[Ask April Masini]

I realize this response is not going to be what you want to hear, but you asked for my opinion and so I’m going to give it to you.

If you do not want to be the other woman, don’t act like one. As harsh as that sounds, it’s really that simple.

My suggestion is that you tell this man not to call you again unless/until he is ready to make you The Woman in his life.

I recommend that you explain (to him) that you do not like being “the other woman,” any more than you like sneaking around, or being with someone who is cheating on someone else.

As much as it is going to hurt you — stop 100% all contact with him — right now. It would be far worse to wake up 2 years from now in the same situation, having wasted the best years of your life, waiting….

If he truly loves you and wants to be with you — your lack of contact will force him to make the changes he needs to make. If he doesn’t, he never would have.

On a very frank separate note, 9 times out of 10, someone who cheats with you will cheat on you. More, I would never recommend having an affair and breaking up a family, any more than I’d recommend believing in someone who is willing to breakup their family as a result of a 3 month affair…. Just something to think about.

[Ask April Masini]

Boy oh boy

[Ask April Masini]

Well, while I don

[Ask April Masini]

At first glance it would appear that there are several items to be addressed here, however there aren

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, if you’ve read my book Think & Date Like A Man or any of my columns on this topic you already know what I’m going to tell you. If you haven’t read my book — you really need to!

Now, you’re not going to like my advice, but you asked for it, so I’m going to tell you the truth.

This man’s behavior is (and has been) telling you all you need to know…. Be that in his pursuit of you (or lack thereof), his affection towards you (or lack thereof), or his desire to do things with and for you (or lack thereof).

You have been aggressively pursing this man, he has not been pursing you. You said, “I’m always the one who has to call him or text him. I have to ask him to hang out.”

As harsh as this is going to sound, what else do you need to know? If he was interested in a relationship with you — he would be pursuing you… he’s not.

Further, now he’s asking you “what he has to do for me to break up with him.” In other words, what does he have to do to make you show some self respect and stop chasing him.

And what do you do? You “beg him in a text for him to pick up”. Frankly, you look desperate and pathetic. Your behavior is the polar opposite of everything it needs to be to interest a man in a relationship.

What should you do? Simple. STOP!

Stop calling him, stop texting him — stop everything — IMMEDIATELY.

If he is interested in a relationship with you he will come after you and he will ask you on a date. If he doesn’t, he was never interested in the first place.

I find so many women want to make excuses for why a man doesn’t email, doesn’t call, doesn’t pursue them, etc. when the answer is very simple. He’s doesn’t do it because he’s not interested enough to do so. If he was — Trust Me — he would.

I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings, but I honestly believe it’s what you need to hear.

If you don’t start acting like a women with some self respect, you will never be treated with respect. Wake up!

I strongly recommend that you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man — read it, and then adjust your thinking and your behavior accordingly…

I wish you all the best.

[Ask April Masini]

Your concerns are all valid. The concern I have is why are aren’t listening to your inner voice? Specifically, “i question why I am with him. I’ve met tons of guys at my university who are all determined and hard working like me, and I know I could be with someone like that.”

It is your job as a woman to look out for your best interests. If you don’t – who do you think is going to? Certainly not this guy!

Frankly, I don’t understand why you aren’t a bit more selfish? Why don’t you feel like you deserve better than this? If you don’t value yourself, you cannot expect that anyone else will.

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man — and read it. Then, as GPM as accurately stated in their post, get out there and find a man who shares your values and priorities… someone who treats you like he values you.

[Ask April Masini]

If you’ve read my columns or my book, Think & Date Like A Man, you already know what I am going to tell you. If you haven’t read my book — you need to!

What you have done is you’ve made this guy “the prize” and you’ve been trying to “catch” him. To win with men, it must be the other way around. He must see you as the prize. You must be someone he wants to “win” and that he must work at winning. Equally, there shouldn’t be any “settlement” (Are you kidding me?) and you should not be negotiating or trying to convince him to stop seeing other people… HE should be trying to convince you to date him exclusively. End of chapter.

As far as playing games goes… you shouldn’t be playing hard to get — you should BE hard to get. It is human nature not to want something that’s too easy. It is precieved as lacking value.

Stop talking about “your relationship” with this guy and start taking action. How? Stop trying to prove you’re “girlfriend material”. Start being unavailable. Stop pursuing him. Seriously date other men. Unless and until a man asks you for an exclusive relationship or a commitment, and stops seeing other women — there isn’t one. Period. If this guy was convinced you were “girlfriend material”, you’d be his girlfriend. You’re not.

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to wake up!

It is your job to take care of you. If you want an exclusive relationship you need to keep dating different men until you find the one who feels the same way you do, and then, importantly, demonstrates it by his actions.

Bottomline: Time is your most valuable commidity and something you can never get any more of. Stop wasting yours on him. He knows you want an exclusive relationship and he’s told you he doesn’t want one. He told you that he wants to date other people — more, he doesn’t care if you do the same. What else do you need to know?

Move on!

[Ask April Masini]

Frankly, he throws tantrums and acts like a baby because he can. You engage him, you allow the bad behavior and (I suspect) you often give in to it.

I suggest that the next time he does it that you tell him something like this:

“Look XYZ, I love you and I’ve told you where I am going and what I am going to be doing. As much as I adore you I am sick and tired of these tempter tantrums over nothing and I am not going to engage in this behavior any more. If you want to pout and sleep on the couch, pout and sleep on the couch. If you want to be silent and act like a spoiled brat who isn’t getting their way — be silent and act like a spoiled brat. However, please understand that I want to be in a relationship with a man — not a child. I am not going to acknowledge or engage you when you are displaying this childish behavior any longer.”

Then don’t. Don’t acknowledge or engage him. Don’t say one more word about it. Nothing. Go about doing what you told him that you were going to do and let him have the tantrum on his own.

If you ignore the bad behavior — and I mean completely — I strongly suspect it will stop.

[Ask April Masini]

Well, until you’ve asked her to be your girlfriend and she’s agreed — she’s not your girlfriend. That being the case, it’s not your responsibility, nor is it appropriate, for you to be talking to anyone on her behalf.

That said, if you want her to be your girlfriend — tell her that.

To answer your, “What is meant by “girlfriend”?”, question directly: Generally speaking when someone refers to someone as their “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” the implication is there is an exclusive relationship (as opposed to just “dating someone”).

[Ask April Masini]

It seems to me that there are several issues at play here:

The first is nothing you don’t already know… that you may still be carrying a torch for your “serious boyfriend”, and if not a torch, then without a doubt, you still have not come to terms (in your own head) with the breakup and the end of the relationship.

The second issue is that you are trying to compare [u]“2 guys that you’ve dated one month each, which you don’t consider boyfriends” [/u]with a [u]“serious boyfriend” that you dated for 3 1/2 years.[/u]

The good news and the bad news is that your serious boyfriend was honest with you. As much as it hurt (and continues to hurt) it would have been a far worse situation if he (and your relationship) had come to this conclusion after you were married for a couple of years with children. Equally, it would have been worse if he married you and then cheated on you and/or left you when he discovered he wasn’t in love with you.

I realize that it’s hard to believe right now, but he did you a favor… he’s given you the opportunity to find some one who really loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Reject is actually a gift. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t want them, or that wants to be with someone else. It’s difficult, but if you could try to see the breakup in those terms it might make coping with the end of the relationship and moving on easier.

Now, regarding the two guys that you’ve dated for a month and don’t consider serious boyfriends go:

One month is nowhere near long enough to determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. More, until you feel like you’re in a “serious relationship” with someone – and begin to refer to them as your boyfriend – marriage is out of the question.

My advice to you is to tell this guy that you need to slow things down… Mr In A Rush needs to understand that you are not prepared to rush into a marriage just yet. You need to be sure of how you feel, for both of your sakes. Frankly, anyone having doubts about marriage shouldn’t be getting married.

More, I think it’s important for you to keep dating other people …

Overall, I don’t think that dating just two people after a long relationship is enough to determine who you should marry. I recommend you continue to date other men, to see what else is out there, and to see who feels like the best fit for you.

It is very possible that dating others may show you how much you want to be with Mr. In A Rush. On the other hand, it may not. And if it doesn’t you need to give him the same gift your former boyfriend gave you… The Gift of Rejection. And let him find someone who will really love him the way he deserves to be loved, without hesitation.

This is process may be difficult, but you’ll get through it and you’ll fall in love again… you’ll see!

[Ask April Masini]

Unfortunately, you are not alone… I have received several concerned emails (from both men and women) regarding their partner’s frequent use of porn. There is no question that this has become a rapidly growing problem in our society.

As I see it, you only have one option if the porn is negatively impacting your relationship: Ask him to stop.

If he refuses to (or can’t) stop on his own, he may need to seek out help in stopping… “Porn addiction” is a growing trend in this country. The thing with “porn addiction” — or any type of addiction for that matter, is that the person with the problem must be willing to admit that there’s a problem and then [b]want[/b] to stop the behavior. If they are unwilling to do so, there is nothing you can do.

Assuming the worst case scenario is the situation (ie: he refuses to stop or to seek help stopping) you are left with two choices:

1) accept his use of porn
2) give him the choice: stop or lose you

I’m sorry if that sounds cold, but I don’t see any alternatives.

I wish you good luck.

[Ask April Masini]

While you did not mention your ages, I must assume that you are quite young and that this is one of your first major relationships?

Assuming this assumption is correct, I wonder if “everyone” you refer to is seeing something more, or different, in your girlfriend and your relationship with her (that is prompting their desire for you two to break up) than you are?

Having said that, there are two things that you mentioned that caught my attention: (1) “We both want something different out of our relationship.” And 2, “She’s dragging me down.”

Equally, I do not think that it is selfish or greedy of you to, “want to be independent, but still be with her”, or for you to “want her to grow up”.

In my opinion, when you combine these things with the behavior she displays, I am inclined to agree with “everyone” else … perhaps you two need to take a break and to date some other people. Based upon what you described, the two of you appear to be moving in opposite directions. What I mean by that is, generally speaking, people in happy and healthy relationships are motivated in the same direction with shared goals and values. It seems to me (based upon what you described) that neither of you is particularly happy in your relationship, but neither of you wants to be the one to breakup. Honestly, that is not a good reason to remain in a relationship. I think there’s a very good chance that there is someone out there who will encourage you to continue to grow and become the best independent person you can be — while making you feel like a million bucks, instead of bringing you down.

[Ask April Masini]

I get some version of this question all of the time, and while you did not give me enough background information to properly address your specific situation, I think this will help:

When a someone asks me “How long should I wait to call them back?” this immediately tells me that this person doesn’t really “get” how male/ female attraction works. If they did get it, then they’d be thinking in those terms rather than trying to figure out the exact best amount of time to wait before calling.

Specifically, the “when do I call her/him back?” problem is part of a bigger concept, and once you understand that bigger concept better then you’ll have an automatic feel for when to call a woman (or a man) back.

Most guys (or women for that matter) don’t “get” one simple point:

If you want someone

[Ask April Masini]

No, it doesn’t sound dumb at all. In fact, statistically, 90% of relationships break up over two things: sex or money. If a couple is not compatible in these two areas the relationship is more likely than not to run into serious difficultly.

The good news for you is that (1) you are very young, and (2), you recognize that there is a problem and you are making an effort to address it. The bad news is that if your boyfriend is unwilling (or unable) to meet your needs then you’ve got a hard decision to make.

There are a number of things that can contribute to a man’s decrease in sex drive — stress being at the top of the list (change of job, financial difficulties, etc.). On the other hand, you mention that his lack of desire became apparent almost immediately, which causes me some concern…. I can’t help but wonder if the two of you are just not that sexually compatible. Needless to say, it’s a lot more satisfying to be with someone whose needs, drives and desires are more closely aligned with yours, than not. Equally, when there is a drastic difference in partners needs and desires infidelity is likely to ensure and the relationship (generally) will not last.

My recommendation is for you to have a serious, non accusatory, non threatening, discussion with your boyfriend about how you feel and the fact that your needs are not being met. Ask him if he is willing to work on improving the situation with you. If he does agree to make an effort to work on the situation — and then follows through, you’ve got a good shot at making the relationship work. If he doesn’t, I think you need to consider finding someone who is more compatible with you.

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, I do think you are doing the right thing by taking the month off from any contact. Under the circumstances you both need the opportunity, time and space to figure out what (and who) you want. Continuing to communicate during this time does not accurately demonstrate what it would be like to be without the other person, nor does it really allow you to truly date other people and give them / a relationship with them a chance, because you’re remaining connected to your “broken” relationship. You need to start the process of moving on — something she initiated and has already begun.

A breakup is meant to be just that — a break up. Your girlfriend broke up with you. Let there be no mistake about it. And she’s dating someone new.

In honesty, I have a suspicion that your ex-girlfriend may have met this “new friend” around the time she told you that “she needed to be alone to figure things out”. Which, in honesty, was the appropriate thing for her to do (ie: break up rather than cheat) — for both of you… assuming for a second that my hunch is correct.

That said, you have told her how you feel — the ball is in her court. She asked for the space and time alone, you need to give it to her… and not just for her — but for you. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with them — let alone wants to be with someone else. And definitely not you!

Frankly, I think you should stick to your guns, cease all communication with her, and start dating other women– immediately.

If she loves you as she says she does, she’ll come back to you and tell you she made a mistake in breaking up with you. Then she’ll make every effort to rekindle / resume the relationship with you. And at that point the choice will be yours. If she doesn’t come back — she wasn’t “the one” for you.

I realize this is painful and upsetting, I’m sorry.

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