[DazedandConfused8]

[quote=”Mimibrew93″]I met this girl on a social networking site, we have been communicating for a couple of months now and we talk literally everyday we are very good friends and we get along very well. The only problem I’m having right now is I can’t seem to get her to meet me. Every time we make plans to meet she blows me off at the last minute with some random excuse and when I point it out to her she gets upset . I’m at the point where I don’t know whether to settle for this form of friendship or keep on asking . I don’t know what move to make now CIA I’ve run out of options[/quote]

Sounds like she’s a catfish.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catfish:_The_TV_Show

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, what great timing this has been!

I got a drunk call from her last night. This is one confused girl.

She repeated what she’s already said several times: that she was bored, she felt tied down, she felt like she was holding me back, she wants to do drugs, and she just wants to be single and ‘free’ for a while before figuring out where she wanted to go in life. She’s already been kicked out of one place and is already living in her second. She’s been doing drugs and clubbing every night and loves it.

Then she got into apologizing, crying and saying she was sorry she had to do this to me. She said she has daddy issues and is really messed up and unstable right now (her words). She again repeated how great it was being with me and how thankful she was for everything I had done for her. She actually said she feels like my purpose in life was to get her stable, and well-supported so she could move onto other things. Wow! That one hurt.

She said she wanted me to “stand up to her” in fights and “put her in her place” (her words). She wanted me to “be a man” by telling her that I was going out with friends or doing something rather than asking (not for her permission, but to make sure we were prepared for it). Huh!?

Then she repeated how we weren’t “right for each other.” Then she asked how I was feeling and doing, because it would “make a difference” to her to know how I’m feeling. This conversation went on for about 45 minutes. Again I was non-committal about anything specific. Then she put me on “hold” and hung up on me.

She’s obviously confused. She was also drunk, but she didn’t say anything different than what she had said in person.

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I figure I should provide an update on what’s happened over these past 7 weeks. Her graduation day has come and passed. The last of her things will be moved out this weekend.

She’s initiated most of the contact, which is good (or so I’ve read). Usually it’s been texts from her asking when she can call. I’ll wait a while then give her a time. It starts out asking when she can come pick up a few things, but then we’ll stray into talking about how our cat is doing, what we were doing at school/work, etc. We’ve talked almost once a week and probably seen each other 4 or 5 times in the past 7 weeks.

On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it?

We’re supposed to see each other on Friday; then on Saturday she’s coming over to pack, and on Sunday she’s coming with a truck and that’s that…

[DazedandConfused8]

I appreciate your feedback April. I really do.

[quote]That wasn’t what I had in mind. 😕 If she left because there was no spark, asking her out for coffee is probably going to confirm her decision that there is no spark. 😳 Coffee is boring. And while a coffee date is a great way to get to know someone you think you might be interested in — this is your ex-fiance you’re trying to win over. Coffee is not going to show her you want her back and you’re making changes. [/quote]

Well, I think one of the largest reasons she fell in love with me was for being stable, but I see your point. I also think coffee is a good way to meet in a neutral setting to talk to one another.

So, my plan right now is to give her another week of no contact, meaning we’ll be 3 weeks through the 6 week “break”. On the Thursday before, I want to text her asking her to a dinner date wherever she wants on the Friday evening. We always tried to set aside Friday evenings to eat out together, go see a movie, spend the evening together, etc. so that’s my reason for choosing that date. I also know she’s done school that day at 1pm and I’d be done work at 3pm.

How should I go about saying this so she has to say yes, and what can I do to make this evening a success? I want to ask her to choose the time and place so she feels in control; but at the same time I think it might also be meaningful if I told her where we were going, showing that I know what she likes.

(By the way, we’ve yet to go for coffee. I’m trying to give her the space she asked for.)

[DazedandConfused8]

[quote=”April Masini”]I don’t think you should wait for her to contact you. 😉[/quote]

I did contact her (on Friday) about going for coffee. What else can/should I do?

[DazedandConfused8]

Well, I’m doing my best to not contact her. It’s been a week since I last saw her (last Sunday). On Friday I put out a feeler to see what her reaction was to us getting together for some coffee sometime, and she said sure, she would let me know.

It’s crazy tough waiting for her response, not knowing whether it’s going to be tonight, tomorrow, or in 2 weeks. Especially with the fireworks tonight, I’d really like to invite her out just to see them then head home – no drama, spontaneous, maybe chat a bit – I *think* starting small with a mini-get together like that would be good. However, you (April) have suggested inviting her out to things she likes in order to re-win her over, yet others have suggested against speaking to her or contacting her at all.

I’m curious, April, what you think about those who say to go completely “no contact” and wait for the woman to contact the man?

[DazedandConfused8]

[quote=”April Masini”]You’re very articulate about describing the situation — she wants more spark. You agree — but it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything to give her what she wants. 😳 If you have, then forgive me for missing it. If someone is able to tell you that they’re missing the sexual connection, or the spark in the relationship, then unless you make some changes, things will continue to unravel, as they have been. The question for you now, is: What are you willing to do to try to get her back? It sounds like you’re complacent to wait for her, but my advice would be to make some changes in your behavior, and try to win her back. A separation after a four year dating period — isn’t indicative of a happy ending, but if you do want her, you have to go get her. 😉

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Thanks April! I appreciate it. That spark does indeed seem to be suffering, and I was hoping we could work on it in another month (once she’s done school). However, she wants to take the time until then to focus on school (as she says).

I’ve received a lot of different feedback about “winning” her back: some say leave her be completely for the next 6 weeks, others say send a text every week or so, or offer to go for coffee. What is your feedback on the right way to win her back without scaring or further stressing her out?

[DazedandConfused8]

It sounds like you guys are experiencing the same relationship differently. He wants the comfort of having someone he can call and be with whenever he asks for it, yet doesn’t always want to call you his “girlfriend.”

However, that’s somewhat to be expected considering his past experience with women and people with whom he’s had close relationships. Clearly, this is affecting you because you don’t know what your status is or what your future will be.

This is a cautious conversation you’re going to have to have with him. If this is negatively affecting you, then you need to tell him that it’s time to either make the next move to call yourselves a couple or just stay friends – and actually be friends.

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