[anonymouse2843]

[quote=”s277051″]I slept with him for the first time this weekend and the sex was great, but now he is acting different. He just isn’t texting me as much. Its only been a day and he works at night bartending so I know he can be busy.[/quote]

I’m a guy. Please take this wake-up call. He’s a bartender? Acting different since sleeping with you? All warning signs. Don’t count on this guy. Bar tenders are notorious for having wandering eyes. It’s in their profession – imagine meeting so many people every night. As for behaving different: Sex is a BIG motivator for guys. It’s not the only thing, but a guy will do almost anything to get someone in bed. It blinds us. After the sex, a guy will start to think a bit more with his head than he does his dick. If he is suddenly very different after having sex, then the chances are he might not / probably isn’t that in to you.

Girls can be complex to read. Guys are straight forward. Please don’t believe this ‘I’m busy’ bullsh*t. If he likes you, he’ll make it obvious. Being busy doesn’t factor into it.

I wish it wasn’t the case. Sorry 😳

[anonymouse2843]

Thank you April. I woke up this morning and now everything is back to normal – even better than normal – he is all over me, looking after me to the point of extreme, being SO nice and caring, it’s just such a turn around. I felt like crying and told him “Why can’t you be like this all the time?” He smiled and replied “I’ll try” and kept hugging and kissing me, and made me breakfast.. It’s so hard to leave someone you love when they’re being so nice and loving in return. Is this still your advice?

[anonymouse2843]

Ahh dear… its all gone kinda flipped half back again.. he today told me that he has been ‘fighting’ who he really is and can’t continue to fight it, he wants me to appreciate him for who he ‘really is’ – and he says if that means some months he doesn’t want sex, some months he does, then thats just who he is. He also said that some months he will want and give loads of affection and some months he just won’t, won’t give me a hug or anything, and won’t want any in return – he said he’s a ‘complex person’, a bit like a cat, and that I should either accept it or leave. I asked him “why were you not like this for the first 3 years we were together?” and he didn’t really have an answer for me. He says “I’m just weird and moody, that’s who I am, I’m sorry, I really don’t want to hurt you which is why I’m going to stop making all these promises to be someone I’m not – because I’ve discovered I can’t keep these promises.” Tonight when we were having sex, he burried his head in the pillow, wouldn’t let me kiss him, and didn’t seem to be enjoying it. So I stopped and asked him “what’s wrong?” he shouted at me and told me not to stop. I am just so confused by this point. We’ve been together 3 and a half years, why is all of this suddenly happening after 3 years together. I thought this was finally sorted.

[anonymouse2843]

Hi April,

It reached the point where I split up with him but he didn’t believe I was really doing it. In the middle of the night I went crazy and just started smashing photos, I wanted to be rid of this joke of a relationship and couldn’t believe how he used to be so different. He has now changed his mind again (again, again), and is now saying he is happy to go counseling. He has suddenly turned around completely and has been being all nice, huggy and cuddly with me and is having sex again. He says he loves me so much and can’t bear the thought of losing me – and that he wants me to be happy. I’m pretty sure this whole thing was a psychological thing for him, as opposed to physical or medical. Everything seems to be back to normal. I feel relieved, although exhausted!

[anonymouse2843]

I do feel that I’m worth more than this, it makes me angry. But I don’t want to lose him and just don’t know what to do?

[anonymouse2843]

Thanks April! We are in our late 20s.

I have explained to him how much it is hurting me, and he just aplogises and apologises. He says he loves me so much and doesn’t want the relationship to end, but that he doesn’t know what he can do. He thinks he is ‘weird’ and has always had mood changes, but that he doesn’t understand why he is not wanting any physical affection (sex or hugs) for so long. He says he doesn’t know what to do, and doesn’t want to lose me. He says he can’t force himself to be affectionate, and to be honest I wouldn’t want him to – I’d want him to want to. He says he doesn’t want to see a counselor or a doctor. He said ‘No. I think this is just me. I don’t know. I don’t see how a counselor can help. It will only make things worse.’ I have tried to reason with him, saying things can’t get much worse, but he will not go. I told him I’d be happy to go with him, or if he wanted, I’d see one as well. I finally managed to persuade him to ‘think about it’.

He seems to genuinely care and genuinely want to sort it out, but is he willing to take the steps to do so? I don’t seem to be able to persuade him that there *are* any steps he can take. He just won’t believe me that the doctor or counsellor might be able to help, and thinks they might make it worse. And every minute, the explanations he says, changes. He is obviously confused. He has always been a personality who bottles things up – and then explodes in a big reaction and I wonder if this lack of sex drive is his latest way of expressing and letting everything out. I’m the opposite – I discuss things openly as they happen and get over it quickly. I know that a counsellor will help him, not just with our relationship but in his life. But I don’t know how to get him to go.

I’m so confused, so hurt, and frustrated, and so tired of playing guessing games. I don’t know what to do with this situation. Should I give him an ultimatum? ‘Go see a Counsellor/GP or I’ll leave you’? The idea of giving an ultimatum makes me feel like a horrible person.

What is going on is almost more painful than him just splitting up with me and being done with me. It feels like I’m being strung along as a ‘best friend’ for weeks and so frustrating to constantly want more than he does. As much as this is hurting me, I don’t think I could ever leave him.

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