[missla11]

So i’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, and we live with each other. Overall we have a very good relationship. We get along, we have lots of fun together, we are very attracted to one another, he is thoughtful of me, and i know that we both love one another very much. However, I feel like it is taking him a long time to grow up. His once single friends are starting to slow down and spend time with their significant others. Our weekends have always consisted of going out and partying with his friends.Whenever I mention about having a date night with JUST US, he goes on this rant about how he doesn’t want to spend money. It hurts my feelings, because (like usual) when his friends call him on Friday he is ready and willing to go out, and will go out without me if I dont feel like it. He never wants to “spend money” on going to a movie with me, or go bowling with me… but if his friends wanted to do any of those, he’d be doing it. He is 24 and i am 23. I want to marry this man, and i love him. I am in no rush to get married, i don’t put any of that pressure on him at all. I don’t think it’s me pressuring him to grow up at all. It truly makes me feel like he just doesnt love me as much as I love him. In past relationships other boyfriends LOVED to hang out just me and him. What do i do

[Ask April Masini]

You’re writing me about two problems: The first is that your live in boyfriend of four years doesn’t want to spend any money on you. And the second problem is that you’re not sure he wants to get married, which is something you want in the near future.

One of the clues you can use as to his intentions is the reason you moved in together. Since you’re both 23 and 24, you probably moved in together when you were 19 and he was 20 or somewhere around then. Sometimes people move in together at that age for different reasons than they do at age 24 or 25. If he was just wanting to live with you because it was the thing to do, and you got on well enough, but he didn’t really have any future plans with you, you may find yourself feeling frustrated now. So think about what the plan was when you moved in together and if that’s changed.

As for his not spending money on you — is this new behavior? If it’s not, and you knew about it when you moved in with him, then the question really is, why are you expecting him to change now?

Fill me in and I’ll advise you further. 😀

Until then, please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[missla11]

You are correct! We moved in together when we were 19 and 20. When we moved in with one another we had (and still have) intentions of eventually getting married. I don’t feel that he doesn’t want to marry me, I just feel like his friends come before I do, and if that’s the case… is it ever going to really change, because all of his friends are slowly settling down and I feel that he doesn’t want to.

As far as him never wanting to take me out on “date nights”, I feel as if he is frustrated because he is the breadwinner. He works for a family company, and I am in the last semester of school and working 2 jobs to try and keep my head above water. When I do suggest that just him and I go out together he makes it seem like if he isn’t going to be going out with his friends as well, then he’d rather just say home and not spend the money. This was never an issue in the past because I made more money, and wasn’t in school full time. This past year has financially been a struggle for us because I am going to school full time and working as much as possible. This never had been an issue before is because in the past I wanted to go out and party all the time as well, and now I just don’t find is as much fun, and I want more time with him. Am I being too needy? Or is he just not wanting to grow up?

[Socrates]

This is my first post on this forum, so please excuse any mistakes I make.
If he is 24, that is still really young for a guy to “settle down”. Most men don’t want to stop going out until they feel old. If you live in a big city, it is even harder for guys to settle down. If you really want to get married soon, or at lease engaged, I would leave. I had a friend of mine who dated a girl for 13 years from the time they were 15 and 16 until they got married at age 28 and 29. So, take it for what it is, if you think he is the one and he will settle down and change with you, then great, but if not….

[Ask April Masini]

I agree with [b]socrates[/b]. It really doesn’t sound like he wants to get married. You do. You’ve invested four years already. His friends are more important to him than you are right now, and a different guy who was ready to get married would be understanding and even glad that you’re finishing your education to better yourself, knowing that this would put a financial strain on the relationship, temporarily. The thing is, he isn’t thinking temporarily. He’s living in the moment, as many young guys do. You’re looking for a future. This is an incompatibility.

If you stay, you’re really risking that he may wake up one day and decide he hasn’t played the field enough or that you’re not the one. If you leave, I don’t think he’s going to come after you and try to make you stay. In fact, I think he’ll be sad, but he’ll be relieved. You, however, will be sad, but you’ll get a new lease on a life where you can find someone who is more compatible with your life and relationship goals.

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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