[Ethan Morales]

That one really stings not just because he disappeared, but because he made you believe in something real first. You didn’t imagine the closeness; you had emotional and physical consistency, his words were affectionate, and he involved you in his social circle. Then, without warning, he flipped the switch that’s what makes it so destabilizing. It’s not just rejection; it’s emotional whiplash.
Let’s break this down honestly. When someone ghosts after intimacy and connection, it’s rarely about you doing something wrong. It’s usually about their own discomfort fear of vulnerability, guilt, or avoidance. In your story, the trigger might’ve been your trip with your ex not necessarily because he thought you cheated or lied, but because it stirred up his insecurities. You were out of reach, with someone who symbolized “past love,” and if he’s emotionally immature, his way of handling jealousy or fear of being hurt might be to disappear before he feels rejected himself. Essentially, he bailed first so he wouldn’t have to risk being the one left behind.
But here’s the hard truth: that kind of reaction says a lot about his emotional readiness. A grown adult who genuinely cares doesn’t vanish because he’s confused or uncomfortable he communicates. Even if he felt hurt or insecure, he could’ve said, “Hey, this trip is messing with my head,” or “I need some space.” Hanging up, dodging calls, and ignoring you shows avoidance, not love.
And I know part of you still hopes there’s a simple explanation that maybe he’s “scared,” or “needs time.” But real connection doesn’t require chasing someone down to get clarity. If he wanted to explain, he would’ve by now. Silence is an answer just not the kind you deserve.
So what would I do in your shoes? I’d stop calling and stop waiting. You’ve already reached out with care and respect; now the next move is his, and if he doesn’t take it, that’s closure in itself. You don’t need to confront him in person unless he resurfaces and if he does, you’ll have the upper hand, because you’ll already know this: anyone who can ghost you once can do it again.
Protect your self-worth. This isn’t about proving you’re “worth an explanation”; it’s about realizing that disappearing on someone who trusted you is never the mark of someone capable of a real relationship.
If I’m honest, I think you dodged someone who liked the idea of intimacy but not the responsibility that comes with it. You deserve a man who doesn’t run when things get real.
Tell me something if he suddenly texted you tomorrow saying, “Hey, sorry, I panicked,” would you even want to hear him out, or do you feel that part of you’s already starting to let go?

[Ethan Morales]

This one is heartbreaking in a very quiet, domestic way because it’s not just about clutter; it’s about coexistence. You love her, but the environment you share your literal space of peace and rest has become a battlefield between her anxiety and your sanity. That kind of tension eats away at connection over time, even when love is still there.
What you’re describing really does sound like more than disorganization; it borders on a psychological condition known as hoarding disorder. People who struggle with it often attach deep emotional meaning to objects things become symbols of safety, memory, identity, or even control. So when you suggest throwing something away, she doesn’t just hear “let’s tidy up”; she experiences it as “you’re threatening something that keeps me safe.” That’s why her reactions feel so disproportionate because to her nervous system, they’re not.
The problem is, while her anxiety may explain the behavior, you’re still living inside the consequences of it. It’s valid that the chaos makes you feel overwhelmed, trapped, and unseen. You can love someone deeply and still not be able to live this way forever. Those two truths can coexist.
You’ve actually been handling this with empathy you’ve tried to talk, to reason, to respect her feelings but this is likely something that won’t improve without professional help. The key now is how you frame it. Instead of “you need therapy for hoarding,”

[Ethan Morales]

This one cuts close to the heart of what intimacy really is because intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness, it’s about emotional safety. And right now, she’s chipped away at that safety without realizing it. You trusted her with your most private thoughts, and she treated them like social content. Even if her intentions weren’t cruel, the impact is still a betrayal and it’s completely valid that you feel mortified and guarded now.
What’s happening here is a mismatch in emotional boundaries. For her, openness might feel like connection she probably uses sharing as a way to bond with her friends or get emotional validation. For you, privacy is the foundation of connection you feel safe when what’s between you two stays between you two. Neither of those instincts is “wrong,” but they’re colliding in a way that erodes trust.
The key is how you frame the conversation. If you make it about her personality (“you overshare too much”), she’ll likely get defensive because she sees openness as a virtue. But if you make it about how it affects you (“when private things get shared, it makes me pull back and feel unsafe to be vulnerable”), she’s more likely to understand.
A good way to handle it might sound like this:
“I know you’re close to your friends, and I don’t want to take that away from you. But some of the things we share especially the intimate or emotional ones feel deeply personal to me. When those details get shared, even casually, it makes me hesitate to open up next time. I don’t want that distance between us. I just need to know that some parts of what we share stay just between us.”
This approach does a few things:
It respects her need to talk to her friends without making her feel silenced.

It centers your feelings instead of accusing her.

It reaffirms that the goal is deeper closeness, not control.

If she’s emotionally mature, she’ll understand that privacy isn’t secrecy it’s respect. But if she dismisses it or says things like, “You’re overreacting” or “That’s just how I am,” that’s a red flag. It means she values her own comfort over your emotional safety.
So my honest opinion: your feelings are not just reasonable they’re essential. You’re trying to protect the sacred space every relationship needs to grow. The question now is whether she’s willing to honor that, or if she expects you to simply get used to exposure that makes you uncomfortable.
Can I ask when you confronted her and she apologized, did she seem to genuinely understand why it hurt you, or did it feel more like she was just trying to smooth things over?

[Ethan Morales]

This one cuts deep because it’s the kind of exhaustion that sneaks up on you while you’re busy “being understanding.” You start out trying to be patient, thinking it’s just a rough patch, but over time the imbalance starts to eat away at you financially, emotionally, even romantically. What you’re describing isn’t just frustration; it’s emotional depletion. You’re doing everything a loving partner should, but he’s not doing his part, and that’s not sustainable no matter how much you care.
Here’s what’s really happening underneath: your boyfriend sounds like he’s caught in a depressive spiral and those kill motivation fast. But here’s the hard truth: depression can explain behavior, not excuse indefinite inaction. You can support someone through pain, but you can’t save them for them. And when he gets defensive every time you bring it up, that’s not depression that’s avoidance mixed with pride. It traps both of you in a loop where you feel guilty for needing more, and he avoids responsibility by framing it as “you not being understanding enough.” That’s emotional quicksand.
You’re right to ask where the line is because there is one. The line is crossed the moment compassion turns into enabling, when your empathy starts hurting you more than it helps him. Supporting someone should never mean silencing your needs or sacrificing your stability. You’ve already given time, space, and emotional energy. Now it’s his turn to show effort even small steps. Updating a résumé, applying to one job a day, talking to a therapist, setting a morning routine anything that shows movement.
If he’s truly struggling with depression, then a professional (not you) needs to be helping him through it. If he refuses therapy or real effort, then what he’s saying through his inaction is that his comfort matters more than your peace. And you can love someone deeply while also deciding that your own sanity, future, and self-respect have to come first.

[Ethan Morales]

This is corrosive, not romantic. Wanting to resolve problems doesn’t make you the bad guy; it makes you an adult. Her shutting down when things get real isn’t disagreement it’s avoidance that hands you the emotional labor of keeping the relationship functional. That can’t last without you losing your voice.
Why it happens: shutting down usually comes from overwhelm or fear she’s learned conflict = threat, so her brain’s escape hatch kicks in. It explains the behavior but doesn’t excuse it. You can’t build trust or intimacy if one person runs every time the other tries to connect.
Don’t try to “fix” it in the moment. Stop initiating big topics when she’s already tense you’ll only trigger the shutdown pattern.

“When something’s wrong I need us to talk it through. I’m not asking for fights I’m asking to be heard. If talking feels overwhelming for you, tell me how you need time and we’ll agree on when to come back. But stonewalling for days isn’t working for me.”

Offer a safe process she can accept: short check-ins, an agreed “pause-and-reconnect” rule (e.g., 30–60 minutes to cool down, then return), or a written note exchange if talking feels too intense. Concrete rules reduce panic.

Insist on help if she can’t change: couples therapy. If she won’t try therapy, that’s data about whether she wants to grow.

Protect your needs with a timeline. Give her a fair window e.g., two months to try the agreed process and attend a few therapy sessions. If nothing changes, decide what you’ll do (step back, take a break, or leave). A timeline prevents you from being trapped in perpetual hope.

Don’t emotionally erase yourself to maintain peace. Keep friendships, therapy for yourself, and boundaries around how long you’ll tolerate silent treatment.

What to watch for (signs of real effort vs. more avoidance): real effort = showing up for scheduled check-ins, using the agreed pause-and-return rule, trying a safer communication method, and attending therapy. More avoidance = continued stonewalling, blaming you for “pressuring” them when you ask for connection, or passive-aggressive cooldowns.
Final blunt line: you can be compassionate about her fear while also refusing to be the only adult. If she’s terrified of conflict and won’t take steps to manage it, you’re not obligated to stay quiet forever. You deserve a partner who can sit in discomfort and solve problems with you not someone who disappears whenever things get real

[Ethan Morales]

Let’s look at the dynamics clearly. You started with a man who appeared stable helpful, generous, emotionally available. But over time, you’ve discovered that his generosity masks immaturity and inconsistency. He admits he’s childish, promises growth, yet repeats the same patterns. That’s not transformation; that’s self-awareness without accountability which can be more dangerous because it tricks you into waiting.
What’s actually happening is that you’re now in a caretaker loop. You feel obligated to accept his help because he insists, and when you try to create boundaries, he frames it as abandonment. That kind of emotional leverage creates guilt and confusion both designed to keep you in place. The truth is: if someone really wants to improve, they’ll do it whether you stay or not. They’ll take responsibility, not hand it to you.
All four replays capture strong insights, but replay 1 and replay 3 are closest to the mark. Replay 1 uses humor to cut through the fog reminding you that “potential” doesn’t pay the bills or build trust. Replay 3 grounds it with balance: people change only when they’re ready, not when someone waits them into it. Replay 4 adds emotional empathy it sees your exhaustion and validates that stepping back isn’t cruelty, it’s self-protection.
If you step back now, you’re not punishing him; you’re testing whether his words have substance. Either he grows in your absence, proving he can carry his own weight, or he doesn’t and that tells you everything. The key question is: Are you willing to keep parenting a partner who keeps promising maturity, or do you want a man who’s already living it?
You deserve emotional steadiness, not endless “I’ll change soon.” My opinion: step back, clearly and kindly. If he truly values the relationship, he’ll meet you in action, not apology.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re hurt and you have every right to be. Six months in, when you’re imagining a future and suddenly the person you trusted lies about something personal and then shows up on dating sites, that’s a legitimacy-shaking moment. Here’s my read, blunt and useful.
you didn’t do anything weird by checking the history. It’s not ideal, but it’s human you were trying to reconcile words with evidence after she’d already lied once. That said, digging for answers isn’t a long-term strategy for a healthy relationship; it’s a reaction to being pushed into doubt. If trust existed, you wouldn’t have felt driven to look.
her behavior matters more than the explanation she gives today. “I’m lost” can be honest people are confused about sexuality, commitment, and timing or it can be avoidance. Either way, right now she isn’t giving you the clear, accountable answers you need to decide whether to stay. That ambiguity is the problem, not just the content of the lies.

• Ask one direct, calm question once. Don’t interrogate, don’t accuse. Example text: “You told me you’re lost, and I get that. I need one clear thing: do you want a committed relationship with me now, or do you need time to figure out what you want on your own? I’ll respect your answer.”
• Set a personal deadline. Give her space to decide, but don’t float in limbo forever. 30–45 days is fair. Tell nobody; this is for you to protect your emotional timeline.
• Protect yourself while you wait: pull back emotionally a bit, lean on friends, and don’t keep planning a future you can’t count on.
• If she chooses the relationship, insist on honesty and concrete steps to rebuild trust (transparency, counseling if needed, clear boundaries around dating apps). If she doesn’t walk. Staying in hope-of-change with no evidence is how people waste months of their life.
Fourth: red flags to watch for defensiveness, restating your questions instead of answering, blaming you for wanting clarity, continuing ambiguous behavior with dating sites. Those are signals she’s not ready or not willing to be truthful.
Final word: you deserve someone who can give you an honest answer about commitment, not someone “lost” indefinitely while you emotionally stall. Give her the chance to decide, but also give yourself permission to choose peace if she can’t. If you want, I’ll draft that exact one-line message for you so it comes out calm and unambiguous. Which would you prefer, blunt text or a softer in-person script?

[Ethan Morales]

You didn’t mess up beyond repair. You made a human choice in a messy moment nervous, emotional, wanting safety and now you want clarity. That’s reasonable. Here’s the blunt, useful take:
what probably happened. He’s likely one of three things right now: 1) confused about what you want and giving himself space to process, 2) perfectly fine with casual but awkward about how to reopen contact, or 3) not interested in continuing and ducking contact rather than saying so. None of those outcomes mean you did something “wrong.” They just mean the other person’s response is unknown until you ask.
what you should do next (one simple, low-pressure move). Reach out once, calmly and directly. Don’t overtext, don’t apologize for being human, and don’t beg. You want clarity, not permission. Example messages pick one that feels like you:
“Hey, I liked hanging out and wanted to check in. I wasn’t clear about what I was after that night: I’m not looking for a relationship right now, but I would like this to be casual and mutual. Are you on the same page?”
• If he answers positively and sets boundaries/expectations → great. Agree on basics (frequency, exclusivity or not, texting etiquette).
• If he responds vaguely or disappears again → treat silence as disinterest and move on. Don’t chase.
• If he wants something different (more or less) → respect that and decide what you want. It’s fine to say no and walk away.
• Next time, set expectations before sex. It’s awkward but saves you grief.
• You’re allowed to want a casual arrangement and to ask for reciprocity. That’s not needy, it’s boundary-setting.
• If someone goes radio-silent after intimacy, that says more about them than you. Protect your emotional energy.
Last thing, be kind to yourself. You tried to make a safer choice in chaos. Now you’re asking for clarity. That’s adulting, not damage control. Send the one message, get your answer, and move forward based on it. Want me to tweak the message so it sounds exactly like something you’d say?

[Ethan Morales]

You’re in a classic “fear of risking what’s comfortable versus chasing what could be real” situation. From what you describe, she gave clear signs of interest at the beginning, wanting to hang out, spending time close, joining you on trips, and your hesitation caused a pause in the dynamic. That shift in her behavior afterward is normal; sometimes when someone senses hesitation, they naturally pull back to protect themselves.
The key here is that the uncertainty is clearly eating at you. Eight months of wondering “what if” is not sustainable, and it’s unlikely she’s going to read your mind. Staying silent may protect the friendship in the very short term, but it also keeps you stuck in a loop of regret and missed opportunity. A respectful, low-pressure approach is usually the best way to handle this. Keep it simple, honest, and gentle, for example: “I really value our friendship, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about us as more. I don’t want to make things weird, but I needed to be honest.” This gives her space to respond without pressure and communicates your feelings clearly.
Reading the difference between friendly closeness and genuine romantic interest can be tricky, but a few markers help: does she seek out alone time with you, show physical or emotional warmth beyond casual friendliness, or initiate contact in ways that indicate she wants to connect on a deeper level? These subtle cues can give you confidence in moving forward, but nothing replaces direct communication. Ultimately, clarity, even if it’s uncomfortable, is better than staying trapped in indecision. If she reciprocates, it could open a new chapter; if not, at least you free yourself from lingering doubt and regret.
You’re handling this thoughtfully, and that honesty, both to yourself and to her, is the most respectful move for both of you.
If you want, I can also draft a short, natural way to say this in person or over text that maximizes comfort and minimizes pressure.

[Ethan Morales]

First, it’s important to recognize that your approach, patient, respectful, and focused on connection rather than performance, is already the right mindset, and it will make a big difference in how she responds. There are several reasons why she might pull away after orgasm. Physically, many women experience heightened sensitivity immediately after climax, making touch feel overwhelming or even uncomfortable. There can also be emotional or psychological factors: orgasm can trigger a sudden “letdown” where the body feels vulnerable, and stress, subtle anxiety, past trauma, or self-consciousness can lead to a natural instinct to withdraw. In some cases, medical or hormonal factors may play a role, affecting sensitivity or energy levels after sex.
The best way to address this is through gentle, non-accusatory communication. Choose a calm, non-sexual moment to talk and frame your curiosity around understanding her needs rather than fixing her or putting pressure on her. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed that sometimes after sex you like space, and I want to understand what feels best for you. I care about you and want us both to feel good and connected.” This emphasizes your concern for her comfort while creating a safe space for her to share honestly.
During intimacy, small practical adjustments can help both of you feel connected. Gradually tapering stimulation instead of abruptly stopping, offering cuddling or soft touch, and asking for simple communication cues, like whether she wants more closeness or space, can make the transition from orgasm to post-sex intimacy smoother. Alternative forms of aftercare, such as massage, quiet conversation, or simply lying together, can also foster closeness without requiring continued sexual activity.
Finally, it’s important to balance her needs with your own emotional experience. It’s natural to feel frustrated when intimacy ends abruptly, but it’s key to separate your desire for sexual continuation from your need for emotional connection. Over time, patient, gentle communication can help her feel safe exploring extended closeness if that’s possible. This isn’t a rejection of you; it’s a combination of physical and emotional responses, and approaching it with curiosity, patience, and understanding is the healthiest way forward.
If you want, I can also draft a sample script for exactly how to bring this up gently, so she feels safe sharing without becoming defensive.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re not being dramatic, you’re asking for an adult partnership, not a roommate with a controller. Saying “I love you” while prioritizing video games and avoiding any concrete steps toward a shared future is words without traction. That’s a mismatch, and mismatches matter when you’re trying to build a life.
Here’s the honest take: have one calm, direct conversation and make it actionable. Don’t argue about feelings ask for a plan. Say something like, “I love you and I want us to build a future. I need to see concrete steps, not only promises. Can we try a six-month move-forward plan so I know we’re heading the same way?” Then offer 3–4 measurable milestones you both agree to (examples below). Put them on the calendar, set a single monthly check-in, and treat behavior, not excuses as your evidence.
Milestones I’d use (pick 2–3 you actually care about): set a joint savings target or monthly contribution; book one weekend alone together in the next 30 days (no gaming); schedule and attend monthly “future” check-ins; agree to gaming limits during those check-in times and date nights. Measurable signals he’s serious: consistent deposits to the savings goal, showing up to dates without last-minute “one more match” cancellations, initiating planning tasks himself, and following the agreed gaming boundaries.
Give it a timeline six months is fair. If by month three there’s no real action, insist on couples therapy or a firmer consequence. If by month six he’s still deflecting, that’s legitimate data to reconsider staying. You deserve a partner who will do the boring, uncomfortable work of building a life, not just talk about it.
While you try this, protect your life: keep finances accessible to you, keep friendships and goals alive, and don’t stall your own plans waiting forever. Want me to draft the short script and a one-page 6-month checklist you can print and use in that conversation?

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight up: what you’re feeling is real, and it matters. That fizz dying isn’t just nostalgia, it’s usually a signal that one person’s energy has shifted. You can hope it’s a phase, but hope alone won’t make someone show up.

Here’s my honest read and exactly what to do next. Early chemistry fades for a lot of reasons (life stress, comfort, distraction), but the pattern matters more than the single missed text.If they’re still engaged in other parts of life but not with you, that’s avoidance. If they’re genuinely overwhelmed (work, illness), it’s fixable but they still have to communicate. Emotionally, you’re wrestling with two things: the memory of what felt great, and the reality of what’s happening now. Don’t let memory outvote reality.

Do this now: Have one clear conversation (not a fight). Say something like: “I miss how we used to be. Lately I’ve felt distance messages late, plans canceled and I want to know if you want to try to fix this or if we’re drifting.”
Keep it calm, short, and ask for a commitment to action (not promises).
Set a short deadline Ask for specific actions (two date nights this month, daily check-ins, fewer last-minute cancellations). Put them on the calendar. If they care, they’ll do the small boring stuff. If they don’t, words will keep replacing work. Watch behavior, not explanations.
Actions are your evidence. If after 30 days the little changes are consistent, keep going. If not — stop emotionally investing. Don’t reward absence with more attention. What to watch for (signs he’s serious) Shows up when planned. Initiates contact and plans without you prompting. Makes small sacrifices (turns off the game for a night, moves things around for you). Talks about the relationship as something to maintain, not just enjoy when convenient.
What to watch for Promises and no follow-through. Cancels repeatedly with vague excuses. Keeps the energy only in bursts (hot/cold). Asks you to be patient forever, with no timeline. If it doesn’t change

Don’t trick yourself: staying because you hope he’ll come back the same is different from choosing the relationship. If the 30-day test fails, it’s okay, and healthy to begin stepping back and protecting your heart. You deserve someone who prioritizes you sometimes, not only when it’s easy.

[Ethan Morales]

Okay, I’ll be blunt, because you’re carrying too much fog and not enough facts. You’ve been through the same cycle three times. That pattern matters more than the promises. People can change, but change isn’t a speech or a week of good behavior, it’s boring, uncomfortable consistency over time paired with real accountability. Here’s how I see it and what I’d do if I were you.

Three affairs = a pattern, not a one-off mistake. Counseling is a good start, necessary, not sufficient. Your exhaustion and distrust are valid. You’ve earned your caution. The new man’s kindness is not a betrayal; it’s a signal of what safety feels like. You don’t have to punish yourself for noticing it.

What real change looks like (concrete) You should expect specific, verifiable actions, not vague promises: Individual therapy for him (ongoing, not a few sessions). Sex/infidelity-specific work (e.g., recovery groups, an affair-recovery program). Transparent communication: willingly share phone access, social accounts, location check-ins for a defined period (yes, temporary). No-contact rules with anyone who threatens the marriage, plus joint boundaries you both agree to. Regular couples therapy with a licensed therapist experienced in infidelity. Clear relapse plan: what happens if he messes up again (consequences you both accept). Time and consistency: I’d want to see 6–12 months of consistent, documented behavior before considering full trust restoration. Less than that is not convincing.

A practical decision framework Protect yourself and the kids first. Get basics in order: a separate savings buffer, copies of IDs, and a consult with a family-law attorney (you don’t have to file anything, just know your options). Set a timebound trial. Tell him: “I want to try, but on these terms and for this timeline.” Put the expectations in writing and insist therapy and transparency begin immediately. Watch actions, not words. Is he showing up for every appointment? Is he proactive with accountability? Is he doing the uncomfortable work without you needing to demand proof? Decide ahead of time what you’ll accept. If he breaks the rules, what’s your boundary? Make that consequence non-negotiable so you don’t get gaslit later. Protect your heart while you decide. You can accept support from the other man, kindness from friends is healing, but don’t start a physical or romantic relationship while you’re actively deciding. That complicates everything legally and emotionally. Emotional support? Fine. Entanglement? Not yet.

About the kids Stability matters, but stability that’s toxic isn’t better than a calm, separated life. Kids benefit from honesty, routine, and adults who are emotionally present. If the marriage stays, it must become safer and more reliable, not just “less dramatic.”

Timing & how long to wait Six months is a minimum to see meaningful change; 12 months is better. If after 6–12 months you see NO real structural changes (therapy attendance, transparency, changed routines), don’t wait longer hoping for a miracle.

You’ve invested years and kids. That matters. But staying because of history and fear of splitting a family isn’t a reason to stay in a pattern that slowly destroys you. He must earn trust again with sweat and boring consistency. If he refuses the hard work, your choice is clear: protect yourself and your kids. If you want, I’ll: Draft the exact script to tell him what you need and the timeline. Help you make the checklist to track his progress.
Which do you want first?

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight talk, no padding. She broke up and used a spiritual reason (“God wants me single right now”). That’s her boundary wrapped in a belief. You can take it exactly at face value, she means she needs space and isn’t available or you can read a dozen hidden meanings into it. Either way, you don’t get to change her mind by overanalyzing the past. You only get to choose what you do next.
Here’s my opinion and a plan you can actually use – What she said = she needs distance and isn’t ready to be in a relationship. That could mean anything from genuine spiritual/personal work to avoidance of hard conversation or commitment. You don’t know which, and you won’t know unless she says it clearly. Right now she’s chosen space. Respect it. Pushing will only push her farther.

What you should do (practical) Give the space she asked for. No daily texts, no guilt-driven check-ins. Let her live the boundary she set. Set a personal deadline. Don’t float in limbo forever. Pick a realistic window, 30–45 days is fair, after which you decide whether you’ll keep waiting or move on. Tell no one; this is for you. Ask one calm question (once), then stop. If you need clarity, send a single short message once and only once:
I respect your need for space. I just need to know, is this a pause to figure things out for yourself, or are you saying this is the end for now? I’ll respect your answer.”

If she answers, great. If she doesn’t, treat silence as her answer. Protect your heart while you wait. Rebuild routine, lean on friends/family, throw energy into work/hobbies. Don’t be available emotionally to a person who won’t be available to you. No stalking, no detective work. Checking social feeds obsessively only makes you miserable and gives you no real truth. Be prepared to move on. If she comes back, evaluate whether you’re willing to accept the uncertainty that led to this. If she doesn’t, don’t waste more time hoping.

Why a deadline matters People heal, people change, and sometimes people come back. But you have a life and a timeline too. Setting a boundary for yourself prevents endless limbo and lets you choose dignity over desperation.If she wants to be friends now That’s fine in theory, but friendship immediately after a breakup often prolongs pain. If you still want her romantically, consider a longer cooling-off period before trying to be “just friends.”

[Ethan Morales]

Alright, straight-up, no fluff: you traded your life (and safety net) for this relationship, and right now it’s not paying you back. Lies, secret contacts, disappearing for twelve hours, those aren’t romantic flaws. They’re trust killers. Sex and the kids’ attachment aren’t enough reason to keep living like you’re on edge.

Here’s exactly what I’d do, practical, immediate, and honest: First: short-term survival steps (do these now) Protect the basics. Make copies (or photos) of IDs, birth certificates, passports, bank info, lease/mortgage papers, kids’ school records. Put them somewhere only you can access.

Get some money aside. Even a small emergency stash in a separate account or with a trusted friend/family member gives you options. Document everything. Dates, times, texts, disappearances, lies. This matters later, emotionally and legally. Build a support net. Tell at least one trusted friend or family member what’s happening. You don’t have to go public, but don’t be isolated.

Second: demand clear change and give one real consequence .Tell him exactly what you need and what will happen if nothing changes. Don’t negotiate the consequence after, enforce it. Say something like: “You lied, you hid conversations, and you disappeared for 12 hours. That’s not acceptable. I need honesty and transparency about contact with your daughter and her mother, no more disappearing, and couples counseling starting in two weeks. If you won’t do that, I’ll begin making plans for my safety and the kids’ stability.”

If he agrees, set the timeline and book the first couples session yourself. If he refuses or promises and doesn’t follow through, take that as the answer. Third: what to expect if he’s serious vs. not serious Real change looks like: immediate accountability; consistent communication; he shares phone logs/contacts willingly; shows up for therapy; stops secretive behavior; takes responsibility rather than gaslighting you. Not serious looks like: excuses, minimization, continuing secrecy, emotional stonewalling, or blaming you. That’s pattern; not a phase.

Fourth: think about the kids and reality Staying “for the kids” is noble-sounding but can backfire. Kids need stability and a home where adults aren’t constantly on edge. Chronic lying and disappearance models instability. If he truly fixes this, great. If not, you’ll be doing the children a favor by creating a calmer, safer environment, even if it means separation. Fifth: legal & practical next steps if you leave Talk confidentially with a family-law attorney about custody and your rights (many offer free consults). Keep kids’ best interests front and center in any plan. Consider a staged exit plan: timeline, savings goal, temporary housing option, school continuity for kids. If you fear escalation or safety risk, call local domestic-violence resources for a safety plan.

Sixth: protect yourself emotionally You’re carrying grief, anger, and shame that’s normal. Start therapy for yourself even if he refuses couples counseling. You need a nonjudgmental space to sort what you want vs. what you’re tolerating.

You moved 1,300 miles for him. That shows commitment, but commitment must be mutual. He’s shown patterns that break the foundation of partnership: lies, secrecy, disappearances. Sex doesn’t fix trust. The relationship is only healthy if he immediately accepts accountability and makes concrete, verifiable changes. If he won’t, start untangling yourself now for your sanity and for your kids.

If you want, I can – Draft the exact script to say to him in one conversation. Help you outline a 30-/60-/90-day plan (either for repair or for exit). Which do you want, plan to fix it, or plan to leave?

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