[jade]

Thank you for your advice. 🙂

[jade]

Thank you again for your response — even though ouch. I hear you. 😳 But where I am confused is that I don’t feel like I am lukewarm about the relationship. I feel like I am a bit afraid to show him how I feel because he seems lukewarm. I am crazy about him. For the first time in like forever I finally found someone I really really really like to spend time with. We have the same drama quotient. We have fun. We like to do the same things. I am crazy about him not lukewarm. The problem is I feel like he is lukewarm about me. He doesn’t ask me to do things — I ask him mostly — and I NEED to feel that he wants to be with me. But he isn’t showing those signs. He referred to me as his girlfriend last weekend. He never reached out to ask me out this weekend or to tell me he had to work. He pulled back. He treated me like an acquaintance at the gym. I am trying to be smart about this so I don’t get hurt. I REALLY don’t want to give up on the relationship. What is the thing I need to do if I want to keep trying? Is trying not realistic given your previous answer to me — that he’s not my Mr. Right? Is there something I can change in my expectations to make this work? Can I learn something from this relationship to be a better partner?

[jade]

Thank you April for your recent answer. My follow up is that last weekend he referred to me as his girlfriend. We were having dinner at my house. We were intimate after then he left to prepare for a bike ride we were doing together in the morning at 8 am. We rode that day 45 miles, then he suggested coming over to my house to shower and hang out. We watched at little TV then he suggested we be intimate. We did but he couldn’t as he said “finish the job” because he kept getting leg cramps from the ride. He left as it was a work day the next day. We stayed in contact all week by one line emails. But no phone contact. Since I had asked him in the bike ride and dinner the night before (the dinner was a day of invitation spontaneous after he joked about me fixing him dinner but the bike ride was planned from Wed or Thu) I was hoping he would ask me to do something this weekend. He even texted me good morning early Fri morning. But since I didn’t hear from him asking to do something I planned to go on a bike ride Sat with my bike club friends and one on Sunday too. He never asked me to do anything over the weekend. So We texted Sat before the ride and he was at work as usual and texted where are you because he expected to see me at the gym for a class. I told him I was riding and he said be safe. After the ride I texted him at 6:30pm how are you? and he responded that he was cleaning. I teased that my apt needed cleaning too. He responded Hello Mornings I work. nightimes I clean. I responded yes you work hard. Day and night. We always use emoticons with our emails and texts so I used the kiss that we have both used at times. No response. This morning I decided not to ride so I go to the gym for yoga class and find out he is working today. He usually has Sunday off. We exchanged pleasantries as if we were acquaintances not lovers let alone possibly boyfriend/girlfriend. No request to see me, nothing. I know actions speak louder than words. Is he pulling back? I don’t know what is going on but am disappointed in him not asking me to do something this weekend or at least communicating that he had to work. Again, I’m talking to a girlfriend and concluding with her help that he’s not right for me. I want to be with someone where the relationship grows. Can you advice? I’m not trying to jump the gun but there have been 5-6 times over the past 4 months where I told myself I should be trying to date online because I wasn’t happy with the emotional connection. I know we’re different nationalities, income levels, educational levels, plus he has no working papers or driver’s license. I really really like him so this is hard to decide to stay and accept less than I want or go — which would require telling him the next time he asks that I already have plans and I hope he’ll doing well (in other words, not having the talk and keeping it light).

[jade]

Fast forward to October 2012. We began seeing each other every other week, perhaps, due to work schedules and other commitments on both our parts. I had so much fun and was excited to see him when we got together. We were intimate after a couple of months. Now we have been seeing each other about three and a half months. Recently though I haven’t felt too happy because I have feelings for him now and am feeling that I need more connection than once a week with not too much in between. So I decided it would be better not to see him any more. I went to collect something I had left at his house – he offered to drive me with it home after i had asked him to leave it at the gym where he works and i would get it there. he never responded to that request so i called and he offered to drive me home because it was too big to walk home with. When we met I was distant and he wanted to talk and so we did and I told him I needed more connection and he asked what we could do to fix that and I said emails or seeing each
other for a walk or something in between. He said yes and took my hand and generally started to respond by making plans the next night and calling a little more and responding more to emails.

Now his daughter is visiting from Mexico for a week and I met her for dinner last week and I think it went well. At least I told him she was really great and he said she said the same thing about me. But now I am out of town and he called the next day after I met his daughter to say goodbye because I was going away for a week and he said let’s keep in contact. Now I am away with family and his daughter is visiting until Thursday. Since I left Sat morning I haven’t heard a word from him. Not a text, email or phone call. Should I stop seeing him completely and end it or am I being unrealistic about what I want – a committed connected relationship? Is he not into me? Should I stop seeing him completely or date other people at the same time – without informing him of course. Should I move on?

[jade]

SO, I explained to R that I wanted to wait until he was completely single before committing to a date. And that meant he was fully moved out and the key was returned to his former girlfriend. We spoke for about 40 minutes with him trying to convince me to see him before that. He ended up telling me that yes, he still had a key and yes, he has been to the former girlfriend’s house several times this week to bring more things over to his new apt, and it would take about three weeks to get all his remaining stuff there moved to a storage unit, and that he loved me so much and could not live without me, and there are beautiful women walking down the street and he sees them but isn’t interested in them, and he has been waiting his whole life for someone like me, and that I am being completely unreasonable. And he doesn’t see the problem in just having a hamburger with him. I held firm and he ended the phone conversation by saying he didn’t know if he could live that long (the three weeks it will take to move all the remaining stuff into storage) and goodbye.

I know I have to have a specific question and I know I probably just want confirmation again of my gut feeling about all of this, and you’ll probably give me a really short answer and I understand why (there is only so much advice you can give any one person!) but I wish you would please comment here. Am I being unreasonable? Is this a difference in, as you say with some situations, compatibility? Or what are our differences? Would most people just go on the date?

[jade]

So R moved out last weekend and now has his own apartment. He said he told his girlfriend he was moving out last Friday. He said she was upset and did not go to work that day. He said she helped him pack some of his stuff and they were together for the weekend. When I asked if he still had a key to the place he shared with the girlfriend, he did not reply. He said he still had things there. He had originally said he was going to move all of those things into a storage unit. He now says he has not used them in the past year. It seems to me he hasn’t moved everything out. I know he had a metal shop of some type in the basement. He had originally told me he had stuff on all four floors of the house because he’s lived there 20 years.

I agreed to have dinner with him tomorrow night. I am getting cold feet for the third time in the past month about this situation. I like him, but don’t know whether to see him or not. I don’t want drama and I don’t really know what his situation is with the (now ‘x’?) girlfriend. What should I do? Should I meet him? Should I find out more? Should I just say forget about it? I’ve told him three times I don’t think this is going to work and he keeps calling me. I want to try but I don’t want to get into a situation where there is unnecessary drama. All my friends and family are telling me to forget about it. What should I do?

[jade]

Thank you April and ebonypittman88 for your replies. April, would your response be different if he moved out and had his own place?

[jade]

Seems he’s being honest with you. Perhaps he could have just told you he needed to change the plans with no further details, but instead he’s giving you [i]a lot [/i][i]of info[/i] and also, kind of asking your permission. 🙄 He wants your approval to do something that he wants to do, which can be a bit annoying, yes? (Read: he doesn’t want you to get mad at him).

With that being said, New Year’s Eve is a pretty loaded night for a new relationship. And he’s not so invested in this relationship that he feels he has to spend that night with you…yet. Maybe he re-thought it and isn’t ready to take that step. He’s letting you know in plenty of time to make other plans. That’s good. And he’s framing it as “re-scheduling” not canceling. So, without [i]you[/i] investing so much, if you like him, take the high road, be generous, and give him the benefit of the doubt! A pleasant but non-committal reply such as “Have a great time enjoying your family!” should do it. Who wouldn’t want to be wished well when it comes to spending time with family? And it costs so little to send a quick email or text. Then go on with your life! Make such great New Year’s plans for yourself that should he hear of them, he’ll wish he was there! 😆 Then, in a detached kind of way, observe what happens next. If he follows through in January, great. If not, then what have you invested? Not so much. 😀

[jade]

I agree with April. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to [i]make friends[/i]. 😉
If you feel that you “suck” at it, it just means that it’s one of your challenges and you are being given the opportunity to practice — and make it better.

I used to feel like I didn’t need women friends and also that I wasn’t good at making friends. I came to realize that it takes time to build relationships — up to a year and counting! The best way is naturally — cultivate friends where you naturally gravitate. Join a gym and take classes a couple times a week. Enroll in a course in a subject you are intensely interested in. You’ll find natural conversations occur after awhile.

In other words, you just have to show up — and keep showing up — in places where you are comfortable to begin with.

Female friendships are great — they bridge other relationships — and help you keep your perspective on those
male/female issues! 😀

[jade]

Yes, run.

Strike 1: Texting during the date. Rude. 🙁
Strike 2: Son spying on the date. Weird. 😯
Strike 3: Needing approval from sons to date you. Confidence/boundary issues. 🙄

I don’t think she’s the first person to have a set of checks and balances in place while
meeting someone in person for the first time — after having only met online.
But she wasn’t smart to reveal that information to you. And she shouldn’t have sprung him
on you [i]by surprise [/i][i]and[/i][i] on the first date! [/i] 😮

You don’t say how long you chatted online. If it was a long time, maybe with the next person try to meet fairly soon so you don’t invest so much time online before meeting in person. Trust your instinct. Keep going.
Be glad you found out what you did so early on. 😀

[jade]

Just freakin’ ask her.

Oops, sorry to be so impatient. 🙂 But when we women kind of know you like us, but then you do [i][b]nothing[/b][/i], we’re like Drew Barrymore in [i]Fifty First Dates[/i] when she comes out of the restaurant with what’s-his-name. After a long long flirting session at the restaurant, he says goodbye and walks to his car, having [i][b]not[/b][/i] asked her out. She’s like, “Are you seriously kidding?!?…”

or

in the words of Nike, “Just do it!”

I suggest going back for lunch by yourself sometime toward the early part of next week. Talk a few times like you did — light conversation when she takes your order, for example — and then if it goes as well as the first time, when she gives you the check, just before you leave, ask for her number. Say, “Would you like to have dinner some time?” If she says yes, then ask, “Can I get your number?” Of course, if the two of you haven’t exchanged names, that would be a good time to tell her your name and just smile. Then call the next day (that way she knows you’re interested which is flattering to a woman) and ask her to dinner that Saturday evening. Research a nice place where you’d want to spend a few hours having dinner. That’s all. Simple. You just need practice. It gets easier. And remember, there’s something very endearing to a woman about a man who is a little nervous but follows through and steps up to the plate. We know you get nervous and we wouldn’t really want to have to do the asking ourselves. The fact that you might be a bit nervous shows us you aren’t one of those players, which is reassuring to us. 😀

[jade]

He want to have sex with you again. Then disappear again. 🙄 Don’t respond to his text. Otherwise you will be allowing/enabling his behavior cycle of have sex and disappear and he’ll think that is ok with you. Your feelings matter. Choose not to go into the confusion zone. His actions are clear and you should be too. Just say no. (By not responding).

[jade]

There is a real element of game-playing here. Why not just take up chess? You appear amused by it all in your email. Well and good for now. But continuing on and telling yourself all of the rationalizations in your previous email (if I tell her no,the relationship will be over, project in the spring, blah, blah, blah), well people can get hurt, the most of which is you. 😕

Have you ever heard the phrase, hurt people hurt people?

[jade]

No disrespect intended, but one wonders why you seem rather intent on inviting chaos and drama into your life? 😯 Or is it that you are unconsciously (consciously?) choosing someone who is so clearly unavailable because you aren’t yet ready for a real two-way relationship? One that isn’t already challenged by distance and emotional unavailability? 😕

Drama is exciting. Until it isn’t. We can’t really change others. It seems like you are hoping she will change: you are making a case in your own mind that you will be the one to make a difference in her life based on her
orgasmic history and, as a result, this situation will work.

Of course, you are free to play the scenario out. Just promise to learn from it. Save April’s response and re-read it in six months.

[Author]

Posts