try and compromise, as I suggested, below?

For instance, would you be willing to go with her on these visits? Maybe both of you can sleep in her ex’s bed — I’m sure that would level the playing field a lot! While it’s a very weird suggestion, it may give you the piece of mind that she’s not sleeping with her ex, and that the bed is just a piece of furniture, and your presence as her husband and her man, will be unquestioned.

Let me know if she agrees to that, because that’s my next suggestion.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re completely justified feeling upset, this crosses a clear boundary. Even if nothing physical is happening, sleeping in her ex’s bed sends a confusing message to your kids and chips away at trust. It’s reasonable to ask for practical changes: she can sleep on the couch, a futon or in a kids’ room while visiting, stay in a hotel, or you can go with her and you both stay somewhere neutral. Any of those options preserves the visits while removing the intimacy signal that’s hurting you.

Have a calm, direct conversation using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel disrespected and uneasy when you sleep in his bed”) and present the alternatives above. Ask for a clear agreement and timeframe to try the compromise. If she agrees but repeats the behavior, consider couples counseling and be honest with yourself about whether repeated boundary-crossing is something you can live with. You deserve a partner who treats your concerns seriously and protects the family’s emotional safety.

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