[Young at Heart]

[quote=”April Masini”]….It sounds like the fact that your wife is …..moving in the right direction — towards you, and not away from you.

…I suspect it’s been difficult for her to open up about her pain because she feels guilty and ashamed about not giving you the sex life you want, so her own pain gets buried and complicated by these other derivative feelings.

Stay focused on your love of your wife, and don’t give up because it sounds like she wants you and is trying to get to you in the way you want her, but she’s on a different clock.

…Keep me in the loop so I can support you, too.[/quote]

We have now had four sex therapy sessions plus a full weekend couples workshop (Gottman Institute).

We are now having sex about twice a week and I am getting touched in ways that make me feel more loved than I have in years. We have taken the Chapman 5 Languages of Love test and made sure that I am showing her love in her languages and shat she is showing me love in my primary and secondary languages of love.

Your comments were “on target” in that her pain was significant and deep over things that had happened decades ago (my lack of helping her around the house when our children were small) and her withdrawing from our relationship, which triggered my giving her more space, which created a cycle of withdrawing from each other. She has felt horrible and called herself a sexual failure, even when she wasn’t, because she just didn’t want to feel close to me. Her sex therapist reminded her that few women would want to make love to someone they were angry with; sex is suppose to be for someone you have positive feelings for.

We have forgiven each other and focused on making the future better. We have also adopted a number of exercises to bring each other closer and focus on each other. I feel so close to her now and she has told me that she feels a comfort in being open and intimate with me that she has not felt in decades.

Thank you for reminding me to put my relationship into the hands of a competent sex theapist and to communicate and focus on the positive. The differences in “clock” as you put it were one of the hardest things I had to deal with. Long term marriages can be saved (or at least I believe ours can be if we just keep up what we have been doing).

[Young at Heart]

[quote=”April Masini”]It would be wrong for me to interfere or advise you on your sex therapy since you have already committed to a sex therapist and will meet with him or her and get a diagnosis and a course of treatment. ……..I advise you to focus your treatment and course of therapy on the process you establish with your chosen therapist.

That said, what I can advise you is to keep the course of communication open, and be patient. It’s important that you’re open with your wife regardless of her behavior. When you do want her, tell her and show her that you want her, and when you’re hurt by her rejection or disinterest, tell her how you feel…..

……She will have her own course of recovery of your sex life together than you will, so just because you don’t see her doing what you’re doing to get back on track, doesn’t mean she’s not working her own process.

I hope that helps — good luck with the sex therapy. Please let me know how things go.[/quote]

Your advice was very good and I thank you. I have thrown myself into the exercises provided by our therapist. I have now had two sex therapy sessions with my wife.

After each session I feel love and commitment from my wife. It doesn’t always last, but the sessions give me hope. There is some progress being made and for that I am greatful. Still no sex, but some hugs and some non-genital touching from my wife.

I also didn’t realize how much emotional pain my wife was in or the depth of her self-image issues and fears.

While patience is not one of my virtures, I now understand that things will take a while to improve. Your comment on my wife having to find her own process is right on track.

Thank you again.

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