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Dear readers and forum members:

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[Standard] Will she forgive me?

#1
I've made the biggest mistake of my life and i can't forgive myself.

I've been seeing this girl and she's great and showed me so much care and support. I'm 26 but it's the first time i've ever fallen in love. Recently her grandfather and dog died. She's overseas and far from home. I did my best to offer my support and help but because of my mental illness i ended up screwing up everything. I'm bipolar and too much mania or stress makes me go a little psychotic. A person close to me died some years ago and whenever i get too worried about someone i slightly lose contact with reality. I'm starting to imagine people close to me dying, being hurt or hurting themselves. I was worried about her whole day and night and eventually i got to the point where my rational mind took a break from being present and all i could feel was this was this overwhelming panic. I ended up contacting her mother (which i never met) and telling her that i am worried about her daughter and that she needs her.

I ended up causing her mum so much anguish. Without mentioning that her family is grieving right now. She regrets ever talking to me. I never meant to hurt her and i would never do it intentionally. Is it something that she can possibly forgive me or am i doomed? I really care about her and i will never forgive myself for what i've done. This is the worst thing i have ever done in my life, and i happened to do this to the person i care about the most.

Re: [Standard] Will she forgive me?

#2
Before you can be in a relationship, you have to take care of yourself. If you don't, the work you have not done on yourself, is going to show up in any relationship you get into. That's what happened here. You let your own feelings lead your behavior, and you acted in ways that were socially inappropriate. For instance, you crossed a boundary by calling the mother of this woman -- when you've never even met her, and you have only been dating her daughter for a month. For anyone peering into this relationship, what you did was throw up a red relationship flag that shows that you've got boundary issues. It sounds like, in addition, this woman's losses triggered feelings in you that created an emotional spiral that you were not well able to control. Bottom line: You have some work to do on yourself. If you want to be in a relationship with someone else, you have to take care of you, first.

I don't think this relationship is something you should focus on right now. You're not ready. And if you try to, it's going to blow up worse than it has. For instance, if something in her life triggers you again, you haven't done the work to deal with that dynamic. So before you get back to dating, you need to take care of your mental health, your physical health and your social health, first and foremost. When you do, and are further along in that process, you can try again -- either with this woman or someone else.
April Masini is a relationship and etiquette expert, author of 4 books and the #1 relationship advice forum, blue-chip corporate spokesperson and preferred go-to source for the world’s most prominent media and news outlets.